Eyes Open

Bouncing back from my day yesterday and looking forward to what I hope to be a relaxed weekend full of garage sale shopping, playing outside, and spending time with those I love.

Yesterday as I was driving back from dropping Drew off at work ( I am so blessed to have him continuously willing to drive me around and sacrafice lunches with his friends everyday for lunches with me.) the new Taylor Swift song from the Hunger Games (still would like to see that!)

Here are the lyrics:

Everybody's waiting Everybody's watching Even when you're sleeping Keep your eye, eyes open The tricky thing is Yesterday we were just children Playing soldiers, just pretending Dreaming dreams with happy endings In backyards, Winning battles with the wooden swords But now we've stepped into a cruel world Where everybody stands in, Keep score Keep your eyes open Everybody's waiting For you to breakdown Everybody's watching To see the fallout Even when you're sleeping, sleeping Keep your eye, eyes open Keep your eye, eyes open Keep your eye, eyes open So here you are, Two steps ahead and staying on guard, Every lesson forms a new scar They never thought you'd make it this far But turn around And they've surrounded you It's a showdown And nobody comes to save you now But you got something they don't Yeah, you got something they don't You just gotta keep your eyes open Everybody's waiting For you to breakdown Everybody's watching To see the fallout Even when you're sleeping, sleeping Keep your eye, eyes open Keep your eye, eyes open Keep your eye, eyes Keep your feet ready Heartbeat steady Keep your eyes open Keep your aim locked The night grows dark Keep your eyes open Keep your eye, eyes open Keep your eye, eyes open Keep your eye, eyes open Keep your eye, eyes open Everybody's waiting For you to breakdown Everybody's watching To see the fallout Even when you're sleeping, sleeping Keep your eye, eyes open Keep your eyes open Keep your eye, eyes open Keep your eyes open Keep your eye, eyes open

I loved it instantly! I am not a huge Tay Swift fan but the girl has some catchy tunes. Sometimes I just feel attacked and as though the world is just waiting for me to fail... especially in handling my Mom's business affairs. Sometimes it feels as if I have been thrown into the deep-end without a life jacket one... and let me tell  you I am NOT a great swimmer. I can hold my head up and survive for a little bit but I am quickly getting weary. It seems just when I feel something is a solid ledge to stand on it is washed away. A divorce that was supposed to take 90 days is now going on 8 months. I am trying to get Mom involved in things during the day and just when I have something set up she isn't in the mood for it. The hardest part is seeing what she is dealing with and knowing that as difficult as it is for me it is 1000x more difficult for her. I hate it! I would love to whisk her off to Ireland for a trip or to the ocean somewhere for her to watch the whales migrating. Instead we are here fighting the battle against time everyday and wishing and praying for something to change.

Anywhoo....

Let me tell you about the greatest thing a girl could ever want, it is not a diamond (although those are always nice :) ) it is not new clothes, nor is it chocolate. Nope the greatest thing ever is your very own personal hair stylist! One who lives with you and will cut, color, and curl  your hair for you at 10:00pm from the comfort of your very own bathroom. Yes, Neeley is AMAZING at doing hair. I mean talk about a God-given gift! She has impeccable direction for each person's hair style and color. She even does my brows! I am loving loving her choice of profession and the benefits I get from it! I seriously could not be proud of her! So two nights ago she colored my hair, I was wanting to go a little bit lighter to embrace the warm weather coming.

This was my inspiration and what it looks like on me...

 Loving me some Red on Emma Stone

Not the best lighting for it  but Neeley NAILED the color!

My Love and I last night at Doss' birthday party

HAPPY WEEKEND ALL!

A weekend of bliss

Today I am needing a HUGE break from all the drama that life is throwing at me right now, so I am going to reflect back on a really Spectacular weekend!

Saturday was wonderful. I spent Friday night with Mom so aside from running one or two errands to the grocery store for Nana I spent the day watching 20/20 episodes on TLC. Nothing to chill you out more than a good murder mystery. Saturday night I went to church with the Fam and had Shrimp Queso with everyone minus Drew afterwards. He was busy finishing up schoolwork he had procrastinated on all week.

Sunday Drew and I went to the hospital to see his sister. She was speaking for the first time that I had heard and aside from some infections was doing pretty good. She was still pretty "drugged" with morphine so her reactions and thinking were not really normal.

