looking for joy

joy:
–noun

1.

the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation

This life is so full of uncertainty, full of regrets, lost moments, and fragile life. but there is also an immense amount of JOY to be had in or dailiy lives here on this planet.

It is no secret that life has been a bit of an ugly mess lately. There has been facing of looming devastation and the denial of grief in my life. I try to keep my "happy face" on for the most part but upon coming home I tend to break down. I don't want to talk about what is happening in life. I don't want to face the reality. I don't care. When I am home I want to simply be, just exist.

I have been called out several times over the fact that I have "changed." This I know.

I so yearn for the days of carefree existence when money wasn't a factor, when my mom was within walking distance, when relationships were less complicated. I yearn for when I could walk into a room and make my Grandy's face light up. I long for the times of simplicity. I want more than anything to go back to that.

I am trying really hard to find the Joy in life around me. To not take for granted life's simplicities still. To be present in this moment and not worrying about the next.

For most of my life I have had to grow up far quicker than those around me, I have had to face decisions that others have never faced. I do not regret any part of my life because I know that God has laid out my path and blessed it just for me and my traveling down.

Sometimes though I do get discouraged, I get frustrated, I get tired of it. Sometimes I lose sight of they Joy.

Today I am looking for it. I am looking past the negativity around me and am looking to God for his gift of Joy in my life.

For in all things... This to Shall Pass.