My Mom is very aware that there are things she cannot do, things she should be able to do. Things she sees other's around her doing and knows she can't. This makes her angry and sad. Trying to reason with her is like reasoning with a brick wall. She knows what she knows and there is no defying that.
She is jealous of Kelsey because she knows Kelsey has a "brain thing" but can work her iphone, tv, ipad and Mom cannot.
I watched my Dad die of cancer, witnessed the pain and anguish he experienced. The years of battling against it with chemo and radiation. Days I would spend crying for him and what he was having to fight through. It broke my heart to watch that, yet he was able to fight. He went into remission at one point and was able to live his life with a new found appreciation for what he had been through.
At times I think it would be so much easier if my mom had cancer. She would have a chance to fight for her life. I don't write that to discount in any way those who have fought, won or lost against cancer. I have known and loved both! But she doesn't have a chance to fight. She has two medications that may possibly help slow down her dementia but this disease is on a path of destruction and it is only gaining speed. And she knows all she can do is sit back and watch it wipe away the life she knows.
Lately she has been telling me more and more that she "just needs to go somewhere where people can help her" because she "can't do this." The thought of putting her in a home at this point cripples me. I know that at that point her disease will accelerate beyond comprehension and I cannot bear to lose her any quicker than I am already.
For the things she can't remember I am shocked by those that she does. Out of no where she will get agitated and disgusted that she "doesn't have the money to help those people." After fighting to figure out what in the world she is talking about we finally stumble on the topic of the Alzheimer's Walk. "YES! Those people need our help!" The disease hasn't destroyed that yet... the innate need to help others.
I don't often allow myself to wallow in self pity. There are times though where I just curse the world and this terrible disease. My life has not been a walk in the park, although much easier than other's i know. and I know that God never promised it would be easy. but sometimes after a long day, after another phone call that Mom is upset with Nana for what? She doesn't even know. After she tells me she just wants to go be with Jesus one to many times. I call out and ask Why Her? Why this way? Why so young and not when she is in her 70's like other people? Why couldn't we have more years of happiness together instead of so many broken ones? Why?!
The answers I will never get, at least not on this earth. It doesn't help to ask but sometimes you just have to.
So for now we do what we can. We wake up with a new morning and hopes of a better day than the one before.
And right now we are trying to do what we can to help find a cure for this disease. At Mom's insistence and request we are participating in the Alzheimer's Walk again this year in Amarillo. Believe me when I tell you that she knows about every donation and each brings tears to her eyes. She knows you donate because you love her and want to do what you can to show her that. She is holding each in a very special place in her heart.
So for those of you who are interested you can go to www. alz.org/walk and search for my name, Megan Neal to make a donation to our team Miles for Molly.
I appreciate your love and support for us through this time. Your prayers are felt because without them we wouldn't not be able to make it through the days.
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