One Year

Instead of single-mindedly pursuing some goal, talk with me about it. Let the light of My Presence shine on this pursuit, so that you can see it from My  perspective. If the goal fits into My plans for you, I will help you reach it. If it is contrary to My will for you , I will gradually change the desire of your heart. Seek Me first and foremost; then the rest of your life will fall into place, piece by piece.

I am the most indecisive person ever. I think a majority of this comes from my "people pleasing" personality... I dont like to make decisions that I feel will lead to someone being disappointed with or in me.

I am so indecisive that over the past 3 years... I have moved to and from Amarillo 4 times. CRAZY! Always running back to Abilene where I desperately wanted out of but always felt comfortable. This was pretty much my 6 month routine.

This March marks 1 year consistenly living in the same place!! YAY for ME! I am telling you this is a first since I graduated college.

I am not a person who makes decisions easily or willingly, I hate change. I literally had my house sold out from under me last year this month to force me into making a decision.

It wasn't clear to me at all... it just seemed like the easiest best way to go at the moment. I struggled significantly with leaving my mom and my grandparents. But without having a place to live and not wanting to commit to a lease (that is another problem of mine, commitment) I knew I could come back to Amarillo, walk into a great job and live with my sister (technically my cousin but we were raised like sisters and that is what she is.)

I was working at a job I HATED and while in the office called my current boss, got the job, and 10  minutes later got a picture text from Neeley of a house to rent that I have now called home for the past year.

Life moved very fast and I know that was completely God's handywork.. because if it were up to me I would have chickened out. 

Looking back on the past year I know that this was the absolute best place for me to be!

I would never have thought say 3 years ago that this is where I would be in my life.... sometimes I struggle with wanting/feeling like I need to be more accomplished or more settled than I am.

I am constantly told by people around me that they are envious of my carefree lifestyle... that I am not locked down to children or a husband right now and to ENJOY IT. I am told that it is exciting  to know that your whole life is ahead of you and you have no idea what awaits.

When I read verses like Matthew 6:33 Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well...

I am comforted and reminded that God has my plan laid out more perfectly than I can imagine and instead of feeling anxious about it I need to look for the new adventures in each day that he has laid out before me.

This past year has been the hardest and most challenging of my life but it has brought me back into a relationship with Him... I cannot wait to see what the next year holds!!

Coop-Aloop

This past summer, I lost my first Dog I ever owned. He was absolutely precious... I rescued him from a shelter during a very lonely period of my life. While watching tv one day we discovered that he liked to sing to "Happy Birthday" and during roadtrips this turned into singing along with me and Celine as well.

I felt very empty and lonely after he passed and in a quick decison decided to get a big dog... I had always wanted a Great Dane but couldn't get one due to my landlord's rules.

So I looked in the paper and found this darling dog. (Cooper is on the right)



Neeley and I drove the next day to  Oklahoma to meet the breeders and get who after many name changes would be Cooper.

We thought that they had brought the parent's to show us when we pulled up because there was a big dog in the back of their car. and Cooper was only 4 months old at this point.... ummm yea no parents just a big ole baby!

I really thought he was a dud at first, he just laid in the back and was extremely scared. We went to get him supplies first thing and had to carry him around the store the entire time. (Sweet Baby Bear.)

He is one years old now and although he is lacking in some obedience training I just adore him!



His hair got a little out of control and had to be cut down short short.

Ridiculous that I just did a whole post on my dog, maybe a little bit. Oh Well... It's my Blog and I think he is just the cutest!

Stop this Train

Ohhh Friday... How I Love Thee

I am exhausted from this week... started working out again with my very own personal trainer also my namesake... Auntie. She is HARDCORE! It feels good to be up and moving around in the mornings with enough time to actually get ready as opposed to sleeping in till the very last moment and rushing to throw something semi- professional on.

I have been dating a fella since October and although I am not one for putting  my love life out for everyone to read about... we are both struggling through some incredibly hard times right now.

My family has been struck down by diseases and illness... my mom's diagnosis of dementia... and my dad's battling of cancer.

He has been dealing with both of his parents illnesses as well... his mom has suffered from medical complications for a long time and is having kidney failure and going back and forth from the hospital to find out what to do. Yesterday he also learned that his dad has been put onto a heart transplant list... although I am lacking in specific details (He doesn't like to talk about such things especially after I have been dealing with so much, he is a silent struggler but I can hear it in his voice and I heard him cry for the first time last night since we have been dating) there is nothing they can do for his dad now except get him a new heart.

As I talked to him on the phone last night (he actually lives 45 minutes away from Amarillo and last night was not one of our nights to see each other) I tried to reassure him of medical advances and that everything will be OK all the while thinking I dont know if it will be for either of us. I have no way of knowing what the future holds... I broke down with him more for my struggles than his.

