A birthday gift

For many many years I have shared my birthday, when I was younger Patrick and I shared since our birthdays were only 3 days apart. We often had joint parties growing up but each with our own theme to make us feel special. It annoyed me some years but being a mom now I completely see the convenience and cost of having two parties together. As I grew up I got to share my birthday celebration with my Mom. Our’s is 4 days apart and the past 7 years each year we had joint family gatherings I have looked at as an honor. I knew the birthday would one day eventually come when I would have to do it alone again and I was not in the slightest ready for that day. Today is my 32, birthday and I have it all to myself. I would give anything to be attending a joint party for Mom and I. She with her carrot cake and I with my chocolate. 

Ever since Oct. 28th I have been afraid and equally excited to be alone, in the dark at night especially because I just knew you would be appearing to me first chance you got. You would come to me and tell me you were ok, that I would be ok, that I made the right decisions. I became obsessed with the idea of seeing you. Would you appear in my dreams? I once thought I heard you call my name. I was doing dishes, listening to music while the kids took naps and I heard your voice so clear, “Megan.” I stood frozen looking for you but you never appeared. Sometime along the days I have not been consumed with the idea of seeing you. Frightened by what would happen or how I may react I pushed it to the back of my mind. 

Everett has not once looked for you or asked where you were and I have worried he would forget his sweet bond with you. We try to talk about you, things you liked, ice cream you loved, the beautiful moon shining down on us is you. He’s so sensitive and quiet about it. Last night while playing with his kitchen toys he got for Christmas Everett looked up at me and and plain as day said “Mom, Solly Moo is with me.” I was floored and caught off guard for a moment. I asked if you spoke to him and he said “No just standing with me.” I asked if you hugged him and he said “ No, just kisses 3 times.” I wish I had asked what you were wearing knowing he would say white but I couldn’t hold back the tears. I gathered myself and told him to be sure and give you kisses back. To tell you we missed you and love you. He recounted the exact same story to His Dad who walked  in a few minutes later. 

I believe so much you came to him last night. That you are with us and looking out for us even when we don’t know it! I love you always and forever!