Mom-
I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. I miss you both emotionally and physically. Yesterday we moved you to Heartis Memory Care center and it was truly the hardest thing I have faced yet. I hate seeing your empty room next to mine with all of your stuff gone. I am trying to trick my mind into thinking it is temporary. That we just moved you into a dorm room for college or away for summer camp because the truth is too hard for me to swallow. My heart feels like there has been a goodbye between us and I can not bear it. I have thought about what this Earth would be like without you. Even though so much of you is already gone I can still see you, hug you, kiss you. I can't face the thought of existing without and yet I know that is inevitable. They have recommended that we give you time to adjust to your new surroundings. A week away. It feels like a form of torture. I just want to drive up there and crawl into bed with you. I want you to know that this decision was not an easy one although I am sure if you could you would have insisted on it a long time ago. Patrick and I searched long and hard for the perfect place for you. We felt like God placed this one right in our laps. I know that God is covering you and protecting you... he commands us to release loved ones into his care but it is very hard for me to relinquish that. For the past  year we have lived together and I have managed your daily care. Sometimes it was so hard and sometimes I wanted to run away but I was always honored to be the one to care for you. Always! I have watched as you loved on Everett and eventually Haven in the best way you could. You and Everett developed the most incredible bond and I pray he will remember and cherish that the rest of his life. I am so thankful for the experience of the last year and what it has taught me. I found courage I never knew I had.  It showed me the strength and love my husband has for me and more importantly you. I am honored to give you a touch of the care you gave me as a single mom all those years. I pray you always know the love I have for you. The last few days in the house together you weren't very verbal. Walked with your head down. I cried every single day about losing you. But I would tell you constantly that I loved you and you more often than not would always say, "I love you." Hearing you say those words gave me more comfort than you know. The day we moved you, you started lifting your head again and being more verbal. I think that this was God's way of making it easier for me to release you to a new caretaker. He gave me such peace yesterday as we moved you and I only teared up a few times. It in know way made me less sad but was God's presence in our situation knowing that he can care for you and protect you way more than I can. Mom I cannot wait for the day we are united in Heaven together. I can't wait to hear what you really think of my sweet babies and the tips you would have given me in raising them. But more importantly I want you to tell me you are proud of me and approve of the decisions we made for you. That will be an amazing day. Words cannot describe my love for you. You are my hero. The most courageous woman I know, the strongest woman I know. I am beyond honored to be your daughter!

Meg

Haven's 5 Month Update

I feel like I literally just posted about Haven's 4 month update... guess that's what happens when you do a monthly update 2 weeks late. With another month having passed this sweet girl is continuing to show the most delightful personality!! Our girl is Happy Happy Happy! Haven wakes with a smile, burps with a smile, spits up with a smile, and watches the world around her with a smile. It is the sweetest little gummiest smile ever.

We have tried Haven on a few solid foods as suggested by the Doctor at her last appointments. She is not interested one bit. We have tried Bananas and Apples and she spits them all out. She is also drinking some rice cereal in her formula and does OK with it. We are STILL taking 6 ounces every 4 hours. I am really hoping to stretch out to 5 hours soon.

Haven has officially been moved to her crib and is sleeping like a champ! After her last bottle at 10 PM we put her in a sleep sack and lay her down. She has been sleeping until 7:30 in the morning. I am one happy Mama! She usually takes a nap in her crib and sleep sack in the afternoon as well for 2 - 2.5 hours. This is about the same time Everett goes down every day so Mama gets a little bit of a break.

Dad bought Haven a cute little exersaucer since we sold Everett's when he grew out of it. She is absolutely loving getting to stand up while supported and play with some toys. There is a little cake it that stacks and she loves to knock it over. Haven is really getting good at grabbing things with her hands. The favorite thing she grabs is take her paci in and out of her mouth. She also loves to hold my fingers with her little hands. If Haven is not in her exersaucer she can be found laying on the floor on a play mat or snuggled up in her parent's arms.

