10 Days

Monday, Ten days ago my Aunt Cindy brought my Mom to my house as they were out driving. It was very evident Mom was not herself this day because she barely reacted to me but also made no reaction to the idea of ice cream which can always get a response from her. After getting her home and having a nurse assess her we discovered she had a extremely high fever and low blood pressure and a UTI. I spent hours sitting by her bed waiting for medicine to help. She was very lethargic and not able to swallow meds and becoming increasingly dehydrated. Around 11 pm with no help from hospice and some advice from those around us, I made the call to have Mom taken to the ER for fluids and antibiotics via IV.  When the paramedics arrived we were informed she was already in septic shock and was in grave condition. 

I drove the hospital as fast as I could and beat the ambulance where I was forced to wait out in the waiting room for her arrival. All I could do was cry because I didn’t know if she would make it to the hospital alive. We were finally able to be in a room with her where saline and antibiotics were pushed quickly and heavily into her system. After several more hours of staring into her wide bright blue eyes, holding her hand and listening to her try and tell me she loved me in response to my I love you’s we had a doctor come in. Mom had always been clear about her wishes for a advance directive and we had signed on when we came on to hospices care. I was told by the doctor Mom’s kidneys had already been severely damaged as well as her muscles and it was only continuing throughout the rest of her body. Due to the seriousness of the infection and the inability to treat septic shock to the fullest with the advance directive the doctor gave me a few options. 1) Mom is released to hospice care and returned home to fight the infection on her own and die in peace. 2) Mom is given a central line and administered meds for her Blood Pressure along with fluids to possibly counteract the infection, however there was a possibility of drowning her lungs or that it just wouldn’t work 3) Admit Mom and see if hospice would come treat her and keep her comfortable in the hospital. 

I discussed in length with the Doctor and Patrick and felt the overwhelming urge that there were no guarantees Mom’s quality of life would be better after invasive treatments. And the reality of us facing this situation again in a week or month with another infection was high. I felt strongly that Mom would choose to go back home and finish her fight in peace instead of staying at a hospital with harsh treatments. So I rode back to Mom’s carehome with her in an ambulance knowing our time together was extremely limited. 

We arrived home early on Tuesday morning and got Mom settled back comfortably in her bed surrounded by her belongings. She drank a few sips from a straw and ate a chocolate malt. Morphine was started to keep her comfortable and she closed her eyes and continued to rest peacefully. The following days were spent in a bedside vigil as we counted breaths, heart rates and oxygen levels. Family and friends were constantly coming and growing. We were spent in a ground hogs day scenarios where each day was the same as before with few changes from day to day. The cast of characters the same, the setting the same, the purpose the same. Mom somehow managed to display epic strength and prove the doctors wrong as she fought through the infection. 

Yesterday on the 9th day she opened her eyes for the first time. She was able to make eye contact with me and Tried to say something but after having her mouth agape for 8 days her mouth and throat were to dry for anything more than a moan. It was a sweet gift! I was sure yesterday would be the day she finally passed through Heaven’s gates but she has fought through another day. Yesterday my brothers, Drew, Taren, Nana and I went and met with a funeral home and picked out a casket. It was surreal and horrible. Knowing what is still coming is unbearable. 

As I sit here by her bed, she has just recently opened her eyes again and moaned as she looked into my eyes. She is skin and bones and her beautiful face looks more like a skeletons. Seeing her go through this struggle for a week and a half has broken me, broken my heart. I am angry that through a life of such struggling, such unfairness in this disease process she must continue to fight like this to death. I don’t understand what God is doing. What he is trying to show us. She deserves peace and to rest. She deserves to die with dignity and not in a prolonged horrific state of wasting away. Why God?!! Why?!

Waiting on Death

This feels like a contradiction to all that I have lived for especially in the past several years. Desperately wanting to spend every available second with my Mom soaking in all that she is... but waiting on death to knock on her door I yearn for her freedom from her broken body. I simultaneously long and dread for her last breath because I know as she goes into her freedom and promise of God’s kingdom I am left behind without her. Days of sitting vigil at her bedside has made this an out of body experience, counting breaths from what seems like a long nap. It feels right and wrong all at the same time. 

