59

I have written a post a thousand times in my head over the past few months but never had the courage to actually sit down and do it. I feel like I have been living in an alternate reality, waiting to wake up and continue our journey together.

My memories are broken into two of you, prediagnosis and post diagnosis.  The memories of both are so dear to me.

Today is your 59th birthday. We would have celebrated with a big breakfast, maybe a movie or some shopping afterwards. Outback for dinner no doubt with dessert! I can't help but think about last year, how we took you to Outback and I was so worried about how you would do. However you did amazing, Patrick sitting by your side helping you eat. We read you birthday cards and you wept upon hearing Nana's. It was such a sweet day! If you were still here with us today, living like you were this past year, the kids and I would have picked you up and gone for a drive in the park having chocolate shakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner! We would have gotten a car wash together, one of yours and the kids favorite things to do. We would have visited Nana. I would have brought you orange/ coral flowers to put in your room. We would have held hands and told each other "I love you" as we drove around listening to Kenny Chesney. It would have been perfect.

But today you are celebrating your earthly birthday in Heaven. Surrounded by your Dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles, probably even my Dad because you were amazing at forgiveness. What we would have done for you today doesn't even compare to the celebration you are having right now.

Today I wore your orange sweater that stretches over my baby bump, we took flowers to your grave. We listened to Kenny in your honor and drove through the park and got a car wash. Haven wore a coral bow in her hair. We will get a chocolate milk shake later. We did the things that made us think of you and smile.

I see pieces of you everyday in Haven's orneriness and red hair, Everett's caring nature, Drew's compassion that he learned from you. When I look in the mirror at myself I get glimpses of you and see what people mean when they say we look just alike.

I miss you every moment of every day! I still feel like I am in a surreal universe waiting for real life to kick back in.

Happy Birthday Mom! We celebrate you today, your beauty, your courage, your legacy! I love you always and forever and ever!!