She loves the whales

Navigating the Alzheimer's journey is a daily scramble.

We never know what each day will hold, what mood we will arrive to, or what Mom is willing to do.

In October we went to the hospital for Mom to undergo a Lumbar Puncture at the request of her new neurologist. This is a test that would ultimately confirm/deny that she in fact had Alzheimer's disease and rule out other possible issues such as MS. The week leading up to the test was a disaster. Mom was worried constantly and confused about what was happening. She hears alot of conversation but doesn't clearly understand any of it resulting to what I can only imagine is a jumbled mess of anxiety in her head. She somehow got the idea that she was going to be sent away, not that it was only a day in the hospital to which I would be by her side constantly. I was apprehensive about the test, do we really want to confirm this news? Could there really be any possibility that it isn't Alzheimer's? Other members of the family seemed more hopeful of an outcome, I however remained on my pessimistic side. The results came in a week later conclusive that  Mom had Alzheimer's disease.
Somehow in the sharing of this re-diagnosis Mom's circuits crossed in her mind and she began telling me she was a "real girl" again. It felt like a knife being stabbed into my stomach each time she said it. It took me some time to realize that she thought she was cured. That the initial Alzheimer's diagnosis was incorrect. I couldn't bear her thinking at any point that she was not "Normal" or "Real." She has begun talking about going back to work as a nurse. Driving again. Doing things she sees "Real Girls" doing.

Throughout the journey of living with Alzheimer's I have learned to pick my battles when it comes to Mom. Somethings are better left undisclosed  as to not offset a good mood. The "Real Girl" comment falls into this category for me. Partially because how do I, tell my own mother that she does indeed have an incurable disease. If she is happier believing she doesn't then so be it! Other topics remain off limits to Mom... grown up topics such as finances, health insurance, disease all of which in regards to her send her into a downward spiral of confusion and obsession.

(This picture is of Mom recently enthralled in a Killer Whale documentary at our house. Her greatest dream is to go see the whales and we continue to be determined to make that dream a reality one day)

It is very difficult to not be able to discuss things with my Mom. I always thought she would be there to share in EVERYTHING with me but some things have become too much for her to even be around. Her reactions are often on the far side of excited and no day is ever "Great" it is just "OK" or "Fine." I miss the excitement in her! Everett received a big wagon full of goodies from Drew's brother's family and when I showed  Mom she hardly had enough patience to look at the wagon much less dig through every item with me. She instead remarked about "How Sweet and Awesome" that was but then her attention was gone.

I take comfort in the familiar things around her that bring her happiness. Football games on TV, She remains familiar with the general rules of the game and most recognizable players or coaches. Christmas Songs she sings along to, I find myself wondering how long until she can't remember the words. Her passion for Whales in unyielding. We spent an otherwise upsetting Saturday watching whale documentaries, it was like putting a soothing show in TV to calm my child down and forgetting the initial problem. Mom has found little joy or wanting in Christmas shopping this year. This has been a progression I continue to blame mostly on Gary but the effect of Alzheimer's is very much there. The only gifts she has cared to look for are after a day spent cutting out of ads of toys for Peyton, many of which was the same toy just in several different ads, and her realization of needing something for Nana. Despite all the changes and day by day dealings I continue to be blessed by her presence. Seeing her gives me great comfort and does her smile when it appears. Drew and I spend our time with her trying to bring her the most joy possible and as much laughter as we can. He usually is far more successful than I am. Each day with her is a gift whether I end it in tears or with a smile on my face, it is a gift!