“I assure you: you will weep and wail; you will become sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn to Joy”

John 16:20

So death we wait for you scared of the sorrow you will bring, the emptiness that awaits no matter how “ready” we may be but terrified you will not show and Mom will go on suffering in this another day. 

I don’t have adequate words to express what I am feeling right now. Hovering somewhere in the midst of emotionally drained, physically exhausted and heartbreakingly devastated. The day I have feared my entire life has approached us and I must soon face the reality of this Earth without my Beautiful Mom living on it. Over the past seven years I have wondered what this would look like and with each decline known it would come sooner but there is nothing that could prepare me for the broken heart I have. As I sit here listening to her breaths my thoughts are of all the amazing memories we have together but also the future things that will never be. I can’t stop thinking about my kids not getting to be with her anymore and most specifically little Everett and his love for his Nana or Solly Moo. My mom heart is battling between wanting him to get a chance to say goodbye and reminding myself he is only 3.5 years old and won’t know the extent of what he is witnessing. But after being in a battling state for 36 hours now and having all her kids and her special son and daughter in law surrounding her, her mom, sisters, nieces and nephews I wonder what she is waiting for. Although I am not ready for the next phase without her. The past year it has been a challenge to load up my kids and visit her in her home away from ours on a nearly daily basis but it has been an absolute honor to get to have such priceless moments and time with her. I don’t know what my days looks like without her in them. She has fought this battle with such grace and dignity! She has battled through every stage like an absolute warrior! I am so unbelievably proud that I get to call this amazing woman my mom! I am one amongst few. I am hers and as we promised one another laying together in bed just over a year ago it will be the two of us together forever! 

Where has the time gone?!

 (Photo taken at Norah's 3rd Birthday Party, it was Princess themed)

I cannot believe that I am sitting here in the middle of September already. This summer has flown by and thankfully I haven't even had to be counting down to school starting yet. It seems like the past few months have been full of unexpected events that have kept us on our toes. Drew had knee surgery in June that kept him down for a little while. It felt like we have battled sickness with Everett and Haven quite a bit this summer as well.

Haven has experienced several firsts this summer such as swimming in the lake and visiting Wonderland Park. She also got her first Emergency Room visit which was not something I would have liked to remember necessarily. I rushed her to the ER one night after she had come down with a high fever and started throwing up... I was sure it was Dry Drowning, I had read so much about lately. Haven and I sat in the ER for hours as they poked and prodded at her, it was torture for both of us. However my sweet girl snuggled with me all night and the next day as no one else could console her and that was magic to me. Luckily it wasn't dry drowning at all but just a virus. Haven has proved to be quite the little independent, stubborn girl as she has grown into the world around her. She has become fond of screaming to get her way and it can irritate everyone around her but then she smiles at you and covers her eyes making all around smile. Haven has also become keen on finding ways to irritate her brother and her favorite way to do this is to grab his favorite toys and wait for him to notice. This will cause an immediate chase around the house usually ending in screaming and crying from someone. Haven loves to dance to any music playing, her version of dancing is squatting at her knees and moving from side to side. She loves to eat anything and everything! She especially loves rice and chicken but can cause some serious damage with ravioli. Her favorite toys right now aside from her brothers, are books. She enjoys finding books and bringing them to me to read with her. Haven has taken to throwing things out of her crib when she is not ready to sleep and screaming until someone comes in to pick up her belongings again. Haven has also developed her climbing skills and has mastered climbing onto the kitchen table. Very nerve-racking. I first discovered this when Everett came running in while I was doing something in the other room to tell me that "Sissy in trouble." Sure enough I ran in to find my sweet girl sitting proudly atop middle of the kitchen table. Now we can't keep her on the floor. She finds chairs everywhere to climb. Haven's vocabulary consists of Mom, Mama, Dad, Dada, Bubba, Bobbee, Baby, Please, Hush, Uh Hu, Nana, Cheese, Sissy, and Shh.. For No she vigorously shakes her head from side to side!

