I have written before about my decision not to go to Africa because of a need to remain close to my Grandfather. I thought the timing of his death and the departure date for my would be team was always an ironic one. At the beginning of the planning the team was scheduled to leave what would have been 6 months prior to my Grandy's passing, they ended up pushing it back to what turned out to be 1 month exactly after his death. I have thought a few times, had I remained on the team I would still have been able to go due to the timing. However God has other plans. I am so grateful that I made the decision not to go...
Learning that my mom has this alzheimer's disease I know that the time we have together is more and more precious. I want to embrace and cherish every moment that we are given. I wish so much that I had the luxury to quit my job and spend the rest of our days together traveling exploring new things and having fun every step of the way.
My mom and Nana made the trip up to Amarillo this past weekend to have a little birthday celebration. Nana made an amazing brisket and her famous Monterrey Rice Casserole as our family gathered on Saturday night. I was so glad to get to share my birthday with the women who mean the most in the world to me and even more glad to give my mom the birthday celebration of her own she missed out on this year.
Because of the medication she is taking mom started experienceing some nausea during the day. We had set out on a fun birthday day of shopping but was quickly brought to and stop as she got to feeling sick. Me being a person of constant denial I wanted to push the diagnosis out of my head and enjoy the day with my mom as I would have before we knew what was causing her sickness. The nausea served as a constant reminder of the state of her health and the uncertainty of the future. I cannot even let my mind roam to the future that has yet to be, the future my mom may not get to see.
As I tried to escape again last night from my reality by watching the Bachelor I was brought brutally back to the present of my life. My dad who has previously beaten Esophogeal cancer called me to tell me they found a mass in his abdomen. He was diagnosed when I was in college and after surgeries, chemo, and radiation has been cancer free for 2 years now. Over the Thanksgiving/ Christmas seasons he had a scan done that returned with a 5 inch mass in his abdomen. His oncologist is confident that it will be removable with surgery, although he is waiting on his appointment with his surgeon. He is very confident and upbeat about the future.
I, however, broke down immediately. What is happening to my family? Why is all this happening at once? Haven't I suffered enough already? I have not even had time to process the death of my Grandy much less focus on the coming future.
My Nana gave me the daily devotional book, Jesus is Calling for my birthday. I immediately opened up to yesterday's date to find this...
" MY Peace is the treaure of treasures; the pearl of great price. It is an exquisitely costly gift, both for the Giver and the reciever. I purchased thie Peace for you with My Blood. you recieve this gift by trusting Me in the midst of life's storms. If you have the world's peace-- everything going your way-- you don't seek My unfathomable Peace. Thank Me when things do not go your way, because spiritual blessings come wrapped in trials. Adverse circumstances are normal in a fallen world. Expect them each day. Rejoice in the face of hardship, for I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD."
At the age of now 25 I must lift up my cross and know that I am right where God wants me to be. He has my timing and my path laid out in the exact way that will bring the most glory to him. I must contine to trust in his love for me and know that he will guide me through any situtaion. Although I feel like I am drowning right now in the storm, I am trying my hard to just trust.
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