I drove the hospital as fast as I could and beat the ambulance where I was forced to wait out in the waiting room for her arrival. All I could do was cry because I didn’t know if she would make it to the hospital alive. We were finally able to be in a room with her where saline and antibiotics were pushed quickly and heavily into her system. After several more hours of staring into her wide bright blue eyes, holding her hand and listening to her try and tell me she loved me in response to my I love you’s we had a doctor come in. Mom had always been clear about her wishes for a advance directive and we had signed on when we came on to hospices care. I was told by the doctor Mom’s kidneys had already been severely damaged as well as her muscles and it was only continuing throughout the rest of her body. Due to the seriousness of the infection and the inability to treat septic shock to the fullest with the advance directive the doctor gave me a few options. 1) Mom is released to hospice care and returned home to fight the infection on her own and die in peace. 2) Mom is given a central line and administered meds for her Blood Pressure along with fluids to possibly counteract the infection, however there was a possibility of drowning her lungs or that it just wouldn’t work 3) Admit Mom and see if hospice would come treat her and keep her comfortable in the hospital.
I discussed in length with the Doctor and Patrick and felt the overwhelming urge that there were no guarantees Mom’s quality of life would be better after invasive treatments. And the reality of us facing this situation again in a week or month with another infection was high. I felt strongly that Mom would choose to go back home and finish her fight in peace instead of staying at a hospital with harsh treatments. So I rode back to Mom’s carehome with her in an ambulance knowing our time together was extremely limited.
We arrived home early on Tuesday morning and got Mom settled back comfortably in her bed surrounded by her belongings. She drank a few sips from a straw and ate a chocolate malt. Morphine was started to keep her comfortable and she closed her eyes and continued to rest peacefully. The following days were spent in a bedside vigil as we counted breaths, heart rates and oxygen levels. Family and friends were constantly coming and growing. We were spent in a ground hogs day scenarios where each day was the same as before with few changes from day to day. The cast of characters the same, the setting the same, the purpose the same. Mom somehow managed to display epic strength and prove the doctors wrong as she fought through the infection.
Yesterday on the 9th day she opened her eyes for the first time. She was able to make eye contact with me and Tried to say something but after having her mouth agape for 8 days her mouth and throat were to dry for anything more than a moan. It was a sweet gift! I was sure yesterday would be the day she finally passed through Heaven’s gates but she has fought through another day. Yesterday my brothers, Drew, Taren, Nana and I went and met with a funeral home and picked out a casket. It was surreal and horrible. Knowing what is still coming is unbearable.
As I sit here by her bed, she has just recently opened her eyes again and moaned as she looked into my eyes. She is skin and bones and her beautiful face looks more like a skeletons. Seeing her go through this struggle for a week and a half has broken me, broken my heart. I am angry that through a life of such struggling, such unfairness in this disease process she must continue to fight like this to death. I don’t understand what God is doing. What he is trying to show us. She deserves peace and to rest. She deserves to die with dignity and not in a prolonged horrific state of wasting away. Why God?!! Why?!