As Everett grew out of infant hood and into toddler hood our dreams of a snugly baby vanished. We dreamt that with Haven's birth we would have a snugly baby forever... however she too has dashed our dreams. She has proven to not care to snuggle with her parents at all unless she is sick. With her strong-will Haven has started to throw some of the biggest temper tantrums we have ever witnessed. As we left church one morning and Haven walked off into the other direction she flung her body down against the tile like a fish to the complete astonishment of her Dad. Drew said he absolutely could not believe his daughter would act like that. This little flopping occurrence has become quite a regular routine when Haven doesn't get her way and it has proved for some serious discipline coming her way. To our relief though we discovered that she doesn't act this way when in the care of other's. In fact the church nursery teachers have told us that Haven hugs on their legs and clings to them the whole time she is in there. Every time we drop her off she walks right in through the gates all by herself. It is bitter sweet to see our baby grow up so quickly and become so independent. Everett also enjoys going to the church classes and has come home singing Jesus Loves Me and This Little Light of Mine. It is the absolute best thing to hear him singing these songs. He has picked out songs on the radio with these lyrics and now asks to hear the "Jesus Song" which is I Want to Go Back by David Dunn.

I feel as though Everett has grown leaps and bounds over the past few months. When I look at him I see a little teenager and not my baby faced toddler. After multiple attempts at trying to potty-train we had a successful two-week run of it and then he told me he did not want to potty. So for his sake and my sanity we have taken a little break from it.  Everett continually proves that he will do things in his own time and not on my schedule. He remains to be such a Momma's Boy which I take secret pride in! He is incredibly sensitive like his Mom taking everything very personally. Everett has recently taken to telling me "Mom you handsome" which he has heard me tell him countless times. I have tried to explain the difference between telling a boy he is handsome and a girl she is pretty but this only resulted in Everett saying "Sissy is pretty" and "Mom is handsome." A compliment I will cherish forever! Everett wakes up early in the morning and will spend his morning laying in my bed while I watch the news. He is insanely protective of his sister, until she crosses him by taking his dinosaur toys. He tells me all the time to "talk to sissy" if she is acting out and he doesn't approve of her behavior. Everett loves to call out the colors he sees around him and count things. We are still working on our alphabet but he will decide to learn it when he wants to and not any sooner. Everett continues to love all things animal related. We have bought up every little animal figure that comes into our path. He loves to show how he can make the noises for each animal and if I am not sure how it sounds then we look it up. His fascination with dinosaurs has not relented in the least. We still must call all dinosaurs by their technical name. If Drew or I try to throw out a random name for a dinosaur we are not 100% sure about he will correct us. Everett is just the absolute sweetest boy in the world. He adores going to his Gran-Nana's house to play. He enjoys telling his Nana about what he is watching or show her a new toy he has gotten when we take her for rides. He recently told me his best friend is his cousin Norah and it was the sweetest thing ever!

It amazes me how two children can be from the same parents and yet so very different. Everett is cautious, Haven runs head first into everything.  Haven is me with Drew's skin tone, Everett is a little Drew with my pale skin and Blanton colored hair.  Haven is quick to anger and hot tempered like her Dad can be (Never her Mom), Everett is impatient and likes instant satisfaction like his Mom. They have started giving hugs and kisses to one another on their own and it is the sweetest ever! I am so grateful for the love they share and the Joy they have brought to our lives! I am such a proud Mom!

Celebrating Independence Day

July 4th was so weird this year since it was on a Tuesday. Amarillo changed it's July 4th fireworks show to Saturday July 1st and moved it from close to our house to downtown. So we celebrated America's Independence Day from July 1st - July 4th with lots of fun things and first for the kids to do!

