A birthday gift

For many many years I have shared my birthday, when I was younger Patrick and I shared since our birthdays were only 3 days apart. We often had joint parties growing up but each with our own theme to make us feel special. It annoyed me some years but being a mom now I completely see the convenience and cost of having two parties together. As I grew up I got to share my birthday celebration with my Mom. Our’s is 4 days apart and the past 7 years each year we had joint family gatherings I have looked at as an honor. I knew the birthday would one day eventually come when I would have to do it alone again and I was not in the slightest ready for that day. Today is my 32, birthday and I have it all to myself. I would give anything to be attending a joint party for Mom and I. She with her carrot cake and I with my chocolate. 

Ever since Oct. 28th I have been afraid and equally excited to be alone, in the dark at night especially because I just knew you would be appearing to me first chance you got. You would come to me and tell me you were ok, that I would be ok, that I made the right decisions. I became obsessed with the idea of seeing you. Would you appear in my dreams? I once thought I heard you call my name. I was doing dishes, listening to music while the kids took naps and I heard your voice so clear, “Megan.” I stood frozen looking for you but you never appeared. Sometime along the days I have not been consumed with the idea of seeing you. Frightened by what would happen or how I may react I pushed it to the back of my mind. 

Everett has not once looked for you or asked where you were and I have worried he would forget his sweet bond with you. We try to talk about you, things you liked, ice cream you loved, the beautiful moon shining down on us is you. He’s so sensitive and quiet about it. Last night while playing with his kitchen toys he got for Christmas Everett looked up at me and and plain as day said “Mom, Solly Moo is with me.” I was floored and caught off guard for a moment. I asked if you spoke to him and he said “No just standing with me.” I asked if you hugged him and he said “ No, just kisses 3 times.” I wish I had asked what you were wearing knowing he would say white but I couldn’t hold back the tears. I gathered myself and told him to be sure and give you kisses back. To tell you we missed you and love you. He recounted the exact same story to His Dad who walked  in a few minutes later. 

I believe so much you came to him last night. That you are with us and looking out for us even when we don’t know it! I love you always and forever! 

59

I have written a post a thousand times in my head over the past few months but never had the courage to actually sit down and do it. I feel like I have been living in an alternate reality, waiting to wake up and continue our journey together.

My memories are broken into two of you, prediagnosis and post diagnosis.  The memories of both are so dear to me.

Today is your 59th birthday. We would have celebrated with a big breakfast, maybe a movie or some shopping afterwards. Outback for dinner no doubt with dessert! I can't help but think about last year, how we took you to Outback and I was so worried about how you would do. However you did amazing, Patrick sitting by your side helping you eat. We read you birthday cards and you wept upon hearing Nana's. It was such a sweet day! If you were still here with us today, living like you were this past year, the kids and I would have picked you up and gone for a drive in the park having chocolate shakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner! We would have gotten a car wash together, one of yours and the kids favorite things to do. We would have visited Nana. I would have brought you orange/ coral flowers to put in your room. We would have held hands and told each other "I love you" as we drove around listening to Kenny Chesney. It would have been perfect.

But today you are celebrating your earthly birthday in Heaven. Surrounded by your Dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles, probably even my Dad because you were amazing at forgiveness. What we would have done for you today doesn't even compare to the celebration you are having right now.

Today I wore your orange sweater that stretches over my baby bump, we took flowers to your grave. We listened to Kenny in your honor and drove through the park and got a car wash. Haven wore a coral bow in her hair. We will get a chocolate milk shake later. We did the things that made us think of you and smile.

I see pieces of you everyday in Haven's orneriness and red hair, Everett's caring nature, Drew's compassion that he learned from you. When I look in the mirror at myself I get glimpses of you and see what people mean when they say we look just alike.

I miss you every moment of every day! I still feel like I am in a surreal universe waiting for real life to kick back in.

Happy Birthday Mom! We celebrate you today, your beauty, your courage, your legacy! I love you always and forever and ever!!

10 Days

Monday, Ten days ago my Aunt Cindy brought my Mom to my house as they were out driving. It was very evident Mom was not herself this day because she barely reacted to me but also made no reaction to the idea of ice cream which can always get a response from her. After getting her home and having a nurse assess her we discovered she had a extremely high fever and low blood pressure and a UTI. I spent hours sitting by her bed waiting for medicine to help. She was very lethargic and not able to swallow meds and becoming increasingly dehydrated. Around 11 pm with no help from hospice and some advice from those around us, I made the call to have Mom taken to the ER for fluids and antibiotics via IV.  When the paramedics arrived we were informed she was already in septic shock and was in grave condition. 