Haven is continuing to find her voice and is beginning to laugh a bit. It is the sweetest little laugh! She laughs the most when we swing her a bit... the fast movement makes her so happy. She has also discovered her feet. She loves to hold her feet up and try to put them in her mouth, especially when getting her diaper changed which makes it all the easier for the person changing her diaper. Haven also loves to chew on everything including hands.

Haven Molly you continue to bring absolute Joy to everyone around you! I love to hang on to you a little longer before putting you down because these days are going way to quickly. I hope that will snuggle with me forever. We love and adore you sweet sweet angel!!

Everett's 2 and half year update

Sweet Darling Everett... you are a constant bright spot! I am amazed at how quickly you have grown and figured things out in this big world around you. You are absolutely hysterical and have mastered getting your Dad and I wrapped around your little finger.

You are a truly sweet boy. You have the kindest little heart with a soft spot for your Nana. I love watching you look after her. You always make sure she is included in whatever is going on and guide her around the house by the hand. You most recently took her hand while leaving church and led her out to the car. I was following behind you as you guided her across the street and to the front seat where you pointed and in your own talk told her to get in and sit down. You make her smile every morning as you run in the kitchen where she is eating and yell "Hi" quickly followed by a kiss and hug. You often feel it is needed to come supervise as I change her into her pj's and put her to bed, you pat the bed for her to get in. Yall have a very special connection of your own and it means so much to me. You have such a heart of compassion already for those in need around you. I know God will continue to develop this gift in you and have no doubt you will do great things with it one day.

 You have a fan club everywhere we go, people continue to gawk over how cute you are and you quickly appease them with some form of entertainment. When you walk into church I can always hear people mumbling to one another about how precious you are. We recently had an acapella performance at the end of church service and you danced through it all. Very quickly the entire congregation was watching you and not the performers. You make everyone around you smile!  It makes this Mama very proud! You are a true showman and love to be the center of attention. You have learned to share a little of the spotlight with your sister though. You like to dote on her, always at the ready with a paci or "pass" as you call them. The minute she starts to cry you come get me to tend to her needs. In the mornings while I am getting Nana breakfast you sometimes disappear and I find you looking over your sister, who was asleep, and you are talking to her or gently patting her. You are one proud big brother! You like to hold her hand in the car or lie down beside her when she is on the floor.

You have gone from calling me "mama" to "mom" to "Mom Mom" to "Mommy" sometimes changing daily.  Each one of them melts my heart. You listen to me call out "Mom... Mom" to my Mom (your Nana) and have picked up on that. You have recently moved on from falling your Dad "daa" to "Daddy." I am not sure where you got Mommy and Daddy from but it is adorable! Anytime we go somewhere you say "Hi" and then proceed to point out "Mom" "Daa" and then your Nana and Sister neither of which are quite understandable yet. You are using your words a lot more now and very little cave man talk. It is so fun to teach you words and have you repeat them back to me. You do still love to "roar" at anyone willing to to listen and even those who aren't.

We converted your crib to a toddler bed and I was initially worried about how you would do with more freedom. The very first night you ran and jumped on your bed, laid down and never got out sleeping through the night. You proved that like every sleep transition you have been through you are a champ and continue to sleep through the night. We once caught you in the video monitor getting a dinosaur toy when you were supposed to be in bed. Your dad talked to you through the monitor and you jumped at lightening speed back into bed. You have continued to do amazing and just sit in the bed until we come and get you in the morning. Every time someone came over you took them to your bed and had them sit down, you clearly were very proud of your new bed. We just recently moved you into your very own "big big boy" bed, a queen. You were not too sure about this move at first and cried initially upon being put in it. I laid with you for a while and you continued to sob into my shirt. Dad finally convinced me the only way to get you to stop was if I left you alone in there... so I walked out and began to cry myself. You, however quit crying almost immediately and went off into an uninterrupted night of sleep. You have loved your new bed ever since and  love sleeping it in. We tried you out on a pallet on the floor in our room this past weekend while Uncle Patrick was in town. I was nervous about how you would react sleeping in our room, something you have NEVER done. You went and laid right down with your special blanket and Meyer and slept through the night until early in the morning when you climbed into bed with me. It was the first time you have ever slept in our bed, you are too fond of you own which is so much like your Mama. I loved getting to hold you as you slept again. But as soon as you could you moved right back to your big bed. 