Saturday Drew was still recovering from a knee scope two days before so the kids and I headed downtown to the Amarillo Community Market and Food Truck alley to see what all the city had planned for the days celebrations. We met Mimi, Aunt Kelsey, Aunt Neeley, Uncle Lane, Norah, Merritt and Emma all downtown in the heat and sunshine to find some fun. The kids snacked on fun foods and danced to a band's rehearsal for the evenings events while we sat and watched with our deep fried corn dogs. That night with Drew in tow we ate burgers and went over to Aunt Tammy's for dessert while the kids played in the yard.

Monday we took the kids over to Lake Meredith in Drew's old stomping grounds of Fritch, TX to go on the boat with Aunt Carrie and BJ. This was the first time Everett and Haven had ever been on a boat or to the lake. Had it been a year ago I don't think Everett would have been as excited but he has since turned into quite the little water boy and was so excited! Haven has been a water lover from the very beginning and we could hardly keep her contained to the boat when necessary to keep her from going into the water alone. Neither of the kids can swim at this point and I was a constant mess worrying about them being in the water but thankfully we all had a blast and enjoyed our time. Everett quickly discovered that he could jump off the back of the boat into his Dad's arms and this provided him with endless amounts of fun for the day. We blew up an inter tube and let him sit on it while we were anchored in the water and he really liked it but much preferred to be in the water. I did however get him to ride the tube with me as we were slowly pulled behind the boat and he was not a big fan of this yet. I am sure one day he will be an awesome tuber like his Mom and Aunt Nene. We spent some time on a sandy beach and cooked hot dogs and during this time Haven loved to run as fast as she could into the waves. She puts her head down, arms back and runs as fast as she can like she is trying to fly and it is hilarious on most occasions but scared me to death as she ran head first into the water. I was on constant guard keeping her safe from falling face first in the water. We finished the night with an amazing fireworks show over the lake!

For the actual 4th of July we slept in, Haven and I went to get my Mom and visit Gran-Nana before we went over to Aunt Tammy's for a burger cookout. Everett and Haven were both wearing their red white and blue as we ate and played in the backyard lighting sparklers, and popping confetti- crackers. They kids devoured red white and blue cupcakes and cookies as we sat around watching them and listening to the neighbor's loud Rod Stewart playing from across the fence. It was a great peaceful and fun way to end what felt like a week long celebration of the 4th of July!

A Loss

A few weeks ago I called Drew at work and asked him to bring me home some pregnancy tests. Everett and Haven were napping and I ran into the bathroom to find out if we were expecting our third child or not. Within 30 seconds that second line turned blue and I knew it was true. Drew was anxiously timing the test in the other room as I walked out crying he wondered what was going on. I told him he could go ahead and check it because it would show him we were pregnant again. We both cried with Joy! We were so excited to be adding another child to our two perfect babies we already had!

We went to the doctor for our first OB appointment at our 8 week mark. It was so redundant at first having been through this twice already we felt like old pros walking in the office. We confidently handled our first meeting with the nurse and got our goody bag of goodies for expectant parents. I went down had lab work done before we went to our scheduled first sonogram. We got called back to have our sonogram and as we were watching on the screen as the tech was looking around my uterus I could instantly tell this pregnancy was different. The black hole which normally holds the fetus looked empty to me. I asked if it was and the tech said she needed to zoom in. She told us the fetus was measuring 6 weeks and was very small. As she kept looking I could tell this was not going to be good news. She could not locate a yolk sac which is what was supposed to be giving the fetus nutrients. I asked if she could find a heartbeat and she said No but it may be too early. As we wrapped up the sonogram feeling deflated and uncertain the tech stepped out to give our doctor upstairs a call. Drew and I looked sadly at one another in stunned silence. The tech came back in and told me the doctor wanted to meet with us and then asked if we wanted the pictures. I had never been asked that before so it was another clear sign that this pregnancy was not going to be viable. We declined the pictures and followed the tech in silence as she led us up the back way to our doctors office. I felt like we were the people they shield the happy pregnant people from. As we sat across from our doctor explaining to us that this pregnancy was not going to be fruitful in delivering that third baby to our family I tried my hardest not to cry. She explained to us how common this was and how it shouldn't hinder our hopes of having another child later. She reassured me it was nothing I did or didn't do but nature's way of making sure we get a healthy baby.  I looked at my husband, who was so excited for this new life just moments ago, as he tried to comprehend what we were being told. Reality was slapping us in the face. We left the office clinging our hands tightly together letting it sink in. As we drove to pick up Everett and Haven from Nana's house it dawned on us that Everett was excitedly expecting to have a new what he was sure would be is a sister. It obviously was a mistake to tell him so soon and the other family members we did but we had never had trouble before and weren't expecting to this time. I didn't think I would cry. I knew how common this was and told Drew a week ago that my Mom had experienced a miscarriage and I wouldn't be surprised if I did too at some point. However thinking I may have one and actually walking the road is incredibly different.