I drove the hospital as fast as I could and beat the ambulance where I was forced to wait out in the waiting room for her arrival. All I could do was cry because I didn’t know if she would make it to the hospital alive. We were finally able to be in a room with her where saline and antibiotics were pushed quickly and heavily into her system. After several more hours of staring into her wide bright blue eyes, holding her hand and listening to her try and tell me she loved me in response to my I love you’s we had a doctor come in. Mom had always been clear about her wishes for a advance directive and we had signed on when we came on to hospices care. I was told by the doctor Mom’s kidneys had already been severely damaged as well as her muscles and it was only continuing throughout the rest of her body. Due to the seriousness of the infection and the inability to treat septic shock to the fullest with the advance directive the doctor gave me a few options. 1) Mom is released to hospice care and returned home to fight the infection on her own and die in peace. 2) Mom is given a central line and administered meds for her Blood Pressure along with fluids to possibly counteract the infection, however there was a possibility of drowning her lungs or that it just wouldn’t work 3) Admit Mom and see if hospice would come treat her and keep her comfortable in the hospital. 

I discussed in length with the Doctor and Patrick and felt the overwhelming urge that there were no guarantees Mom’s quality of life would be better after invasive treatments. And the reality of us facing this situation again in a week or month with another infection was high. I felt strongly that Mom would choose to go back home and finish her fight in peace instead of staying at a hospital with harsh treatments. So I rode back to Mom’s carehome with her in an ambulance knowing our time together was extremely limited. 

We arrived home early on Tuesday morning and got Mom settled back comfortably in her bed surrounded by her belongings. She drank a few sips from a straw and ate a chocolate malt. Morphine was started to keep her comfortable and she closed her eyes and continued to rest peacefully. The following days were spent in a bedside vigil as we counted breaths, heart rates and oxygen levels. Family and friends were constantly coming and growing. We were spent in a ground hogs day scenarios where each day was the same as before with few changes from day to day. The cast of characters the same, the setting the same, the purpose the same. Mom somehow managed to display epic strength and prove the doctors wrong as she fought through the infection. 

Yesterday on the 9th day she opened her eyes for the first time. She was able to make eye contact with me and Tried to say something but after having her mouth agape for 8 days her mouth and throat were to dry for anything more than a moan. It was a sweet gift! I was sure yesterday would be the day she finally passed through Heaven’s gates but she has fought through another day. Yesterday my brothers, Drew, Taren, Nana and I went and met with a funeral home and picked out a casket. It was surreal and horrible. Knowing what is still coming is unbearable. 

As I sit here by her bed, she has just recently opened her eyes again and moaned as she looked into my eyes. She is skin and bones and her beautiful face looks more like a skeletons. Seeing her go through this struggle for a week and a half has broken me, broken my heart. I am angry that through a life of such struggling, such unfairness in this disease process she must continue to fight like this to death. I don’t understand what God is doing. What he is trying to show us. She deserves peace and to rest. She deserves to die with dignity and not in a prolonged horrific state of wasting away. Why God?!! Why?!

Waiting on Death

This feels like a contradiction to all that I have lived for especially in the past several years. Desperately wanting to spend every available second with my Mom soaking in all that she is... but waiting on death to knock on her door I yearn for her freedom from her broken body. I simultaneously long and dread for her last breath because I know as she goes into her freedom and promise of God’s kingdom I am left behind without her. Days of sitting vigil at her bedside has made this an out of body experience, counting breaths from what seems like a long nap. It feels right and wrong all at the same time. 

“I assure you: you will weep and wail; you will become sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn to Joy”

John 16:20

So death we wait for you scared of the sorrow you will bring, the emptiness that awaits no matter how “ready” we may be but terrified you will not show and Mom will go on suffering in this another day. 