You are very interested in the world around you and like to explore. The kitchen is a favorite place of yours to be especially when Mom is cooking. You like to help me mix and stir things. Everett you are finally really loving books but you don't like to sit through the whole thing being read to you. You are also enjoying cars, blocks and dinosaurs still. Most days your arms are full of your friends because you never want to leave one behind. Your favorites right now are Buzz, Woody, T-rex, and of course Meyer who you do not go anywhere without.

Everett you enjoy watching movies. Your favorites are Toy Story 1, 2 &3. The Jungle Book, Finding Nemo and Ice Age. Your Dad and I took you on a date to see Finding Dory a few weeks ago. We needed a little time with our firstborn and you needed some one on one time with your parents. It was your first time to see a movie in the theatre and we were not to sure about how you would do. You sat between us in a booster seat and loved the experience! You dug both hands into the bucket of popcorn and oohhed and aahhed at the previews. When the movie came on you sat quietly in fascination and watched the big screen before you. Towards then end of the movie you got tired and moved every few minutes from Dad's lap to the chair but never made much noise. We were so proud of you and had such a fun day with you! After wards we took you to get your first fitted Texas Ranger's hat so that you could match your Dad.

Everett you love to play at the park. We have one a few blocks from the house that we walk to. You quickly graduated yourself from the little kids slide to the big slide and haven't looked back! You love to go down it over and over again. Your Dad taught you how to climb back up the slide and now that is a new favorite thing to do.  You also love to swing and go as high as you can. You are big helper and love to help Mom with the laundry by putting clothes into the dryer for me. Recently  you discovered the joys of sweeping and push the broom around the house when I am finished with it. 

You love to eat snacks but not much of a real meal. Your Dad is concerned you will be a vegetarian which shatters his dreams of smoking out meat with you when you are older. I am assuring him it is just the toddler phase you are going through. Your favorite foods to eat are apple sauce, oatmeal, mandarin oranges and string cheese. You will not touch any food with a sauce on it such as spaghetti or lasagna. You have completely surprised us and eaten broccoli florets and carrot sticks. I am sure this is some freak stage you are going through and won't eat them in a month.

Everett you love to watch out the window for your Dad to come home. As soon as you see his car you run the door leading in from the garage and excitedly wait, sometimes you cant contain your excitement and totally spazz. However the moment you Dad comes in you yell "Daaa" and take of running. You discovered it is funner to have him chase you down for a kiss hello than just stand there and give it to him. You love to wrestle with him and climb on his back. After Nana goes to bed and Haven is down for a nap the three of us play together. You love it when your Dad acts like a gorilla, which is he surprisingly good at, and he chases you as you run to me and we hide under the blanket together until enough time has passed for you go to poke the gorilla again. These sweet moments of your pure joy playing with your parents make us so happy!

You are pretty keen on your Mama. We are the best of buds and It secretly makes me happy at times when you want no one but me. I was recently under the weather, laying in bed and you would come lay next to me and pat me on the arm or head. I can't get enough of your kisses. You have the sweetest puffiest little lips. I love the way your little hand fits in mine. We recently took a road trip to visit your Aunt Carrie 45 min away and every 5 sec. you were saying "Mommy" and then whatever you wanted me to do or look at. Your Dad was sitting right beside me but you continued to call out to me. It was both annoying and precious at the same time!!

Everett words cannot describe how much we adore you! You are the absolute sunshine in our day and we are blessed beyond measure to be your parents!! I am excited to watch as you continued to grow and learn and watch as your personality continues to develop and shine!!