My heart is broken for this little life that will not come to be. Devastated for the hope this baby held for our family and the joy gone with it. I do believe in a God that has a plan and a purpose for our family. I know he will bless us and our journey to have more children in the future but for now we are sad. It feels ridiculous and silly to mourn so heavily a fetus that was so small but there has been a real hole in our hearts already left by this little one. I have been had an unexpected sadness and loss in my soul.

Sweet Everett hasn't said another word about the baby... somehow he knows. After a D&C and some time processing the loss we are ready to look forward to the future and the hopefully healthy babies that await to be added to our family.

Walking Girl

The day of Haven's birthday party we got home and were sitting around the living room watching as she and Everett played with her new toys. All of a sudden Haven took of walking on her own, about 7 steps. By the time Drew and I scrambled to get our camera's ready and tried to get her to do it again she was not having any of it. For the next month Haven would walk steps here and there but still mostly resorting to crawling. After a few weeks Haven would get bolder taking more steps for longer periods of time and with this we finally called her a full fledged walker. Haven is adventurous and is not scared of walking anywhere. She loves to chase after her brother now that she is on two feet instead of crawling after him on the floor. She loves to push anything she can around the house from furniture to toys that will let her stand and push. She still likes to crawl when she is tired but our girl is a walker now! There is no stopping her!!

In addition to her walking Haven is also waving hello to everyone. Pretending to talk on the phone by holding her hand to the very back of her head like she thinks she sees people doing. She is blowing kisses. Throwing her paci out of her bed when she is over it. Crawling up on chairs and acting like the big girl she thinks she is. Haven has learned how to throw a major tantrum when she wants something, full on arched back, slinging herself to the floor throwing her head back while screaming at the loudest magnitude. It is quite something to see on such a precious little girl. She has a yell that we aren't sure if it's her trying to mimmick the dinosaur sound Everett makes or just full on over it scream but it is loud! We moved haven into a front forward seat hoping she would quiet the scream some when she was able to look around at the cars passing and watch a movie in the car... it hasn't completely worked but it is sure nice to get to see that sweet girls pretty smile in the rear view mirror. With each day that passes Haven shows more independence and that she is growing up more but she is still just the sweetest littlest girl and will always be our baby! 

Mother's Day 2017

This Mother's Day was so incredibly special to me for many reasons! The first was that my sweet Everett ran into our room where I was still laying in bed and kissed me and told me "Happy Mother's Day Mommy!" It was the absolute sweetest moment and just a precious reminder to me what the day meant and how lucky I was to be included in the club of motherhood. My sweet precious children mean the world to me and raising them is the greatest pleasure of my life! There are days that are long and exhausting but never without a moment of blessings for being a Mom. It is a hard job and I took so much for granted of how hard my own mom worked to raise three children on her own. There are questions and advice I so long to ask her.

