Missing you.

We are coming up one year since you wrapped your arms around me. 

One year since I saw you outside of a hospital room.

I think back on that weekend and just smile. There are alot of things I would do differently in our relationship together but that weekend was not one of them.

We laughed together, sat together, cooked together, and reminisced together.

That weekend I felt our bond was once again invincible. I knew that whatever happened going forward in our lives you knew how much I loved you and I knew how much you loved me.

You have been on my mind so much lately. I miss you more and more each day your are not here.

I try not to think about you not being here... it hurts to much.

I reread through your last text messages to me and cry. Sometimes I just need to cry over you.

Your messages are a reminder of how much you loved me, trying to shield me from the depth of your illness.

So strong and So brave. I think about what you would say to me on days like yesterday. How you would tell me to be strong and get through it.

I miss you.

Dark Days

My goal for this blog has been simple... to capture memories from the life happening around me with pictures and words. I want to look back on my posts here and remember days, moments, events that have shaped me into the person I am. I don't want to sugarcoat my postings or write about false happenings.



That being said, unfortunately with the current journey I am walking through there are some dark days. Moments of complete distraught, complete helplessness, and moments of total hoplesness. These days are just as important as the good days because they are a testiment of the love our father shines on us because even in the dark days we make it through with him by our sides.

These days most often come from confusion caused by a disease eating away at a young 53 year old woman's brain. Confusion which creates characteristical changes, mood changes, and behavioral changes.

The darkness can cause you to forget years of  happy memories created from a nurturing mother's love. It can cause you to mistake the harsh words spoken through confusion as for ones of reality. It makes the pain unbearable. It makes the sadness feel deathly.

It's these days I loathe this disease. I hate what it is doing to my Mom. In these moments I can't help but ask why? Why is this happening to her, to us?

Sometimes there are just dark days but we get through them. You force a smile on your face and you continue on. You wait for the next day of sun to shine on your face, and eventually your smile doesn't feel so forced.

It smells like Fall is coming

We had the most amazing weather the past few days, low 70's to high 80's... may not sound that great but when you are use to 100 degree weather day after day after day that is pure delight. We have had a few thunderstorms trickling around the area which can just put  you in the greatest mood. Drew said he can "smell fall coming," the other day, I am hoping his nose was right on target because I am ready for sweaters and boots.

This past weekend Mom and I had been gearing up for our dear friends from Alvin, TX to come visit us. However a few days before they were set to come they had a death in their family and were forced to postpone their trip. We were sad we didn't get to see them and were heavy hearted for their loss all weekend.

I had taken Friday off to spend time with them and after hearing they were no longer coming decided to go ahead and keep the day as an off day. My Aunt Tammy had planned a garage sale for that same weekend and I needed a big ole break from work to just go sit at the garage sale with those I love.

A Tammy Schmidt garage sale is not your average garage sale, it is styled, decorated and staged to make every item all the more appealing to the customer. Neeley and I posted up at the checkout table with our coffee and donuts and spent the day people watching and "dickering" over prices with people. There is something addicting about selling your stuff on your front lawn. By day two an already overpacked garage sale was restocked with items from my closet and house and Drew's as well. By the end of two days we were all pleased with the items gone and the money given and the cleaned out spaces.

Saturday night Neeley, Lane, Drew and I decided we needed a low key night to rest on the couch. I had a hankering for some sausage balls, a new favorite recipe from the holiday season last year, and Neeley wanted some jalepeno poppers. So we had the most hodge podge of meals ever, sausage balls, jalepeno poppers, asparagus, parmesean tomatoes, queso, shrimp, crab dip, and kabobs. Neeley thought the meal was most definitey "blog worthy" with a photo however I thought it was a little to embarassing to photograph and decided words were plenty. But sitting in our tiny living room surrounded by food with all of us spread out to enjoy the meal to it's full potential I couldn't help but think how blessed we are. Blessed to have friends who understand our strange cravings, blessed to have boyfriends/fiance's who are happy to indulge our crazy whims, blessed to have a sister who understands the benefit of a good well rounded meal. Blessed to be surrounded by people who you can sit in a room with for hours laughing and chatting over the most meaningless of things, people who know you better than you know yourself, people who support you in every little apsect of your life. Blessed. These are bonds that will only grow as we do and deepen as we journey through the next stages of our lives.

