Jurassic Quest Adventure

In February we celebrated Everett's 4th Birthday. I am still trying to figure out how my sweet little baby boy has grown into this seemingly huge sweet toddler boy! I was bound and determined to not do a big birthday party for Everett this year like in years past however this didn't really come to be.

Everett continues to love everything dinosaur and animals. His absolute favorite things to get are dinosaur toys and small life like animals to create imaginative scenes of play with. Over the past holidays and birthdays he has collected just about every dinosaur and animal we could hope to find and I was searching for something more meaningful to gift him with for his 4th birthday. We heard about "Jurassic Quest" coming to a town about an hour away from us where they have life-size life-like robotic dinosaurs of all kinds in exhibits to see. Drew and I knew that Everett would absolutely love seeing the dinosaurs he loves so much in a massive scale and decided to take him and Haven for Everett's birthday gift this year. So one Saturday morning we loaded up and made the short trek over to Clovis, NM to embark on the Jurassic Experience of Everett's dreams.

Immediately upon pulling into the jam packed parking lot we saw several giant dinosaurs to which Everett began excitedly yelling out their technical names which he has learned all of.  "Mom look its a brontosaurus and a pachesefalosaurus and Ohhhhhh a T-Rex!!!" Drew and I knew instantly this little drive was completely worth it and hopefully he would always remember. Everett could hardly contain his excitement when we entered the convention center where there were dozens of scenes set up with robotic dinosaurs all roaring, grunting, and moving their heads.

We spent the next few hours walking around with Everett in complete awe as he saw the creatures he's watched on TV come to life in front of his eyes. I was worried that seeing these life size animals would scare him a little but was not worried at all about how Haven would react to seeing this huge creatures as she is absolutely fearless at this age. There was an area set up in the arena with a "walking dinosaur" that was a person in an elaborate velasa raptor costume that moved in incredible life-like movements and this was the only time that Everett began to get nervous. As I was holding him to get a better look and the walking dinosaur moved throughout the crowd playfully grabbing men's hats off their heads Everett began pulling me by the shirt to move back out of the line of interaction.








The whole experience was over-priced but worth it to see the excitement and amazement on Everett's face as he came face to face with the creatures he loves so much. We topped off the event with Everett riding an ankylosaurus and both kids leaving with a dinosaur memento to remember the day.

Rory Ashton

The past few months have been full of milestone's in our household as we have celebrated Everett turning 4 and Haven turning 2! We have also been busy being in a family wedding with Everett as the sweetest little ring bearer ever next to precious Norah as flower girl and Drew and I have celebrated a whopping 5 years of marriage! We have joked that in the past 5 years since we said "I do" to one another we have lived what feels like should be 20 years of life. Through it all I continue to grow remarkably grateful that he choose me to be his wife and that I get to have him as my partner in this crazy beautiful life!

( Me as a bridesmaid in my cousins wedding carrying you at 27 weeks. Dad says it’s a fake smile but it’s the only bump picture I’ve taken so far ) 

Intertwined in the life we have experienced and lived in the past 8 months specifically we have been anxiously awaiting the arrival of our 3rd precious baby! We will be welcoming Rory Ashton Neal into our little family in June! I have struggled with posting about her for several reasons but mostly out of fear that this precious gift could be taken from us before she actually got here. I think this is natural after experiencing a miscarriage coupled with the loss of my Mom this year but this little girl has been a beautiful reason to move forward each day and look to the future with hope!





We found out we were pregnant with Rory in early October and immediately began to hope that God would grant us the gift of another daughter. We were overjoyed to find out right before New Years that she was indeed the daughter and sister we had prayed for.