Excerpts from our experience with Mom's Alzheimer's Progression

Yesterday I came home and you asked "who are you?" My heart broke into pieces. I told you I was your daughter, Megan and you said " ohh yea that's right." Today when you came home from daycare you were tearful and a little out of it like you have been lately. Your words were a little slurred. I asked if you knew who I was and you looked me right in the eyes and said " yes, your my moga" It wasn't my name exactly but I knew what you meant and my heart leaped for absolute joy! The rest of the evening was touch and go... You never got flat out angry like you have been. I changed you for bed and after you walked in circles for a bit finally got you to come lay down next to me in bed. We sat for a minute together and then I left to check on the kids. You got up shortly and came out of your room, so I went back and got you settled in bed again and started to leave. You began to cry and called out to me, so we laid for a while together in bed holding hands.  You gently rubbed my hand with your thumb. I could remember laying in bed with you like this countless times before but this meant so much to me because I don't know how many more times we have to do this. I asked if you were "OK?"  you instantly settled down and said "yes, are you?!" Your voice was clear and concerned for me. We were mother and daughter again not mother and caretaker daughter. It broke my heart and made me joyful all at the same time!

The last few nights have been extremely difficult for you and us. Sundowners Syndrome is plaguing you like never ever before. When the clock strikes 5:00 you start to become extremely agitated. Walking quickly from the den to the kitchen making a circle and repeating over and over again. Anything that crosses your path does so at its own risk, furniture and toys are subject to be grabbed and carried on the constant moving journey with you or kicked across the room. When Everett crosses your path you will usually slow and tell him to come to you, he is on his own journey of constant motion and when he doesn't join yours it increases your agitation.  As the evening progresses your agitation grows to outright anger. Not allowing yourself to be calmed by anything, especially me. This chaos continues for sometime and after wearing yourself down some you allow me to feed you dinner or help you to bed. Once in bed you become emotional and look at me with longing lost eyes. I can really see you in these moments and we both mourn the wretchedness that is this disease taking over your body. Your face looks more hollow and saliva drips down the sides of your mouth because swallowing is becoming an issue for you and your mouth hangs slightly open. I kiss your forehead and weep, not quietly. Tonight you looked up at me, took your arms from under the covers and wrapped them around me as you told me "it will all be ok." That's all I needed to completely dissolve into a mess of puddling tears. Somehow when I am at my lowest lost moments you come out from the shadow and tell me what I need. This morning it was " I love you " tonight it was " it will be ok."

We are facing a change. One I never wanted to face but knew somewhere in the back deepest part of my mind we may have to. I have tucked it away... thinking we will be the case of Alzheimer's where it doesn't get to bad. Where you don't have to have professional care full time. Where I can be enough. You have continued to grow more and more agitated when you get home from Jan Werner in the evenings. Everything seems to bother you. You are picking fights with Everett, grabbing at his toys, telling him not to do things. When he tells you No or tries to grab his toys back a tug of war ensues increasing frustration on both sides. You have begun to grab at his arm or shirt. Sometimes you tell him to Shut up. It breaks my heart into a million pieces. You and him have been the very sweetest of playmates. He loves to follow you around when you walk aimlessly around the house. He is still the one that makes you smile in the morning when he walks in and says "HI" to you. All memories of the night before are forgotten between you both. But I remember and I am realizing that our chaotic home full of noisy kiddos and left out toys are maybe not the best environment for you. You need to be somewhere calmer and quieter. It kills me to think about the other options available to you. This is the hardest decision I have ever had to face. I wish so badly you could tell me what to do. 

Haven is 4 months old

Oh sweet precious Haven you are such a sweet baby! I am so excited you are growing but also so sad time is moving by so quickly.

Your little personality has really been shining through lately and it is one of pure contentment. You are a very happy baby now! Usually you only cry if you are hungry or tired. You are constantly smiling especially when looking at your Mom or Dad. You wake up with the gummiest little grin in the mornings and it makes me so happy, it also proves you are much more like your Dad and not a grumpy riser like your Mom.

You are getting so much stronger with each day. Still trying your hardest to stand up on your own but you love to have help and put your feet on the ground.  You are sitting up in your Bumbo like a pro now. You love to look around at the world around you and take it all in. You are very observant and quick to look and find the action in the room.