I LOVE John Mayer and I really like this song

but I can't listen to this song with out crying (or at all right now)

No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly won't someone stop this train

Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train

See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

I hate being in the place of seeing our parents struggle... they are supposed to be our rocks.

To always be there. To answer all the questions I still have.

But worrying does absolutely no good... so these were the comforting words I found last night through my tears...

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?"
Luke 12: 25-26

 

(this has nothing to do with this post but I love it, Kelsey and her flat feet are so precious and a constant reminder to live in the here and now.)

 

"BE JOYFUL ALWAYS; PRAY CONTINUALLY; GIVE THANKS IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES for this is God's will for you through Christ Jesus"
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Spoons.

The Bachelor has become a weekly staple in our house. All of our friends (especially the guys) have gotten very very into the drama of the season. Our Monday nights, or sometimes Tuesdays thanks to DVR, are usually compiled of 8 or 9 of us all huddled around eating whatever we found to munch on ooohing and ahhing to the events happening that week in Bachelorworld.

Needless to say like I am sure the rest of the world I am rooting for Emily to win Brad's heart. Although due to some investigation work by our internet obsessed friend,  that is not what the spoilers are saying at all. Tear. But I will hope for her to win till the very end and if she isnt choosen decide she is ultimately too good for Brad. I do like Chantal though and will OK with that choice as well.

Anyway... after watching The Bachelor we have been playing a fun old game from back in the day... anyone remember Spoons?!

Yes, that simple little game where you pass cards around until one person has 3 of a kind and then everyone dives to make sure they have a spoon to keep from getting out. I am telling you this game is like the funnest ever... or maybe we are just simpled out after watching The Bachelor... who knows but regardless it is a good time!

As we have introduced more and more friends to the events of our Monday/Tuesday nights and tried to talk them into playing spoons, there is always one time during the night when a very sweet person will offer up their spoon to the new player who hasn't gotten it down enough to compete with those who take it super serious. We are all after all Jesus Lovers so some acts of kindness are required.

So if you are ever bored... playing spoons is a great idea for a group of peeps... you will be suprised at how much fun you have!

Weekend of Crafting

Sooo a weekend update on the following Wednesday isn't soooo bad, RIGHT?!

Anyway since I have been in super crafty mode lately I have had a couple DIY's I have wanted to try and SAWEEET LAURA BETH wanted to try some out too!

After grabbing some of the yummiest sushi in Amarillo, we went for a slight TJMAXX run-- which resulted in NADA! So we went home to chill, pretty uneventful.

Saturday I took her to my FAV bakery on my side of the RILLO, Village Bakery for some amazing Cinnamon rolls, and got the nerve up to try a Breakfast Scone (will pass that one up  the next time.)

Then after a quick tour of the town and all my favorite HOT SPOTS it was off to JoAnn's for some crafting fun!

I had been making rolled bud flowers and open flowers on headbands and wanted to take it a step forward to necklaces.... found this great DIY

The scene....unfortunately you cant see the yummy Pizza that gave us the stamina to continue.

(sorry for the blurr... i didnt have my specticals on) Overall pretty proud.

Another fun creation!

Only made it out with one of these suckers and I really wanted three to put on a gold chain....

very Antrho inspired!

Will definitely have to make a fun later to the craft haven store again.

It was sooo amazing to have LB here! I have missed her sooo very very much and it was great to catch up and chillax for the weekend!!

Thank you LB for coming to see MY TOWN! 

It sure made me miss this face though...

Updates and Forgivness

This past weekend one of my Besties... Laura Beth came to the big ole AMARILLO to visit. I was SIKED!! And I swear I am not going to make references to HOW LONG it took her to come visit even though we live just an hour and half apart.... NOT GONNA DO IT! Anyway we had a great weekend together... more to come on that.

Friday my Dad had surgery on his abdomen area. I wrote before that he found a lumb in November/December.

The surgery was somewhat exploratory and he was fearful that some of his organs might be removed. God watched carefully over him and the surgeon was able to remove 75% of the mass without any major organ removals. The remaing percent they feel will be able to be treated with chemo or radiation.

My dad has such a positive outlook on the whole thing, having beaten the cancer before. Before he went in for surgery he told me he was nervous and worried but was mostly concerned he wouldn't be able to eat steaks or mexican food... so something I would be extremely concerened about!

He was on a liquid diet following the surgery and was gotten up for rehab the very next day. Today he is going home!

My realtionship with my dad has been a very very rocky one over the past 21 years. I have gone through many many emotions but always my caring, need to make everyone feel comfortable and loved side has out weighed any of the other feelings.

I hear many stories, especially around Christmas of how much my Dad loved me. How he was such a wonderful dad and just adored his "princess." I will admit it is very very hard to hear these stories.