In early January during our second trimester sonogram at our doctor's office we discovered we had a very snuggly girl who loves to keep her hand by her face. Our doctor also alerted us to a potential abnormality on her skull. It was described to me as a possible cystic structure but very unknown to our doctor of what it was or what it meant. We were referred to a specialist whose first opening was 6 weeks later. For the next 6 weeks we anxiously awaited the appointment with the specialist while avoiding researching the unknowns and worst case scenarios of what could be going on with our girl. The appointment finally came and after a very long sonogram that focused primarily on the head by a dull sono tech the specialist came in to proceed with the sonogram. I had prayed and hoped and believed that there would be nothing wrong with our baby and that we would have a clear scan but when the doctor came in I was sure I was wrong. Thankfully God had his hands on forming this girl and created her perfect in every way because the specialist could find no abnormalities what so ever! We were overjoyed and ecstatic to say the least!

Choosing a name for babies is hard but it seems to get more difficult with each added child. I have been so honored to have carried the middle name of my favorite aunt through my life and wanted my children to know they were named for someone who was/is very special to their parents and will be in their lives as well. Everett was easy being named for my beloved Grandy and his own Dad. Haven's middle name was after my hero and courageous Mom. Although I have several amazing women and people in my life to choose from for Rory there was one person who I always knew I wanted to name my daughter after. I was not blessed with a biological sister growing up but the Lord gave me a cousin who has been my sister from the very beginning. Neeley has been a constant in my life through the ups and downs and I knew that if we had another daughter she would carry her Aunt's name in some way. After sorting through dozens of girl names Drew finally came to me with Rory, which I absolutely adored! Rory seemed to fit in so perfectly with Everett and Haven's names. Since Neeley's first name is actually Ashton we decided to use that for Rory's middle name landing us with Rory Ashton Neal. It seemed to fit her immediately and complete who she was in our minds!

Rory my precious girl I can not wait to meet you! In every sonogram we have had of you, you have been bundled up in a ball and snuggled up as close to me as physically possible in the womb. We even got pictures of your sweet little nose smashed against the placenta because you just want to snuggle. You are a huge fan of having your hand up by your face which reminds me so much of your sister's sonogram pictures but you seem to be looking full in the face with big cheeks like your brother. However you come out you will be perfect! Your brother and sister are so excited to welcome you and love to say "Hi" to you through my tummy. Haven especially is a big fan of giving you sugars which I know she will smother you with when you get here!






Lord willing we have 9 weeks left before we meet you sweet girl and each one of us are so very excited!

A birthday gift

For many many years I have shared my birthday, when I was younger Patrick and I shared since our birthdays were only 3 days apart. We often had joint parties growing up but each with our own theme to make us feel special. It annoyed me some years but being a mom now I completely see the convenience and cost of having two parties together. As I grew up I got to share my birthday celebration with my Mom. Our’s is 4 days apart and the past 7 years each year we had joint family gatherings I have looked at as an honor. I knew the birthday would one day eventually come when I would have to do it alone again and I was not in the slightest ready for that day. Today is my 32, birthday and I have it all to myself. I would give anything to be attending a joint party for Mom and I. She with her carrot cake and I with my chocolate. 

Ever since Oct. 28th I have been afraid and equally excited to be alone, in the dark at night especially because I just knew you would be appearing to me first chance you got. You would come to me and tell me you were ok, that I would be ok, that I made the right decisions. I became obsessed with the idea of seeing you. Would you appear in my dreams? I once thought I heard you call my name. I was doing dishes, listening to music while the kids took naps and I heard your voice so clear, “Megan.” I stood frozen looking for you but you never appeared. Sometime along the days I have not been consumed with the idea of seeing you. Frightened by what would happen or how I may react I pushed it to the back of my mind. 

Everett has not once looked for you or asked where you were and I have worried he would forget his sweet bond with you. We try to talk about you, things you liked, ice cream you loved, the beautiful moon shining down on us is you. He’s so sensitive and quiet about it. Last night while playing with his kitchen toys he got for Christmas Everett looked up at me and and plain as day said “Mom, Solly Moo is with me.” I was floored and caught off guard for a moment. I asked if you spoke to him and he said “No just standing with me.” I asked if you hugged him and he said “ No, just kisses 3 times.” I wish I had asked what you were wearing knowing he would say white but I couldn’t hold back the tears. I gathered myself and told him to be sure and give you kisses back. To tell you we missed you and love you. He recounted the exact same story to His Dad who walked  in a few minutes later. 

