Fears

Yesterday my mom told me that she was sitting down trying to write a card to an old family friend and couldn't do it. She couldn't think of the words to put down, she couldn't think of how she needed to form the words with letters, she couldn't make her hand move to write they way she wanted to. I sat beside her as tears began running down her cheeks, frustrated, sad, hurt, decieved by her own body. She is tired of not being able to do the things she once could.

I sat heartbroken beside her, knowing there are no words that I can say to console her. To make her feel ok about everything. All I knew to do was kiss and hug her. Heartbroken.

We sat on her bed last night as I showed her how to work her phone. How to tell if she missed calls and from who. How to make calls. Practiced checking her bank account on her phone and sending text messages. She gets frustrated at herself easily and wants to give up.

I hung pictures of my brothers and I on her wall. Some old some new. Pictures of Peyton. Pictures to remind her.

It has begun to hit me that this disease is a genetic demon. I have had trouble with my own words lately... not being able to think of the right words to accurately describe something. Saturday night while cleaning up our last wedding the mother of the bride asked where the dumpster was and I could not come up with the right words to tell her. She looked at me like I was an idiot and horror flashed in my mind as I tried to describe that the dumpster was just on the other side of their trailer at the back of the parking lot. I know I am just in over my head lately, stressed to the max! But one day far sooner than I want or am ready I may be facing the same losses my mom is suffering through right now and that scares me.