Friday my Dad had surgery on his abdomen area. I wrote before that he found a lumb in November/December.
The surgery was somewhat exploratory and he was fearful that some of his organs might be removed. God watched carefully over him and the surgeon was able to remove 75% of the mass without any major organ removals. The remaing percent they feel will be able to be treated with chemo or radiation.
My dad has such a positive outlook on the whole thing, having beaten the cancer before. Before he went in for surgery he told me he was nervous and worried but was mostly concerned he wouldn't be able to eat steaks or mexican food... so something I would be extremely concerened about!
He was on a liquid diet following the surgery and was gotten up for rehab the very next day. Today he is going home!
My realtionship with my dad has been a very very rocky one over the past 21 years. I have gone through many many emotions but always my caring, need to make everyone feel comfortable and loved side has out weighed any of the other feelings.
I hear many stories, especially around Christmas of how much my Dad loved me. How he was such a wonderful dad and just adored his "princess." I will admit it is very very hard to hear these stories.
After he left, I remember being the "cheerleader" for dad, that was of course once I was old enough to realize what was going on. My big brother did not at all want a relationship and I remember continually writing, calling, talking to my dad to the disgust of Ryan.
In the beginning we saw him often... every couple weekends if I remember correctly. I remember one time going to a mall with him and my brothers and Dad buying us pongs to play with. We also went to a western store to get loaded up on Cowboy gear... I got my first pair of black lace-up boots and had a picture made all together.
Time began to slip away from us and we saw him less and less. We moved to Nashville and didn't see him at all for a while. When we moved back to Texas he moved to Tennessee. I remember being very upset!
Somewhere along the line Ryan got over his anger and he and my dad now have the closest relationship. Ryan lived with him and his wife for awhile.
I have felt extreme guilt about my relationship with my Dad out of the lack of relationship with Patrick.
Patrick was 2 when my parents divorced. Their splitting fight occured on his birthday. Patrick never knew my Dad and Dad never knew Patrick.
I know that my Dad has reached out somewhat to Patrick in the past years... and I suppose to Patrick it was too little too late. I can't blame him... and I can't talk to him about it. Despite the anger and rejection I know Patrick has felt all these years he is extremely calm and soft spoken about the subject.
A girl's need to feel love and acception from her dad is biblical. Throughout all the years of rejection, lack of communication (on both parts) and hurt of breaking our family apart, there is still a desperate yearning for my Dad.
It is extremely hard for some people to understand a daughters need for her presence in her life no matter how dysfunctional it started.
I remember the day he called me to tell me he was diagnosed with cancer. I was a junior at ACU and was in my room that I shared with my friend Valerie in a house we lived in with two other friends. I had a mesquito net around me bed and remember sitting down crying on the floor among the netting. I was devestated and thought that I had been so selfish and lost time.
I have realized that it has taken a looonnnng while for me to come to a full FORGIVENESS of the past created by his decisions. I thought long ago that I was totally fine with my parents divorce and I really wasnt affected by it. I wouldn't necessarily have chosen it to be differently but I don't know that I have ever forgotten or forgiven the circumstances that have been results of it.
I heard this definition of forgiveness the other day... "Forgivness is giving up the HOPE that the past could have been any different."
I still go through phases of feeling complete disappointment but have come to realize it is what it is. My dad is who he is and I cannot change the past only take advantage of the future. He is not perfect and neither am I.
Patrick is a grown man and he will have to do his own journeying to find the relationship he desires or continue successfully without it regardless that is his own relationship to do with as he pleases.
I continually lift up that relationship as well as my own for the Lord to guide.
I am so grateful for the continued chance to nuture our relationship into whatever it will be. I am so grateful that he has come through the sugery successfully and our journey will continue.
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