My Precious husband brought me breakfast in bed and handled the children while I took a little time to rest and relax before getting up. I do love to take my time in the mornings and not jump out of bed, something that doesn't coincide with motherhood well. We had planned that instead of going to church this morning we would gather our crew pick up Mom and head out to do something fun with her to capitalize on her best time of day. Because she can't eat a regular meal any longer I decided that our activity should not revolve around a meal as it usually would. Activities are so limited for Mom these days but she absolutely loves to get out in the sunshine. Drew and I loaded up Everett and Haven, picked up Mom and went to the park for a little time out in the sun and breeze. Mom has been alert, and talking if she doesn't get her medicine first thing in the morning so we held off her meds and got to spend some wonderful quality time with her. She laughed at the kids, reached out to Drew and gave me kisses. We fed the ducks, walked the trail and watched the kids play in the water. I kept asking her if she was doing ok and she would reply "ohhh yeah!" She loved every second of being outside and we did too! I couldn't have asked for a better way to spend this Mother's Day! I oculdn't help but think back to a Mother's Day a few years ago when Patrick and I gifted Mom a bicycle and she took off riding down the block with the glee of a schoolgirl on it. I long for those days again to get to be with her in that spirit but on days like this mother's day when I get glimpses and small moments of it my heart becomes so full! Seeing her interaction and reaction to my babies means the world to me and I cling to every single second.

After spending the afternoon cuddling with Everett on the couch we went to Aunt Tammy's for a special Mother's Day dinner surrounded by Nana, Aunt Cindy, Doss, Charlotte, and Kelsey. We had a wonderful dinner just being together and as Everett and Haven made their way from person to person I was so grateful for the legacy of strong mothers in my family that my children have to look up to and the examples I have to follow!

Thankful for every moment

Our "two week" timeline given to us after Mom's incident has come and gone. When I was given the initial prognosis from those who seemed to be knowledgeable and have first hand experience I spent every second walking around feeling like there was a hole in me. I felt nauseated every moment of every day. I felt like there was a huge blockage in my own throat and I couldn't seem to find my breaths or swallow. I spent several days in this state just imagining the world without her and crying all the time.  Jumping every single time the phone rang thinking this was the news I was dreading. Haven would wake up at night and I would just hold her for hours weeping into her sweet little head. As days went by and Mom seemed to recover somewhat  and I let myself relax, breathe. I remembered what an unusual case my Mom is. Diagnosed with EOA at 52, living with it for 6 years. Medicine never works the way it typically does with Alzheimer's patients because of her age. So I thought that the people who "know" best don't know her. They don't know how strong she is, what a fighter she is. I let myself believe that we would have more time with her.

It has been over a month and a half now since Mom's incident in the hospital. She has good days and bad days.  Some days she can walk, some days she can't. Some day's she can swallow with a straw some days she can't.  Her talking is slurred but she still gets her point across. It is hard to get time to with her to just sit and be. Mostly the kids and I pick her up in the mornings and we go for drives. Drive around the park looking at Dogs playing and bunnies running. We drive around neighborhoods,  we get car washes, some days we go to Nana's and sit. Every day I am grateful for each moment we have together. However big or small it is, it is time together we will never get back. I cherish it. I cherish that my two kids are along for the ride with me. That they get these moments with their Nana too!

Easter 2017

We had a fun weekend celebrating Easter this year on two separate days! Two egg hunts, two big lunches, and two days full of family fun! Last year was Everett's first year to really participate in an Egg hunt and he really enjoyed it. This year I was so excited for him to really get to understand it more and enjoy opening the fun surprises in the eggs. Haven has been teetering on walking and even though she wouldn't be able to carry her basket I thought she would still be able to have fun getting some eggs.

 Saturday we spent the day having lunch and an Egg hunt with Grandma White, Mimi Susie, Carrie, BJ, Blaine, Kennedy and Brady.  For her birthday Susie had gotten Haven a little ruffled outfit with a bunny on it so of course that is what she wore over to their house on Saturday. Drew and I laughted that she looked like the cutest little Easter Advertisement, especially when we topped it off with a headband of bunny ears. Everett and Haven got some fun little Easter baskets from Mimi Susie that they loved. Everett's was filled with cars and trucks which is his most favorite thing right now. He was so excited about the egg hunt and couldn't wait to go outside for the hunt. With the help of his Dad he cleaned up nicely and got to open eggs full of candy, toys, and coins which he stuck in his front pocket and would hold down every time he would run. We had such a fun afternoon spending time with family!