After he left, I remember being the "cheerleader" for dad, that was of course once I was old enough to realize what was going on. My big brother did not at all want a relationship and I remember continually writing, calling, talking to my dad to the disgust of Ryan.

In the beginning we saw him often... every couple weekends if I remember correctly. I remember one time going to a mall with him and my brothers and Dad buying us pongs to play with. We also went to a western store to get loaded up on Cowboy gear... I got my first pair of black lace-up boots and had a picture made all  together.

Time began to slip away from us and we saw him less and less. We moved to Nashville and didn't see him at all for a while. When we moved back to Texas he moved to Tennessee. I remember being very upset!

Somewhere along the line Ryan got over his anger and he and my dad now have the closest relationship. Ryan lived with him and his wife for awhile.

I have felt extreme guilt about my relationship with my Dad out of the lack of relationship with Patrick.

Patrick was 2 when my parents divorced. Their splitting fight occured on his birthday. Patrick never knew my Dad and Dad never knew Patrick.

I know that my Dad has reached out somewhat to Patrick in the past years... and I suppose to Patrick it was too little too late. I can't blame him... and I can't talk to him about it. Despite the anger and rejection I know Patrick has felt all these years he is extremely calm and soft spoken about the subject.

A girl's need to feel love and acception from her dad is biblical. Throughout all the years of rejection, lack of communication (on both parts) and hurt of breaking our family apart, there is still a desperate yearning for my Dad.

It is extremely hard for some people to understand a daughters need for her presence in her life no matter how dysfunctional it started.

I remember the day he called me to tell me he was diagnosed with cancer. I was a junior at ACU and was in my room that I shared with my friend Valerie in a house we lived in with two other friends. I had a mesquito net around me bed and remember sitting down crying on the floor among the netting. I was devestated and thought that I had been so selfish and lost time.

I have realized that it has taken a looonnnng while for me to come to a full FORGIVENESS of the past created by his decisions. I thought long ago that I was totally fine with my parents divorce and I really wasnt affected by it. I wouldn't necessarily have chosen it to be differently but I don't know that I have ever forgotten or forgiven the circumstances that have been results of it.

I heard this definition of forgiveness the other day... "Forgivness is giving up the HOPE that the past could have been any different."

I still go through phases of feeling complete disappointment but have come to realize it is what it is. My dad is who he is and I cannot change the past only take advantage of the future. He is not perfect and neither am I.
Patrick is a grown man and he will have to do his own journeying to find the relationship he desires or continue successfully without it regardless that is his own relationship to do with as he pleases.

I continually lift up that relationship as well as my own for the Lord to guide.

I am so grateful for the continued chance to nuture our relationship into whatever it will be. I am so grateful that he has come through the sugery successfully and our journey will continue.

Stuck.

Today I am feeling very humbled.

I recently stumbled across this blog. Reading the posts of this mom, photographer,widow blogger. I have really been put into place today. She writes with such truth and passion. She doesnt try to mask how she is feeling or make herself appear more together or better than she is. Right now she is completely heartbroken and she is writing that. I am slightly obsessed with her blog right now, not to mention her candid photography.

I talked to my mom today... she has been dying to go to North Carolina to visit my brother and sister-in-law but more importantly my niece, Peyton who is growing up far to fast and to far away! I know that it is extremely hard to sit around the house and do somewhat meaningless tasks when you feel like there is a time urgency on your quality of life. Mom fearing that she cannot make the trip to North Carolina alone has asked if I would be able to go with her, to which I replied.. ABSOLUTELY YES! Turns out she wants to (or my brother is asking for her to) stay for 2 weeks....2 WEEKS. There is nothing I would love to do more than just take off and go spend some quality time with mi madre and brother's family for two weeks. I am desperately wanting to take some new pics of Peyton, but it seems a little impractical for me right now and that is completely frustrating! I can't go for 2 weeks without pay... I have rent and bills to deal with... sucks!

I really feel like I took a little of the wind power out of her sails today when I didn't react like she probably wanted me too. I am feeling very helpless and so far away from her right now. And after reading Valerie's blog I am more wanting to get up and go and spend ALL the time in the world with my mom... making everyday special! But I am stuck here... having to work to pay for my living... I miss the days of being in school living in my mom's back house working a part time job with hardly any cares in the world. I miss our nights together eating Jason's Deli salad bars and watching TV. I miss riding around in her convertible going for desert at Olive Garden and getting manicures.

So badly I want to have her with me so I can take care of all this mess for her and tell her everyday to her face how much I LOVE HER!

I am really praying for God to answer my prayers today that could offer some ease to the distance and financial hardships and to take away my anxiety.

This is in his hands... I have NO control. I must remember that!