The Walk...

Mom and I have been trying to handle "business" items that involve her name being legally changed back to Lowe. Mom has been very adiment about being Lowe again... the name she shares with her children. So I have been making it a priority to make sure the things she most frequently sees, bank cards, checks, insurance cards, license shows Lowe. Today we went to the DMV to change her name... long story short with the Dr.'s orders that Mom is no longer able to drive, news that was devastating and hard enough to hear and live then, was coupled by the fact that today we were told she must surrender her license and just have a state ID. Needless to say this news was hard to hear, hard to face. To see my mom try to fight back the tears as she realizes one more piece of her identity is being taken from her. I wanted to punch the innocent woman in the face who had to be the one to tell us she couldn't have a license... plead with her that she won't drive please just let her keep her license, you don't understand what this means to her! But punch her I didn't, we gathered ourselves, exited the building and sobbed in the car.

My mom cried of how useless she felt, how worthless she feels. How she wishes she would just go home to Jesus...

The lord is not ready for my mom yet. She has far to many people to touch, people's lives to impact, to shine her light. Her work here is not done yet. Her road is just bumpy but we know who is beside her as she walks through this. And as I told the DMV worker's we believe in a God who can work miracles and believe if it is his will we will get her license back one day!

Today I have started an Alzheimer's Walk team in Amarillo for September 8th. Something I had been putting off doing for lack of wanting to commit to fundraising. But today I knew I had to do something to inspire my mom, show her she is not alone, show her we are fighitng against this disease.

So today I ask  you to please visit our "Miles for Molly" team page and donate anything you can to our fight. Donate in the name of Molly, in honor of her spirit and life that is being robbed by this disease. Donate for a cure. Donate to save lives. Donate because we believe in an almighty God who is more powerful than Alzheimer's.

http://act.alz.org/site/TR/Walk/TX-WestTexas?px=6133090&pg=personal&fr_id=1451

Thank you!

He likes Pedicures

We worked out butts off this weekend at Starlight and by Sunday were ready for some relaxation. Drew and I had lunch with Mom and Nana Sunday and then he decided it was time for a little pampering. He would kill me if he knew I was telling you all that HE wanted to go get pedicures on Sunday but he doesn't know how to find this little blog so he will never know.

One thing I love about him is his contentment in the man he is and is fully capable of enjoying a pedicure for himself and not thinking of how "girly" it is. I can remember going to get pedicures with my Grandy who absolutely loved for his feet to be pampered. Drew originally balked at the idea of ever getting a pedi but after meeting up with Mom and I one Saturday and succombing to the lure of the hot tub for your feet he has been a big fan! I am not one to just go drop money on a pedi unless with my Mom or other family so when he suggested it yesterday I jumped at the opportunity. I couldn't help but laugh when the girl asked him if he wanted a mani with his pedi and his response was "no thank you just a pedi today."

(This was taken at our recent Date night to Cracker Barrel, Drew had never eaten there until he met our family!)

I am so blessed by his easy going demeanor, his willingness to come into new situations without complaints, and his love for my family. He makes me smile! It was a great way to spend Sunday after a busy weekend.

I was completely honored to spend my Sunday evening shooting Neeley's bridal portraits. We spent a couple of hours around town trying to capture her beauty in a stunning dress. Kelsey was in tow to carry props and Aunt Tammy was there to fluff the dress. It was a fun night and a reminder that her wedding date is quickly approaching!

Busy.

This has been one busy week. I have been wrapped up in several photo sessions only to continue well into the weekend... so I have very little for you today except to share an engagement session I did a little while back... go here to see them.

Have a wonderul weekend everyone!

