A birthday gift

For many many years I have shared my birthday, when I was younger Patrick and I shared since our birthdays were only 3 days apart. We often had joint parties growing up but each with our own theme to make us feel special. It annoyed me some years but being a mom now I completely see the convenience and cost of having two parties together. As I grew up I got to share my birthday celebration with my Mom. Our’s is 4 days apart and the past 7 years each year we had joint family gatherings I have looked at as an honor. I knew the birthday would one day eventually come when I would have to do it alone again and I was not in the slightest ready for that day. Today is my 32, birthday and I have it all to myself. I would give anything to be attending a joint party for Mom and I. She with her carrot cake and I with my chocolate. 

Ever since Oct. 28th I have been afraid and equally excited to be alone, in the dark at night especially because I just knew you would be appearing to me first chance you got. You would come to me and tell me you were ok, that I would be ok, that I made the right decisions. I became obsessed with the idea of seeing you. Would you appear in my dreams? I once thought I heard you call my name. I was doing dishes, listening to music while the kids took naps and I heard your voice so clear, “Megan.” I stood frozen looking for you but you never appeared. Sometime along the days I have not been consumed with the idea of seeing you. Frightened by what would happen or how I may react I pushed it to the back of my mind. 

Everett has not once looked for you or asked where you were and I have worried he would forget his sweet bond with you. We try to talk about you, things you liked, ice cream you loved, the beautiful moon shining down on us is you. He’s so sensitive and quiet about it. Last night while playing with his kitchen toys he got for Christmas Everett looked up at me and and plain as day said “Mom, Solly Moo is with me.” I was floored and caught off guard for a moment. I asked if you spoke to him and he said “No just standing with me.” I asked if you hugged him and he said “ No, just kisses 3 times.” I wish I had asked what you were wearing knowing he would say white but I couldn’t hold back the tears. I gathered myself and told him to be sure and give you kisses back. To tell you we missed you and love you. He recounted the exact same story to His Dad who walked  in a few minutes later. 

I believe so much you came to him last night. That you are with us and looking out for us even when we don’t know it! I love you always and forever! 

59

I have written a post a thousand times in my head over the past few months but never had the courage to actually sit down and do it. I feel like I have been living in an alternate reality, waiting to wake up and continue our journey together.

My memories are broken into two of you, prediagnosis and post diagnosis.  The memories of both are so dear to me.

Today is your 59th birthday. We would have celebrated with a big breakfast, maybe a movie or some shopping afterwards. Outback for dinner no doubt with dessert! I can't help but think about last year, how we took you to Outback and I was so worried about how you would do. However you did amazing, Patrick sitting by your side helping you eat. We read you birthday cards and you wept upon hearing Nana's. It was such a sweet day! If you were still here with us today, living like you were this past year, the kids and I would have picked you up and gone for a drive in the park having chocolate shakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner! We would have gotten a car wash together, one of yours and the kids favorite things to do. We would have visited Nana. I would have brought you orange/ coral flowers to put in your room. We would have held hands and told each other "I love you" as we drove around listening to Kenny Chesney. It would have been perfect.

But today you are celebrating your earthly birthday in Heaven. Surrounded by your Dad, grandparents, aunts and uncles, probably even my Dad because you were amazing at forgiveness. What we would have done for you today doesn't even compare to the celebration you are having right now.

Today I wore your orange sweater that stretches over my baby bump, we took flowers to your grave. We listened to Kenny in your honor and drove through the park and got a car wash. Haven wore a coral bow in her hair. We will get a chocolate milk shake later. We did the things that made us think of you and smile.

I see pieces of you everyday in Haven's orneriness and red hair, Everett's caring nature, Drew's compassion that he learned from you. When I look in the mirror at myself I get glimpses of you and see what people mean when they say we look just alike.

I miss you every moment of every day! I still feel like I am in a surreal universe waiting for real life to kick back in.

Happy Birthday Mom! We celebrate you today, your beauty, your courage, your legacy! I love you always and forever and ever!!