After I had my gallbladder out a month ago my breastmilk took a big hit, I tried everything I could to produce more for you but after two weeks it was just not keeping you satisfied. I was very sad to switch you to formula but you did not mind one bit. You nursed for just under 4 months. Since being on formula full time you have really started to grow. At your doctor's visit last week you weighed in at 13 lbs 13 ounces and were 24.5 inches long. Both putting you in the 50 percentile for your age. The doctor said you check perfect in every single box but extra perfect in the beauty box because you are such a beautiful girl!

We moved you to your own room about 2 weeks ago. I was sad not to have you so near to me and had a very sleepless night the first night constantly checking on you in the monitor. You did great! We have kept you in your Rock'n'play for the transition, you are not phased at all. We had your uncle and his family come in last weekend and they needed your room to sleep in so you have been bumped back in with us but for only a short time. You are sleeping really well still after a week of 4 am wake ups that had me running on empty. You usually take your last bottle at 10:30 and slept anywhere between 8-9:30. We still put you in a sleep sack during the night and for one long nap during the day. Otherwise you snooze in your swing!

You are really enjoying laying out flat on  your back on the floor. You are discovering toys around you that you can swipe your arm at to make noise. Everett loves to come lay beside you when you do this and often brings his toys to share with you, by share I mean lay them all over you. I came in one morning after changing sheets to find him sharing Meyer, his stuffed bear, with you. He was absolutely delighted to share his most favorite thing with his baby sister. He loves to hold your hand in the car, it melts my heart!

Haven you have really started to find your voice. You can really "talk" now and tell us all about things. You mostly do this in the evenings for now after the rest of the house goes to sleep and it is just you, dad and I. It is the sweetest sound ever! 

Haven you are an absolute delight to us! We treasure every moment with you and your precious smiles. The lord knew just what our family needed when he put you in our lives and I am so thankful he did! We love you sweet sweet girl!

Haven's Birth Story Part 2

(First picture as a family of 4)

When I found out Haven would have to be kept in NICU for a period after birth I was concerned about what it would be like. I knew we would not have the same experience as Everett, being in our room or having access to him 24/7 but I was not prepared for the reality of the NICU. After delivery I was told that as soon as I was able to walk, I could go and see Haven. As soon as I heard this I flopped a leg out of the bed and Drew told the nurse I was ready. Due to my epidural though I couldn't really move my legs and because my delivery went so fast the medicine was still very strong in my body. It was going to be a little bit before I could make it to see her so Drew went down in the meantime to check on our girl.

When my legs finally cooperated, 2 hours later, Drew wheeled me down to NICU to see Haven for the first time. NICU is a totally different world than what I had experienced with Everett in the regular nursery. We were only allowed to bring in two visitors a day aside from Drew and myself. Haven was on a 3 hour feeding schedule so were allowed in to visit beginning 15 minutes before she was to eat at 6, 9, 12, 3, etc. We were only allowed to hold Haven while she was eating but the nurses would let us linger and cradle her for a bit longer at times. Visitors were not allowed to "stimulate" her at all. She was in bay 12 and in that area she was snuggled into an incubator with a rocking chair in front of her. Upon entering NICU we had to scrub our hands and arms up to our elbows and put on a hospital gown. Haven's bay was on the other side of the U shaped unit so we had to go all the way down one hall and up the other before getting to her. Each time we walked through the unit we passed countless children whose conditions were life threatening, long term and way worse than our sweet baby. It was a humbling experience to see these sick babies being cared for in NICU and know that we were the lucky ones.