91

Today would be Grandy's 91st Birthday.

We would have had breakfast at Cracker Barrel.

We would have all scrambled to find some meaningful gift knowing full well he would have just wanted to spend time with his family.

Nana would have cooked an amazing dinner in his honor, or we would have taken him to Perini's for a steak.

He would have smiled and nodded his head and waved his finger as we sang Happy Birthday to him.

He would have teared up reading his birthday cards because he appreciated the words.

On his birthday he would have no doubt made each of us surrounding him feel amazingly special.

Today he would have been 91. It feels strange that it has now been a year and a half since his passing. Strange to continue through this life without him. But on this day as on so many others we think of Grandy and celebrate his legacy, his love, and the family he and Nana created!

Happy Birthday Grandy!

Never Forget!

She is overjoyed!

As mentioned yesterday I waited until I got to my mom in person to give her the news of her divorce... I walked in to a living room full. My Nana, Mom, Aunt Cindy, Aunt Charlotte, and Doris sat scattered around. I gave my welcoming hugs and kisses to all and took a set on the couch next to my mom. She was more interested in the news on the television at the moment than anything I had to say... except when I just casually mentioned I got a news today... she immediately went into full alert mode turning her whole body to me. I told her it is finally over, Gary signed the papers and so did the court.

I had imagined her having a powerful reaction hence the reason for me waiting to tell her in person. To the average person awaitng the finality of a divorce is not such a magnficent thing. To my Mom, this was the end of being linked to a man who embodied everything she was not. This was the last link to a man who kicked her out when the sickness part of the vows came to play. A man who put himself before everyone else. A man who read a cookbook at church. To my Mom this divorce meant freedom. It meant not checking the mail everyday for news I told her would come via email to me. It meant returning her last name to that she shares with her children. It meant that through the horrible stages of her disease she can rest assured she will be cared for by her family. This divorce was a blessing!

Upon hearing the news she has waiting a year and five days for my Mom hit her knees on the floor and wept. She wept and wept. We gathered and said a prayer of rejoicefulness to the Lord for answering our prayers. She got on Facetime with Ryan to give him the news, telling him she is "officially done with.. now I'm a Lowe again" She called Patrick and delivered a similar message and although her words were not what I would have chosen to quickly and accurately inform the boys of what she was telling them her message was loud and clear...She could move on with life now as Molly Lowe!

News to share, pictures not included

I am completely over this 100 degree temperature and ready to be putting my boots on and throwing some scarves over tshirts and sweaters to take in the Fall weather.... it cannot come soon enough!

Neeley and I saw the most ridiculously amazing pair of Steve Madden Army Boots with ikat stiching inside that we each put on layaway at TJMAXX in hopes of Fall coming all the more quickly.

We have been busy with the arrival of several family members the past week. The Nashville Blanton clan came down and spent some time visiting with Nana and Mom and yesterday Aunt Cindy came into town. I love the distraction out of towner's bring with them and all the wonderful meals Nana cooks for them.

Last Friday was Lane's Birthday. He had just come home from spending a week working in Nebraska so the four of us went out  for a quick Tex-Mex dinner before he had to finish his last homework for the summer semester.

This week I am beyond busy with photo sessions every other night. I am incredibly blessed to be able to use my passion as a way of earning some extra cash and am looking forward to a couple of unique sessions this week, including shooting Neeley's bridals! Being able to hide behind the lens will be a wonderful distraction to keep me from bawling my eyes out when I see her in her full wedding attire! No doubt those photos will be stunning and not because of me!

The best news of all to share is that Mom's divorce is FINALLY OVER! Any of  you who read this today will know before she does because I am selfishly waiting until after work to tell her in person. After the million emails back and forth, days of feeling completely overwhelmed and out of control, days of crying because I hate that she has had to fight this battle are now all finally behind us! We will just now have the issue of him holding up his end of the bargain, a very little end it is but the official end has arrived! I am so beyond excited to tell her the news in person and see her emotions! The lord has heard cries of desperation and has saved us!