I don’t have adequate words to express what I am feeling right now. Hovering somewhere in the midst of emotionally drained, physically exhausted and heartbreakingly devastated. The day I have feared my entire life has approached us and I must soon face the reality of this Earth without my Beautiful Mom living on it. Over the past seven years I have wondered what this would look like and with each decline known it would come sooner but there is nothing that could prepare me for the broken heart I have. As I sit here listening to her breaths my thoughts are of all the amazing memories we have together but also the future things that will never be. I can’t stop thinking about my kids not getting to be with her anymore and most specifically little Everett and his love for his Nana or Solly Moo. My mom heart is battling between wanting him to get a chance to say goodbye and reminding myself he is only 3.5 years old and won’t know the extent of what he is witnessing. But after being in a battling state for 36 hours now and having all her kids and her special son and daughter in law surrounding her, her mom, sisters, nieces and nephews I wonder what she is waiting for. Although I am not ready for the next phase without her. The past year it has been a challenge to load up my kids and visit her in her home away from ours on a nearly daily basis but it has been an absolute honor to get to have such priceless moments and time with her. I don’t know what my days looks like without her in them. She has fought this battle with such grace and dignity! She has battled through every stage like an absolute warrior! I am so unbelievably proud that I get to call this amazing woman my mom! I am one amongst few. I am hers and as we promised one another laying together in bed just over a year ago it will be the two of us together forever! 

Where has the time gone?!

 (Photo taken at Norah's 3rd Birthday Party, it was Princess themed)

I cannot believe that I am sitting here in the middle of September already. This summer has flown by and thankfully I haven't even had to be counting down to school starting yet. It seems like the past few months have been full of unexpected events that have kept us on our toes. Drew had knee surgery in June that kept him down for a little while. It felt like we have battled sickness with Everett and Haven quite a bit this summer as well.

Haven has experienced several firsts this summer such as swimming in the lake and visiting Wonderland Park. She also got her first Emergency Room visit which was not something I would have liked to remember necessarily. I rushed her to the ER one night after she had come down with a high fever and started throwing up... I was sure it was Dry Drowning, I had read so much about lately. Haven and I sat in the ER for hours as they poked and prodded at her, it was torture for both of us. However my sweet girl snuggled with me all night and the next day as no one else could console her and that was magic to me. Luckily it wasn't dry drowning at all but just a virus. Haven has proved to be quite the little independent, stubborn girl as she has grown into the world around her. She has become fond of screaming to get her way and it can irritate everyone around her but then she smiles at you and covers her eyes making all around smile. Haven has also become keen on finding ways to irritate her brother and her favorite way to do this is to grab his favorite toys and wait for him to notice. This will cause an immediate chase around the house usually ending in screaming and crying from someone. Haven loves to dance to any music playing, her version of dancing is squatting at her knees and moving from side to side. She loves to eat anything and everything! She especially loves rice and chicken but can cause some serious damage with ravioli. Her favorite toys right now aside from her brothers, are books. She enjoys finding books and bringing them to me to read with her. Haven has taken to throwing things out of her crib when she is not ready to sleep and screaming until someone comes in to pick up her belongings again. Haven has also developed her climbing skills and has mastered climbing onto the kitchen table. Very nerve-racking. I first discovered this when Everett came running in while I was doing something in the other room to tell me that "Sissy in trouble." Sure enough I ran in to find my sweet girl sitting proudly atop middle of the kitchen table. Now we can't keep her on the floor. She finds chairs everywhere to climb. Haven's vocabulary consists of Mom, Mama, Dad, Dada, Bubba, Bobbee, Baby, Please, Hush, Uh Hu, Nana, Cheese, Sissy, and Shh.. For No she vigorously shakes her head from side to side!

As Everett grew out of infant hood and into toddler hood our dreams of a snugly baby vanished. We dreamt that with Haven's birth we would have a snugly baby forever... however she too has dashed our dreams. She has proven to not care to snuggle with her parents at all unless she is sick. With her strong-will Haven has started to throw some of the biggest temper tantrums we have ever witnessed. As we left church one morning and Haven walked off into the other direction she flung her body down against the tile like a fish to the complete astonishment of her Dad. Drew said he absolutely could not believe his daughter would act like that. This little flopping occurrence has become quite a regular routine when Haven doesn't get her way and it has proved for some serious discipline coming her way. To our relief though we discovered that she doesn't act this way when in the care of other's. In fact the church nursery teachers have told us that Haven hugs on their legs and clings to them the whole time she is in there. Every time we drop her off she walks right in through the gates all by herself. It is bitter sweet to see our baby grow up so quickly and become so independent. Everett also enjoys going to the church classes and has come home singing Jesus Loves Me and This Little Light of Mine. It is the absolute best thing to hear him singing these songs. He has picked out songs on the radio with these lyrics and now asks to hear the "Jesus Song" which is I Want to Go Back by David Dunn.