Sunday morning Everett and Haven woke up to baskets filled with awesome goodies from the Easter Bunny that they loved getting to open. Everett of course dug into this and then promptly dug into Haven's for her! We dressed them up in their cutest Easter best and went off to church. Lunch was at Nana's house where she cooked a feast of roast, potatoes, green beans, squash casserole and salad all served on her wedding china. Aunt Cindy and Uncle Matt were in town visiting Nana so they  joined us along with Doss and Aunt Charlotte. Doss had prepared baskets for the kids to open also and lots of extra eggs to hunt. After lunch Drew hid all the eggs we brought for Everett to hunt and he had the funnest time getting to gather all the eggs up all to himself. Haven gathered up a few eggs on her own but mostly just practiced her walking in the grass skills with Aunt Cindy. All in all another wonderful day spent celebrating the rising of our Savior with family!

A brief moment

The past few days have been so very difficult. It is has been devastating enough along this Alzheimer's process to face each new milestone of digression and realize that one day I won't have my beautiful Mom here on this planet. Knowing that the time may be coming sooner than we realized has been a blow I can hardly manage. If I had not been such a procrastinator I would have already posted about how well she had been doing in the new home during her first two weeks there.

We noticed a change in Mom within days of being at Virginia's care home. The combativeness that made it impossible for Heartis to provide proper care was a thing of the past. Mom was mellow, she was happy! I felt for the first time since summer I had my Mom back. She would go for peaceful drives with the kids and I as we ran errands and took Kelsey to work. I would stop to grab a kids meal for the three of them and they would all eat blissfully while I drove. She sang along to the radio. I would bring the kids into the home and she watched them as they wrestled on the floor before her. She stroked my hair and rubbed my back as she laughed at her grandchildren playing. When Everett would get to rough or try and take of Haven's socks she would tell him "No No!" I felt like for the first time in months and months she really saw Haven and acknowledged her. She picked her up and held her! I had been hoping for a moment such as this since Haven's birth!

As all things tend to do with this disease the good things pass and more bad comes.

Some Bunny's Turning One Birthday Party

 When thinking about what kind of party I wanted to have for Haven the only things that came to mind were sweet, girl and bunny! She has slept with a stuffed animal bunny from the hospital the day she was born and I had hung a bunny picture in her nursery before she was born. So we had a sweet girly pink bunny party!

We held the party at Rhonda's new event venue because it was a cool different look for a first birthday and different from Everett's party the month before at home. I used some fabric from our wedding reception that really helped set the tone of girly sweetness. After doing boy parties for 3 years it was fun to indulge in the pink and pretty of desserts, flowers and decor.

We celebrated with family and sweet friends! Haven was surrounded by her Gran-Nana, Doss, Cha Chee, Mimi, Aunt Kels, Aunt Nene, Cousin Norah, Rhonda, Max, and Emmee, Aunt Carrie and BJ, Cousins Blaine, Kennedy and Brady. Grandma White and Mimi Susie, And our sweet precious friend Diane who has loved on and watched Haven and Everett for us! Of Course Dad, Mom and Everett were all there also!

 

Haven was spoiled with lots of clothes and gifts to which she cared little about and Everett was thrilled to add new toys to "his" collection.

Our sweet little girl proved to be quite the eater as she devoured into the cake Mimi made for her.

We couldn't have had a better time celebrating our sweet girl's first birthday! We love you Haven Molly!! 

Setback

I am sitting in a hospital room holding hands tightly with my mom as she lays in bed sleeping and mumbling in her sleep. Yesterday she was rushed to the ER because she was choking and her caretaker couldn't get her breathing again. As I turned my phone off Airplane mode on my charger my phone was flooded with messages alerting me to the incident. My heart immediately dropped and I immediately thought about the DNR we had on Mom and worried they would do nothing to help her! I scooped up my kids and raced to drop them off with Doss and Charlotte. I ran as fast as I could into the ER and to her room. I wasn't sure she would be alive but she was! She was in bad shape and the doctors and nurses kept telling us what a close call she had. I couldn't get my tears under control. I couldn't imagine losing her. I couldn't handle the idea of losing both parents to aspiration. So here we sit in a room on the fifth floor waiting. Waiting to see if the swallowing issues that caused her to aspirated is due to the digression of her disease or due to effects of a UTI she has had. Waiting to see if we go home or if we stay. Waiting and wondering what else this horrific disease has in mind for my beautiful courageous mom. 

