Merry Christmas!

I cannot believe that 2013 is coming to an end and today is in fact Christmas Eve.

This holiday season has been very different from the past for many reasons but it has allotted for much needed time of reflection.

Memories of Christmas' Past.

The hopes of Christmas' Future

And taking time to celebrate and relish the Christmas that is here today.

I look back over the magnitude of changes that have come from 2013 while the promise of change for 2014 kicks me in the side every morning.

Taking a moment to stop and look at the people surrounding me and loving me make this season extra special.

Drew and I have had many talks about our wants for our future Christmas' and holding on to the true meaning of Christmas for our family.

As we look forward with excitement that this time next year we will be celebrating our first Christmas with our son, the sacrifice of Jesus' love is all the greater and more meaningful.

But for now we are relishing in our first Christmas as a married couple and celebrating the gift of one another!

Wishing you a Very Merry Christmas from our family to yours!

30 Weeks

It feels like this pregnancy has flown by and yet dragged on.

Everett is kicking up a storm these days although he tends to get stage fright when someone besides his mom tries to feel his movements.

You are most active in the mornings although sometimes he likes to get really kicked up in the late afternoons.

Your Dad upgraded our car situation after some trouble with our current ride (which was only 5 months old to us). He deemed it unfit for Mom or Everett and showed up at work with a real family car, but thankfully not a van!

Everynight while trying to drift off to sleep we are talk about what life will be like with you in our home. What our days will consist of, our new schedules, our new priorities. I think the dogs are getting nervous. Everynight your Dad talks to you and tells you how much he can't wait for you to be with us. He is so excited to hold you and tickle you and make you laugh.

I have had some nightmares about you being born with a full beard. Please don't do that to me!

I get up between 2:45- 3:30am to go to the bathroom and then can't get back to sleep for a good hour- hour and a half. I am sure this is my body preparing me for the sleepless nights to come in less than 2 months.

So far this pregnancy has been uneventful and the most incredible time of my life! Truly God's finesst miracle at work and I am his vessel!

She loves the whales

Navigating the Alzheimer's journey is a daily scramble.

We never know what each day will hold, what mood we will arrive to, or what Mom is willing to do.

In October we went to the hospital for Mom to undergo a Lumbar Puncture at the request of her new neurologist. This is a test that would ultimately confirm/deny that she in fact had Alzheimer's disease and rule out other possible issues such as MS. The week leading up to the test was a disaster. Mom was worried constantly and confused about what was happening. She hears alot of conversation but doesn't clearly understand any of it resulting to what I can only imagine is a jumbled mess of anxiety in her head. She somehow got the idea that she was going to be sent away, not that it was only a day in the hospital to which I would be by her side constantly. I was apprehensive about the test, do we really want to confirm this news? Could there really be any possibility that it isn't Alzheimer's? Other members of the family seemed more hopeful of an outcome, I however remained on my pessimistic side. The results came in a week later conclusive that  Mom had Alzheimer's disease.
Somehow in the sharing of this re-diagnosis Mom's circuits crossed in her mind and she began telling me she was a "real girl" again. It felt like a knife being stabbed into my stomach each time she said it. It took me some time to realize that she thought she was cured. That the initial Alzheimer's diagnosis was incorrect. I couldn't bear her thinking at any point that she was not "Normal" or "Real." She has begun talking about going back to work as a nurse. Driving again. Doing things she sees "Real Girls" doing.

Throughout the journey of living with Alzheimer's I have learned to pick my battles when it comes to Mom. Somethings are better left undisclosed  as to not offset a good mood. The "Real Girl" comment falls into this category for me. Partially because how do I, tell my own mother that she does indeed have an incurable disease. If she is happier believing she doesn't then so be it! Other topics remain off limits to Mom... grown up topics such as finances, health insurance, disease all of which in regards to her send her into a downward spiral of confusion and obsession.

(This picture is of Mom recently enthralled in a Killer Whale documentary at our house. Her greatest dream is to go see the whales and we continue to be determined to make that dream a reality one day)

It is very difficult to not be able to discuss things with my Mom. I always thought she would be there to share in EVERYTHING with me but some things have become too much for her to even be around. Her reactions are often on the far side of excited and no day is ever "Great" it is just "OK" or "Fine." I miss the excitement in her! Everett received a big wagon full of goodies from Drew's brother's family and when I showed  Mom she hardly had enough patience to look at the wagon much less dig through every item with me. She instead remarked about "How Sweet and Awesome" that was but then her attention was gone.

I take comfort in the familiar things around her that bring her happiness. Football games on TV, She remains familiar with the general rules of the game and most recognizable players or coaches. Christmas Songs she sings along to, I find myself wondering how long until she can't remember the words. Her passion for Whales in unyielding. We spent an otherwise upsetting Saturday watching whale documentaries, it was like putting a soothing show in TV to calm my child down and forgetting the initial problem. Mom has found little joy or wanting in Christmas shopping this year. This has been a progression I continue to blame mostly on Gary but the effect of Alzheimer's is very much there. The only gifts she has cared to look for are after a day spent cutting out of ads of toys for Peyton, many of which was the same toy just in several different ads, and her realization of needing something for Nana. Despite all the changes and day by day dealings I continue to be blessed by her presence. Seeing her gives me great comfort and does her smile when it appears. Drew and I spend our time with her trying to bring her the most joy possible and as much laughter as we can. He usually is far more successful than I am. Each day with her is a gift whether I end it in tears or with a smile on my face, it is a gift!

