3.22.2017

Setback

I am sitting in a hospital room holding hands tightly with my mom as she lays in bed sleeping and mumbling in her sleep. Yesterday she was rushed to the ER because she was choking and her caretaker couldn't get her breathing again. As I turned my phone off Airplane mode on my charger my phone was flooded with messages alerting me to the incident. My heart immediately dropped and I immediately thought about the DNR we had on Mom and worried they would do nothing to help her! I scooped up my kids and raced to drop them off with Doss and Charlotte. I ran as fast as I could into the ER and to her room. I wasn't sure she would be alive but she was! She was in bad shape and the doctors and nurses kept telling us what a close call she had. I couldn't get my tears under control. I couldn't imagine losing her. I couldn't handle the idea of losing both parents to aspiration. So here we sit in a room on the fifth floor waiting. Waiting to see if the swallowing issues that caused her to aspirated is due to the digression of her disease or due to effects of a UTI she has had. Waiting to see if we go home or if we stay. Waiting and wondering what else this horrific disease has in mind for my beautiful courageous mom. 

This setback comes as a tremendous blow because since we have moved mom into a care home where she is receiving such tremendous care and experienced such a turnaround. For the first time in a long time I felt like I had my mom back. She was more alert. She stopped hitting and being combative. She would go for rides with me and the kids and listen to music. She sat and watched as Haven and Everett wrestled on the floor and laughed at them. She scolded Everett for taking off Havens sock. She hugged and kissed them. For the first time ever I felt like she really saw Haven, really a looked at her and beheld her beautiful namesake. She told me over and over she loved me, she kissed me, she said my name, she rubbed my back and Stroked my hand. I knew it wouldn't last forever but after months of extreme behavior it has been the greatest pleasure to sit and love on one another we used to. 

I don't know what to hope for except for peace. Alzheimer's I hate you. I hate you for how you continue to rob us of the special moments we deserve. I hate you! 


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