This setback comes as a tremendous blow because since we have moved mom into a care home where she is receiving such tremendous care and experienced such a turnaround. For the first time in a long time I felt like I had my mom back. She was more alert. She stopped hitting and being combative. She would go for rides with me and the kids and listen to music. She sat and watched as Haven and Everett wrestled on the floor and laughed at them. She scolded Everett for taking off Havens sock. She hugged and kissed them. For the first time ever I felt like she really saw Haven, really a looked at her and beheld her beautiful namesake. She told me over and over she loved me, she kissed me, she said my name, she rubbed my back and Stroked my hand. I knew it wouldn't last forever but after months of extreme behavior it has been the greatest pleasure to sit and love on one another we used to. 

I don't know what to hope for except for peace. Alzheimer's I hate you. I hate you for how you continue to rob us of the special moments we deserve. I hate you! 

Haven Molly is ONE!

My oh my how in the world is it even possible that Haven Molly is ONE?! This little beauty is Joyful, Funny, Loud, Precious and Independent!

Sweet Haven you are full of surprises! About 3 weeks ago you stopped taking your formula so we tried you on Whole Milk and you haven't looked back since. You gulp down milk like it's going out of style. You also like apple juice but especially if it's in your brother's sippee cup! We got you one of your own big kid cups and you are handling it like the pro that you are. You can also out eat Everett at any given meal. Your favorite things to eat are goldfish, apple sauce, eggs, and granola bars or pretty much anything that is around.

Haven you have learned to stick up for yourself with Everett... you can "take him down" and it is hilarious to watch. He lets you do this but you certainly pin him down and then you guys just laugh and laugh and laugh. It is the sweetest thing to watch you two play together and laugh at one another! You love to be held sweet Haven. Especially if your Mom is around. While I am doing chores you chase me down on your hands and knees crying to be held. This is actually about the only time you cry. I just bought another baby carrier for toddlers so that I can carry you with me while doing laundry and cleaning house. I am cherishing these moments because I know you won't want to be held like this forever. You do like to snuggle and will lay your head down on whomever chest is around.

You are really starting to talk a bit and talk back to Everett. You are saying Mama, Dada, Nana, and Hi. But you also like to mouth off and if I am getting on to Everett you jump in and give him some choice ramblings as well. You love to mimic his animal sounds that he does!

Haven you now have 10 teeth! You love love love baths and will take off to the bath as soon as you hear the water turn on. You are dancing anytime there is music on and it's the cutest thing ever! You have also started clapping your hands! On the day we had your birthday party on March 18th, we got home and you took off walking with 7 steps. You haven't really stood on your own at this point and are just walking from place to place with the help of furniture so we were shocked when you took off like this! We tried to get  you to do it again but you only took about 3 steps and sat down. All that to say I think it will only be a few days before you are off and walking!

Your hair is starting to grow in more fuller and it has the prettiest red shine to it. You look so much like your Nana right now and I hope you stay looking like that. Your eyes have settled a beautiful brown which you get from your Dad along with  your beautiful full lips. People say they see me in you and I am hoping it continues to show!

Haven we had your 12 month wellness check and you weighed in at 24 lbs. 2.5 ounces and 30 3/8 inches long!  This put you in the 90 and 95 percentile. The doctor said you are ahead developmentally and are completely perfect which we already knew of course!

You sweet girl have completed our family in a way we never knew possible! You have brought so much joy and happiness into our lives! We absolutely adore you and are so blessed by  you sweet one! I can't wait to watch as you grow and learn more about the world around you! Happy Birthday Beautiful Girl!!