I believe so much you came to him last night. That you are with us and looking out for us even when we don’t know it! I love you always and forever! 

59

I have written a post a thousand times in my head over the past few months but never had the courage to actually sit down and do it. I feel like I have been living in an alternate reality, waiting to wake up and continue our journey together.

My memories are broken into two of you, prediagnosis and post diagnosis.  The memories of both are so dear to me.

Today is your 59th birthday. We would have celebrated with a big breakfast, maybe a movie or some shopping afterwards. Outback for dinner no doubt with dessert! I can't help but think about last year, how we took you to Outback and I was so worried about how you would do. However you did amazing, Patrick sitting by your side helping you eat. We read you birthday cards and you wept upon hearing Nana's. It was such a sweet day! If you were still here with us today, living like you were this past year, the kids and I would have picked you up and gone for a drive in the park having chocolate shakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner! We would have gotten a car wash together, one of yours and the kids favorite things to do. We would have visited Nana. I would have brought you orange/ coral flowers to put in your room. We would have held hands and told each other "I love you" as we drove around listening to Kenny Chesney. It would have been perfect.

But today you are celebrating your earthly birthday in Heaven. Surrounded by your Dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles, probably even my Dad because you were amazing at forgiveness. What we would have done for you today doesn't even compare to the celebration you are having right now.

Today I wore your orange sweater that stretches over my baby bump, we took flowers to your grave. We listened to Kenny in your honor and drove through the park and got a car wash. Haven wore a coral bow in her hair. We will get a chocolate milk shake later. We did the things that made us think of you and smile.

I see pieces of you everyday in Haven's orneriness and red hair, Everett's caring nature, Drew's compassion that he learned from you. When I look in the mirror at myself I get glimpses of you and see what people mean when they say we look just alike.

I miss you every moment of every day! I still feel like I am in a surreal universe waiting for real life to kick back in.

Happy Birthday Mom! We celebrate you today, your beauty, your courage, your legacy! I love you always and forever and ever!!

10 Days

Monday, Ten days ago my Aunt Cindy brought my Mom to my house as they were out driving. It was very evident Mom was not herself this day because she barely reacted to me but also made no reaction to the idea of ice cream which can always get a response from her. After getting her home and having a nurse assess her we discovered she had a extremely high fever and low blood pressure and a UTI. I spent hours sitting by her bed waiting for medicine to help. She was very lethargic and not able to swallow meds and becoming increasingly dehydrated. Around 11 pm with no help from hospice and some advice from those around us, I made the call to have Mom taken to the ER for fluids and antibiotics via IV.  When the paramedics arrived we were informed she was already in septic shock and was in grave condition. 

I drove the hospital as fast as I could and beat the ambulance where I was forced to wait out in the waiting room for her arrival. All I could do was cry because I didn’t know if she would make it to the hospital alive. We were finally able to be in a room with her where saline and antibiotics were pushed quickly and heavily into her system. After several more hours of staring into her wide bright blue eyes, holding her hand and listening to her try and tell me she loved me in response to my I love you’s we had a doctor come in. Mom had always been clear about her wishes for a advance directive and we had signed on when we came on to hospices care. I was told by the doctor Mom’s kidneys had already been severely damaged as well as her muscles and it was only continuing throughout the rest of her body. Due to the seriousness of the infection and the inability to treat septic shock to the fullest with the advance directive the doctor gave me a few options. 1) Mom is released to hospice care and returned home to fight the infection on her own and die in peace. 2) Mom is given a central line and administered meds for her Blood Pressure along with fluids to possibly counteract the infection, however there was a possibility of drowning her lungs or that it just wouldn’t work 3) Admit Mom and see if hospice would come treat her and keep her comfortable in the hospital. 