The first time I saw Haven in NICU I immediately began to cry. She looked so tiny and so alone in her open air incubator. She was strapped in a little cover to help her feel snug while still being exposed for all the cords and monitors she was hooked to. She had a breathing tube in her nose and was still covered in all her after birth as they didn't want to give her a bath yet. I was so nervous at first, I wasn't sure if I could touch her so I began to talk to Haven. I told her how excited I was to see her and how much I loved her! The nurse came in and helped me with the cords so that I could hold her. I wanted to breastfeed her so they allowed me to do that for 10 minutes but wanted to monitor what she was eating so we gave her a bottle of formula after wards. As soon as she was fed and burped the nurse put Haven back in her incubator. We had to leave and come back at her next feeding. The hardest thing to do was having to leave my newborn baby behind with strangers. I went back to my room showered and anxiously awaited for the next 2 hours and 45 minutes to pass until I could see my baby again. We continued this routine twice more that night, me nursing Haven for 10 minutes and Drew giving her a bottle. Each time they told us she would be bathed the next time we came but each time we arrived she hadn't been. I was so frustrated and wanted to give her a bath myself. When we came back for the 6 am feeding I was shocked and horrified to find that Haven had a feeding tube put in. The nurse said that she had spit up her formula and they had to make sure she was eating. I tried to explain that Everett had horrible reflux and Haven would probably have it also, This didn't seem to matter to them. We were told the Haven had to be under observation for 48 hours after delivery to make sure her heart didn't revert to an erratic beating once she was out of the womb. Now we were told that she would also have to be keeping down 3 oz. of formula continuously in addition to the heart rate remaining normal. I was so deflated and felt like I couldn't even be the Mom I needed and wanted to be to my daughter at this time. It felt like someone was constantly looking over our shoulders while we were with Haven and the short time it took to feed her went way to quickly before we had to leave her again.

We were eagerly awaiting the passing of the 48 hour mark to take our baby home. On the second day we had a visit from the NICU doctor who wanted to apologize for his rushing Haven out of the room right after delivery and not initially wanting to let me hold her. He then informed us that the 48 hour mark would be from 12 hours after delivery when the medicine I had been on for her heart would be out of her system and therefore that was when the monitoring would officially begin. It felt like another blow to us. That meant another day in the hospital only getting to see Haven every 3 hours. However during our visits they began to let us change her diaper, take her temperature and dress her. This was so thrilling for us because it meant more time and interaction with our precious girl. I so desperately just wanted to able to hold her for an infinite period of time, if this was the best I could get at this moment I was taking it! Drew and I took turns with the tasks each craving any bit of attention we could give her. Towards the end of her second day in NICU we finally got to give her a bath... this meant actually carrying and walking with Haven. It was wonderful! As the nurse was unhooking Haven from all of the monitors, that sweet little girl's arms flailed around and she pulled out her feeding tube on her own. This was the first time we heard Haven really cry and boy did she scream! It was horrible to witness. We went ahead and took her to take a bath.  She really enjoyed it and I was thrilled to finally get the goop off of her. She looked so beautiful as she was cleaned and put in clothes. The nurse made a bow out of the hospital hat so she looked like the sweet girl she actually was.

Although we had a few visitors to the hospital such as my Mom, Nana, Charlotte, and Doss the only ones that got to actually see Haven were Aunt Tammy, Kelsey and Neeley. Finally Patrick came up to visit and we got him in to see Haven as well as Aunt Cindy who visited before she left town. I was so anxious to show off our beautiful daughter so each time we got someone into the NICU it felt like sneaking someone into a private club! We had nurses we liked and nurses we didn't but were grateful for the care each of them was giving Haven in our absence. With the 48 hour mark being moved back and Haven's heart continuing to beat regularly we were banking on being able to take her home Saturday morning. We were told she would have another echo-cardiogram done but if all was normal she would be released. Per the rules of the NICU all parents must take CPR classes and watch a video before being allowed to leave with their child. The nurse's set us up to do this Friday afternoon in anticipation of our leaving the next morning.  Time in the hospital became increasingly isolating and with Everett staying with Lane and Neeley, Haven in NICU and my doctor ready to release me I was feeling depressed and ready to get back to some sort of normalcy.  Drew had brought Everett up the day before to see me and he was not thrilled about seeing his Mom in such settings. He was not allowed in NICU so he had yet to meet his sister. It was so difficult to not be able to care for either of my kids like I wanted. I had initially decided to "bunk in" on Friday night after being discharged to remain close to Haven since we were planning on her being discharged the next morning. Drew took Everett home to put down in his own bed while Patrick was staying the night and Drew would return in the morning to get him ready to come meet his sister when she was discharged.  I felt like I was just hanging out in the hospital room and not feeling like a patient any longer, So I decided I wanted to go home and we would return in the morning for Haven. We told the nurse's our new plan at 9:36 pm, we were told we were free to go but the main doors closed at 10 so we may want to hurry. Drew packed up the room and loaded our gifts like a bandit and we ran out of the hospital. My favorite nurse Nancy was caring for Haven that night and I called to tell her we had left and I wouldn't be there to feed her until 6 am. She assured me she would take great care of Haven for me and looked forward to seeing us in the morning. It was such a relief to be in our own house and know that at least one of my babies was under the same roof as me and the other was being taken such great care of.