I feel as though Everett has grown leaps and bounds over the past few months. When I look at him I see a little teenager and not my baby faced toddler. After multiple attempts at trying to potty-train we had a successful two-week run of it and then he told me he did not want to potty. So for his sake and my sanity we have taken a little break from it.  Everett continually proves that he will do things in his own time and not on my schedule. He remains to be such a Momma's Boy which I take secret pride in! He is incredibly sensitive like his Mom taking everything very personally. Everett has recently taken to telling me "Mom you handsome" which he has heard me tell him countless times. I have tried to explain the difference between telling a boy he is handsome and a girl she is pretty but this only resulted in Everett saying "Sissy is pretty" and "Mom is handsome." A compliment I will cherish forever! Everett wakes up early in the morning and will spend his morning laying in my bed while I watch the news. He is insanely protective of his sister, until she crosses him by taking his dinosaur toys. He tells me all the time to "talk to sissy" if she is acting out and he doesn't approve of her behavior. Everett loves to call out the colors he sees around him and count things. We are still working on our alphabet but he will decide to learn it when he wants to and not any sooner. Everett continues to love all things animal related. We have bought up every little animal figure that comes into our path. He loves to show how he can make the noises for each animal and if I am not sure how it sounds then we look it up. His fascination with dinosaurs has not relented in the least. We still must call all dinosaurs by their technical name. If Drew or I try to throw out a random name for a dinosaur we are not 100% sure about he will correct us. Everett is just the absolute sweetest boy in the world. He adores going to his Gran-Nana's house to play. He enjoys telling his Nana about what he is watching or show her a new toy he has gotten when we take her for rides. He recently told me his best friend is his cousin Norah and it was the sweetest thing ever!

It amazes me how two children can be from the same parents and yet so very different. Everett is cautious, Haven runs head first into everything.  Haven is me with Drew's skin tone, Everett is a little Drew with my pale skin and Blanton colored hair.  Haven is quick to anger and hot tempered like her Dad can be (Never her Mom), Everett is impatient and likes instant satisfaction like his Mom. They have started giving hugs and kisses to one another on their own and it is the sweetest ever! I am so grateful for the love they share and the Joy they have brought to our lives! I am such a proud Mom!

Celebrating Independence Day

July 4th was so weird this year since it was on a Tuesday. Amarillo changed it's July 4th fireworks show to Saturday July 1st and moved it from close to our house to downtown. So we celebrated America's Independence Day from July 1st - July 4th with lots of fun things and first for the kids to do!

Saturday Drew was still recovering from a knee scope two days before so the kids and I headed downtown to the Amarillo Community Market and Food Truck alley to see what all the city had planned for the days celebrations. We met Mimi, Aunt Kelsey, Aunt Neeley, Uncle Lane, Norah, Merritt and Emma all downtown in the heat and sunshine to find some fun. The kids snacked on fun foods and danced to a band's rehearsal for the evenings events while we sat and watched with our deep fried corn dogs. That night with Drew in tow we ate burgers and went over to Aunt Tammy's for dessert while the kids played in the yard.

Monday we took the kids over to Lake Meredith in Drew's old stomping grounds of Fritch, TX to go on the boat with Aunt Carrie and BJ. This was the first time Everett and Haven had ever been on a boat or to the lake. Had it been a year ago I don't think Everett would have been as excited but he has since turned into quite the little water boy and was so excited! Haven has been a water lover from the very beginning and we could hardly keep her contained to the boat when necessary to keep her from going into the water alone. Neither of the kids can swim at this point and I was a constant mess worrying about them being in the water but thankfully we all had a blast and enjoyed our time. Everett quickly discovered that he could jump off the back of the boat into his Dad's arms and this provided him with endless amounts of fun for the day. We blew up an inter tube and let him sit on it while we were anchored in the water and he really liked it but much preferred to be in the water. I did however get him to ride the tube with me as we were slowly pulled behind the boat and he was not a big fan of this yet. I am sure one day he will be an awesome tuber like his Mom and Aunt Nene. We spent some time on a sandy beach and cooked hot dogs and during this time Haven loved to run as fast as she could into the waves. She puts her head down, arms back and runs as fast as she can like she is trying to fly and it is hilarious on most occasions but scared me to death as she ran head first into the water. I was on constant guard keeping her safe from falling face first in the water. We finished the night with an amazing fireworks show over the lake!

For the actual 4th of July we slept in, Haven and I went to get my Mom and visit Gran-Nana before we went over to Aunt Tammy's for a burger cookout. Everett and Haven were both wearing their red white and blue as we ate and played in the backyard lighting sparklers, and popping confetti- crackers. They kids devoured red white and blue cupcakes and cookies as we sat around watching them and listening to the neighbor's loud Rod Stewart playing from across the fence. It was a great peaceful and fun way to end what felt like a week long celebration of the 4th of July!