Wedding Day 4

After pictures it was time to wait. This was the longest, hour or so of my life. I was in room surrounded by my closest friends and loved ones but it just felt silent. I was in my mind wondering what was going on outside. Was everything set up the way I wanted? Was everyone behaving?  What was Drew doing? Was he nervous?

 

I remember trying to comfortably set in a chair in my tight fitted dress and looking over at Nana who was just watching me. We grabbed hands and she said how beautiful I looked and how Happy she was for me and Drew. I fought back tears wanting not to mess up my makeup.

It seemed like the longest and shortest moments of my life sitting and waiting. Slowly people kept getting called out of the room to report to their places for the ceremony. Mom, Nana, Bridesmaids before I knew it Neeley and I were alone yearning to hear what was happening. Going over and over my face and lip gloss to make sure everything was perfect.

I had worked so hard on the pre-ceremony play list... all instrumental but still reflective of the day. Most were by the Vitamin String Quartet to bring in the classic and modern feeling. I wanted to see people's reactions to the beautiful music I had chosen but was stuck tucked away in a far room.

 

Finally the moment came to be taken from the room to our next waiting station. As I approached all the bridesmaids who were lined up waiting to walk down the aisle ahead of me Laura Beth looked at me smiling. She had a funny look on her face and I kept asking if I had something on my face, No No everything is fine. She then asked if I decided to not wear my cathedral veil, OOPS! We had completely forgotten to put it on in before leaving the suite. Neeley kicked off her heals and started running back to the suite to get it. Just in time we got it put in my hair before the girls walked down the aisle.

I was so in love with my veil... it was a cathedral with lace etching on the ends. After I had bought it and was spending some of my anxiety in counting down days walking around the house in it, I realized it was exactly like the veil my mom and aunts had worn for their weddings. Mine looked new and pretty compared to theirs but I loved that somehow that little piece of history was almost repeating itself. The veil was not  a smooth ride though, it barely stayed in my hair for the walk down the aisle and I had to push it back in due to wind during the ceremony. As soon as we walked up the aisle and out of view it fell completely out of my hair... oh well it did the job!

 

Wedding Day 3

 

 

After I was dressed it was time for pictures... we went all over the resort and to an old church next to it as well.

 

We had talked prior to coming out to Santa Fe about doing a "hiding" picture with Drew and I before the ceremony. I was by this time a complete anxious mess and tired after trudging around taking pictures. My bridesmaids and I went to a stairwell near the reception area and I turned by back to the wall as Drew was backed in by his groomsmen. As the photographer was testing his light Drew said "Hi, Megan!" I melted. I hadn't heard his voice all day and knowing we were in the same room together  about to be married was more than I could handle. These pictures are so precious to me because I instantly feel that moment again when I see them.

 

 

Wedding Day 2

 

 

The resort at La Posada comped us our Honeymoon Suite if we booked 8 rooms with them. Well between family and friends we easily met that. On the day of the wedding David our coordinator told me that we would have the Rockefeller Suite for our wedding night. Let me tell you. This.Room.Was.INCREDIBLE! I don't know if I will ever stay in a room that nice again. It was massive, had a pool table, a king size bed, an over sized shower and bathtub, it had a kitchenette and another room with  a queen bed in it. Amazing! My bridesmaids helped me move all my stuff over into the room. I didn't realize that EVERYONE knew that we would be spending the night there and all decided to take their own tours...had I known I probably would have hidden my belongings a bit better.

I had some gift baskets for my bridesmaids I had put together thanking them for being apart of our day. Everyone traveled to be there and it meant the world to me that they did. I had found some awesome canvas bags at saveoncrafts.com and each girl's was filled with an Indian blanket, dream catcher (both from Santa Fe), a candle, a cosmetic bag with lots of goodies in it, a frame and more. I had also written each girl a note telling them how much their friendship meant to me.

Drew gave all his guys hand-carved knives from the Plaza, He didn't wrap them or write to them but I am sure he told each one how much they meant to him. I had gotten each of my brothers a knife also as a thank you and I did write to them as well!

I was very emotional about giving Mom her present. I had found a diamond band that I wanted her to have. Since getting engaged she had remarked often about me and my diamond... I wanted her to have one. I told her that this ring was a promise from Drew and I that she would never be alone and always have a place with us!

 

Finally it was time to put the dress on... those corset lace-ups are no joke! Aunt Tammy and Neeley pulled and cinched and laced me in that sucker. I had killer curves and wasn't going anywhere once I was in it.

I loved my lace jacket that I wore for the ceremony. It was such a beautiful and unique accent to the dress and when I took it off for the reception several people thought I had completely changed dresses. Neeley had to button up each individual button for me several times as I forgot to put on deodorant once...oops!

 

Just as I finished getting my dress on the flowers arrived. I don't think I had ever seen more beautiful flowers in my life! I had emailed and talked with the florist Marisa about what I wanted and she nailed it!! My bouquet was stunning, so were the bridesmaids. She had made babies breath halos for the flower girls' that were to die for! Looking back on pictures I love to see the slight pop of color the flowers bring against the white and black of our clothing.