(First time getting to hold and feed Haven)

I woke up like a child on Christmas morning the next day, Saturday, so excited to get to bring my baby home! I called up to talk to Nancy about how Haven had done during the night. She said she did great and everything was acting normal and advised me to wait until Haven's 9 am feeding to return. They shut down the unit from 7-8 for rounds. Patrick took me to the hospital at 8:30 while Drew stayed behind to get Everett dressed and fed. I changed Haven, fed her and was told we would have to wait for the echo cardiogram before she could be released. The technician came in around 10:30 and administered the test to my tiny baby. I overheard the NICU doctor talking about how crappy the test was administered and that it was totally void. I was scared to death they would have to do another one or make us wait another day before bringing Haven home. He came in to visit with me and told me that although the test was "insignificant" he knew Haven's heart was fine and would be fine with letting her go due to that HOWEVER her billy test came back high and they would need to administer a blood test to determine a more accurate score. I was annoyed but OK with the set back, knowing in the back of my mind we would surely still be released. The nurse took blood from Haven's foot and told me it would be a little over an hour before they had the results. I went to the waiting room where Drew and Everett were waiting with the car seat and specially packed diaper bag for taking home our daughter. We waited a little together outside and then Drew went in to be with Haven. When he came back out I took another turn going in to see her. As I was walking in the doctor was standing there and I asked if they had heard anything. He just shook his head in a no movement and told me her blood test score wasn't low enough. The billy score has to be below an 11 and Haven's was a 14. I went to her room and broke down in sobs. Haven would have to remain in the NICU for another 24 hours under a heat lamp. This was an ultimate punch to the gut for us! I was offered the option to room in across the hall from the NICU with Haven being in an crib under a heat lamp, "you can take her out to feed her and change her diaper and that is all" they told me. Absolute torture is what I heard! Put me in a room with my baby and not be able to hold her or comfort her physically sounded devastatingly hard. I went out to tell Drew the news, and he too was devastated and angered! He went in to talk to the nurse himself but came back out with the same outcome. Sitting in the waiting area with Everett I felt myself sinking into a dark hole desperately needing to be the Mom I knew I was to my kids. I initially decided to stay with Haven but once they told me more about it I felt like the best option for me was to be home with Everett while Haven was under the professional care of the nurses. Sensing my meltdown on the phone Aunt Tammy and Kelsey had raced up to the hospital and were there to take me home since I had sent Drew and Everett home already.

Saturday was hard but I knew I made the right choice and Everett needed his Mom with him and Haven needed her Mom to be in a good mental state for her arrival home. We proceeded to go up to the hospital for each feeding, taking turns during the day and together that night. When we walked in at 9 pm, my favorite nurse Nancy was on duty and came up to give me big hug and told me she knew how hard that was on us. I appreciated so much her kind words and compassion because as I looked around at the sick babies in NICU I knew overall it wasn't a big set back but for us it felt huge! I cried in her arms. We cared for Haven the best we could as she lay in only her diaper under a heat lamp and left again with the hopes of returning in the morning to bring her home. Sunday morning I woke up with so much anxiety, not sure if we would get the outcome we wanted or not. The nurses told me that Haven had a knack for taking off her "sun shades" that protected her eyes from the lamp and they had to be replaced 4 times. When I called up to find out if they had taken the blood test, the head nurse told me that her billy result was a 9!! We could bring our baby girl home!!! I cried with relief and we immediately began getting everything together to go get Haven.