I discussed in length with the Doctor and Patrick and felt the overwhelming urge that there were no guarantees Mom’s quality of life would be better after invasive treatments. And the reality of us facing this situation again in a week or month with another infection was high. I felt strongly that Mom would choose to go back home and finish her fight in peace instead of staying at a hospital with harsh treatments. So I rode back to Mom’s carehome with her in an ambulance knowing our time together was extremely limited. 

We arrived home early on Tuesday morning and got Mom settled back comfortably in her bed surrounded by her belongings. She drank a few sips from a straw and ate a chocolate malt. Morphine was started to keep her comfortable and she closed her eyes and continued to rest peacefully. The following days were spent in a bedside vigil as we counted breaths, heart rates and oxygen levels. Family and friends were constantly coming and growing. We were spent in a ground hogs day scenarios where each day was the same as before with few changes from day to day. The cast of characters the same, the setting the same, the purpose the same. Mom somehow managed to display epic strength and prove the doctors wrong as she fought through the infection. 

Yesterday on the 9th day she opened her eyes for the first time. She was able to make eye contact with me and Tried to say something but after having her mouth agape for 8 days her mouth and throat were to dry for anything more than a moan. It was a sweet gift! I was sure yesterday would be the day she finally passed through Heaven’s gates but she has fought through another day. Yesterday my brothers, Drew, Taren, Nana and I went and met with a funeral home and picked out a casket. It was surreal and horrible. Knowing what is still coming is unbearable. 

As I sit here by her bed, she has just recently opened her eyes again and moaned as she looked into my eyes. She is skin and bones and her beautiful face looks more like a skeletons. Seeing her go through this struggle for a week and a half has broken me, broken my heart. I am angry that through a life of such struggling, such unfairness in this disease process she must continue to fight like this to death. I don’t understand what God is doing. What he is trying to show us. She deserves peace and to rest. She deserves to die with dignity and not in a prolonged horrific state of wasting away. Why God?!! Why?!

Waiting on Death

This feels like a contradiction to all that I have lived for especially in the past several years. Desperately wanting to spend every available second with my Mom soaking in all that she is... but waiting on death to knock on her door I yearn for her freedom from her broken body. I simultaneously long and dread for her last breath because I know as she goes into her freedom and promise of God’s kingdom I am left behind without her. Days of sitting vigil at her bedside has made this an out of body experience, counting breaths from what seems like a long nap. It feels right and wrong all at the same time. 

“I assure you: you will weep and wail; you will become sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn to Joy”

John 16:20

So death we wait for you scared of the sorrow you will bring, the emptiness that awaits no matter how “ready” we may be but terrified you will not show and Mom will go on suffering in this another day. 

I don’t have adequate words to express what I am feeling right now. Hovering somewhere in the midst of emotionally drained, physically exhausted and heartbreakingly devastated. The day I have feared my entire life has approached us and I must soon face the reality of this Earth without my Beautiful Mom living on it. Over the past seven years I have wondered what this would look like and with each decline known it would come sooner but there is nothing that could prepare me for the broken heart I have. As I sit here listening to her breaths my thoughts are of all the amazing memories we have together but also the future things that will never be. I can’t stop thinking about my kids not getting to be with her anymore and most specifically little Everett and his love for his Nana or Solly Moo. My mom heart is battling between wanting him to get a chance to say goodbye and reminding myself he is only 3.5 years old and won’t know the extent of what he is witnessing. But after being in a battling state for 36 hours now and having all her kids and her special son and daughter in law surrounding her, her mom, sisters, nieces and nephews I wonder what she is waiting for. Although I am not ready for the next phase without her. The past year it has been a challenge to load up my kids and visit her in her home away from ours on a nearly daily basis but it has been an absolute honor to get to have such priceless moments and time with her. I don’t know what my days looks like without her in them. She has fought this battle with such grace and dignity! She has battled through every stage like an absolute warrior! I am so unbelievably proud that I get to call this amazing woman my mom! I am one amongst few. I am hers and as we promised one another laying together in bed just over a year ago it will be the two of us together forever!