Stop this Train

Ohhh Friday... How I Love Thee

I am exhausted from this week... started working out again with my very own personal trainer also my namesake... Auntie. She is HARDCORE! It feels good to be up and moving around in the mornings with enough time to actually get ready as opposed to sleeping in till the very last moment and rushing to throw something semi- professional on.

I have been dating a fella since October and although I am not one for putting  my love life out for everyone to read about... we are both struggling through some incredibly hard times right now.

My family has been struck down by diseases and illness... my mom's diagnosis of dementia... and my dad's battling of cancer.

He has been dealing with both of his parents illnesses as well... his mom has suffered from medical complications for a long time and is having kidney failure and going back and forth from the hospital to find out what to do. Yesterday he also learned that his dad has been put onto a heart transplant list... although I am lacking in specific details (He doesn't like to talk about such things especially after I have been dealing with so much, he is a silent struggler but I can hear it in his voice and I heard him cry for the first time last night since we have been dating) there is nothing they can do for his dad now except get him a new heart.

As I talked to him on the phone last night (he actually lives 45 minutes away from Amarillo and last night was not one of our nights to see each other) I tried to reassure him of medical advances and that everything will be OK all the while thinking I dont know if it will be for either of us. I have no way of knowing what the future holds... I broke down with him more for my struggles than his.

I LOVE John Mayer and I really like this song

but I can't listen to this song with out crying (or at all right now)

No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly won't someone stop this train

Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train

See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

I hate being in the place of seeing our parents struggle... they are supposed to be our rocks.

To always be there. To answer all the questions I still have.

But worrying does absolutely no good... so these were the comforting words I found last night through my tears...

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?"
Luke 12: 25-26

 

(this has nothing to do with this post but I love it, Kelsey and her flat feet are so precious and a constant reminder to live in the here and now.)

 

"BE JOYFUL ALWAYS; PRAY CONTINUALLY; GIVE THANKS IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES for this is God's will for you through Christ Jesus"
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18