At the baby shower Haven had been given the most beautiful dress to wear home from her Gran-Nana. I couldn't wait to put her in it with a bow on her sweet little head. Drew and Everett waited in the waiting room while I went in to feed Haven and wait for discharge instructions. The doctor came in and told me we were good to go and that they were so honored to care for our daughter through the first days of her life. I really developed such a special place in my heart for NICU nurses and their extra devotion to such sick tiny patients. I got Haven dressed and all the nurses' gushed over how precious she looked in her adorable dress. I had envisioned a sweet and profound meeting for Everett and Haven the first time they met. We had gotten him a "gift" from Haven the first time we were in the hospital not knowing if she would come early or not, he later found it hidden in the closet. A nurse had to escort Haven out of the building and insure that we had a car seat to take her home in. So when I walked out of NICU with Haven the nurse had to carry her and we felt rushed not getting to give Everett and Haven the special meeting I wanted. Everett peeked over the car seat to her as we told him this was his new sister. He was curious about what this new baby was but no time to explore because we quickly headed to the car and on our way.

Haven had an Awesome Homecoming! My Nana, Aunt Tammy, Kelsey, Lane, Neeley, & Norah were all at the house with a welcome home banner to greet our sweet girl! Only Aunt Tammy and Neeley had gotten to hold her at that point so we spent the next hour with everyone getting a chance to love on Haven! It was such an amazing day finally getting to be home with our two precious babies! Our world had definitely changed and it couldn't have been better!

3 month old Beauty

Haven Molly is 3 months old and she couldn't be sweeter if she tried!!

This girl remains an absolute snuggler! Lately she has refused to take naps in her Rock'n'play, insisting only on napping in Moms arms. She is a social butterfly and wants to have eyes on someone at all times. If she feels like she is alone in a room she begins to cry until someone walks into her view. She doesn't mind being passed around to admirers but wants to be constantly rocked, patted, or swung! She loves to have her bottom patted. 

The past couple of weeks at church, friends have fought over who gets to hold her during the service. As soon as the praise leader begins I have been approached with someone wanting to take her. She has been a sweetheart and slept throughout the whole service in a strangers arms. The instant someone has taken you, I immediately want you back to have you snuggle in my arms. You continue to get more beautiful every single day, although I am not sure how it is possible! The preacher literally stopped in his tracks last week at church and oggled over your beauty for what seemed like forever! Your hair is remaining a dark auburn color as of now and your eyes are a beautiful blue. With what your dad calls my side of the family's "football" face you are looking more like your Mom but especially your Nana. I couldn't be happier about it! 

You have been a great sleeper at night! Still sleeping on my side of the bed in your Rock'n'play, I am just not quite ready to move you to your own room! You go down about 10:30 and are sleeping until 6 or 7 in the morning. With a few exceptions of waking up at 4 am. 

You are strong enough to sit up in your Bumbo now and really enjoy watching the world around you from it. You hate tummy time and immediately roll over onto your back. You are getting better about riding in the car but still have your moments of fits when we put you in your car seat.

You love to watch whatever crazy thing your brother is doing around you. He is asking to hold you now and you are a willing participant! However he loves to come "roar" at you when you are sleeping and this scares you, which is totally understandable. We are working with him on this. 

Haven we are so very thankful God chose us to be your parents! We can't imagine our lives without you in it. You are absolutely precious and the perfect dose of daily sweetness we needed! I spend a lot of time thinking about your name and you being a place of "safe haven." I feel this more and more everyday as I need a quiet place of refuge from the changing and stressful world around me. I already cherish the mother/ daughter relationship we have and look forward to nurturing it as you grow! 

We absolutely adore you our sweet girl!!