A Loss

A few weeks ago I called Drew at work and asked him to bring me home some pregnancy tests. Everett and Haven were napping and I ran into the bathroom to find out if we were expecting our third child or not. Within 30 seconds that second line turned blue and I knew it was true. Drew was anxiously timing the test in the other room as I walked out crying he wondered what was going on. I told him he could go ahead and check it because it would show him we were pregnant again. We both cried with Joy! We were so excited to be adding another child to our two perfect babies we already had!

We went to the doctor for our first OB appointment at our 8 week mark. It was so redundant at first having been through this twice already we felt like old pros walking in the office. We confidently handled our first meeting with the nurse and got our goody bag of goodies for expectant parents. I went down had lab work done before we went to our scheduled first sonogram. We got called back to have our sonogram and as we were watching on the screen as the tech was looking around my uterus I could instantly tell this pregnancy was different. The black hole which normally holds the fetus looked empty to me. I asked if it was and the tech said she needed to zoom in. She told us the fetus was measuring 6 weeks and was very small. As she kept looking I could tell this was not going to be good news. She could not locate a yolk sac which is what was supposed to be giving the fetus nutrients. I asked if she could find a heartbeat and she said No but it may be too early. As we wrapped up the sonogram feeling deflated and uncertain the tech stepped out to give our doctor upstairs a call. Drew and I looked sadly at one another in stunned silence. The tech came back in and told me the doctor wanted to meet with us and then asked if we wanted the pictures. I had never been asked that before so it was another clear sign that this pregnancy was not going to be viable. We declined the pictures and followed the tech in silence as she led us up the back way to our doctors office. I felt like we were the people they shield the happy pregnant people from. As we sat across from our doctor explaining to us that this pregnancy was not going to be fruitful in delivering that third baby to our family I tried my hardest not to cry. She explained to us how common this was and how it shouldn't hinder our hopes of having another child later. She reassured me it was nothing I did or didn't do but nature's way of making sure we get a healthy baby.  I looked at my husband, who was so excited for this new life just moments ago, as he tried to comprehend what we were being told. Reality was slapping us in the face. We left the office clinging our hands tightly together letting it sink in. As we drove to pick up Everett and Haven from Nana's house it dawned on us that Everett was excitedly expecting to have a new what he was sure would be is a sister. It obviously was a mistake to tell him so soon and the other family members we did but we had never had trouble before and weren't expecting to this time. I didn't think I would cry. I knew how common this was and told Drew a week ago that my Mom had experienced a miscarriage and I wouldn't be surprised if I did too at some point. However thinking I may have one and actually walking the road is incredibly different.

My heart is broken for this little life that will not come to be. Devastated for the hope this baby held for our family and the joy gone with it. I do believe in a God that has a plan and a purpose for our family. I know he will bless us and our journey to have more children in the future but for now we are sad. It feels ridiculous and silly to mourn so heavily a fetus that was so small but there has been a real hole in our hearts already left by this little one. I have been had an unexpected sadness and loss in my soul.

Sweet Everett hasn't said another word about the baby... somehow he knows. After a D&C and some time processing the loss we are ready to look forward to the future and the hopefully healthy babies that await to be added to our family.