After the hospital Drew and I spent a much needed day together, We ate at On the Border having margaritas on the patio. We then went to the Amarillo Zoo. and let me tell you, people have been saying that the Zoo has gotten better than what it used to be and for that I must just take their word. I have been extremely spoiled growing up because Abilene has an AMAZING Zoo for a community that size. Any Zoo that doesn't have elephants is an instant disappointment to me but we had fun together... and that is what counts!

Not quite like seeing a Lioness on an African Safari but fun nontheless.

Drew was staring down the Python, and of course like a child would he knocked on the glass to awaken it

And I do believe ONLY a Texan zoo (maybe one in Mexico too) would have a donkey

It was a very hot day so we decided it was the perfect day to get our first Snocone of the season. I don't think I had had one since College. It was the best snack for a hot spring day. 

Sunday night we had a great cookout with our friends Bailey and Colton and Neeley and Lane (they are family not friends but whatever) and then went and played HORSE and 4 Square in the park like a bunch of middle schoolers. Simple fun is the best! 

Life Adventures of Early-Onset Alzheimers

(To have been posted last Wednesday, so that tells you how nuts my life is right now. Happy Reading!)

Yesterday was our first Early Onset Dementia support group we had one set up for 10 am and 6 pm... no one came :( But I have been told that it takes time to get these things started. Still I tried not to be too disappointed. We are hosting the meeting at a local assisted living facility who has an AMAZING director who has fallen madly in love with my mom. I have been trying to get Mom to volunteer up there some days during the week but she has been a little nervous about it. Last night as we waited for no one to show up Mom started chatting up some of the elderlly ladies. I love watching her interact with the elderly or special needs children. She has so much compassion for them and her nurse side definitely comes out. I could have watched her chat with them all night... however after 15 minutes or so she was ready to go. She said "These people aren't playing the same game, they aren't here for our meeting."

Mom's sense of humor is still very much alive and well. Maybe not quite in the same manner it was prior to being diagnosed but she still makes me laugh constantly when I am around her. Some of the words she chooses are so out of the blue that you can't help but laugh with her about her confusion. Yesterday Nana and Mom picked me up for lunch since I STILL don't have my car. Nana ordered ahead of Mom and I but they both ordered the same sandwich. While Nana was in the ladies room I went and picked up her salad and set it at her place. Before I could hardly turn around Mom had moved that salad to in front of her and was loading it up with dressing and taking a bite. I am talking Not 2 SECONDS People. She will probably be unhappy that I posted about this story but I laughed SO VERY Hard about it!

Friday night I went and spent the night with her and Nana again.. Drew had a lot to do on Saturday and I didn't want to be stuck at home without a car. So I get over there about 9:30 and they are sitting in the den watching March Madness... and I cant remember now what brought it up I am certain it had nothing to do with what she was trying to say but mom starts telling us about "this place we go eat and this man who has been in our lives forever" and "he makes good fried chicken" and then he has corn and "you walk right up and he gives us food" Nana and I are looking at each other completely baffled. I am naming off Perini's or Babes Chicken trying to think who in the world "this man" is that has known us forever and gives us fried chicken. Finally Nana says do you mean KFC and Mom says "YES!! That man on their sign that is the one in charge of the chicken!!" By the time we finally figured it out none of us could remember what started it all in the first place. Sometimes it is just fun to play a little guessing game!

Life's Tough... Get a Helmet

Last night as Drew and I were trying to free our minds from stresses we have both been under by doing a little workout gear shopping, for him, and craft supply shopping, for me. It was promising to be a lovely evening just the two of us... a long time coming. While I was running in Hobby Lobby Drew got a call from his Dad that his paternal grandmother had passed away.

We knew this was coming because she had been sick and in the hospital for awhile but it was still very hard to realize. He handled himself very well. I didn't... after watching him quietly poke at his food through dinner I lost it. Tears started rolling down my cheeks as I thought about how heavy his heart is right now. I was fortunate to meet his grandmother once last year, she was a funny lady. She was Drew's last biological grandparent. He has a step- grandmother who he loves here in Amarillo.

My mind went back to a year and a half ago to our first date, when I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about this guy who sent me flowers a week before actually meeting me. I thought about all the loss and pain we have both been forced to deal with over our time together. The loss of my Grandy,  my Dad, the diagnosis of my Mom, her divorce, his sister, grandmother, and several other things.

I looked at him last night and was so thankful to have him in my life, as my rock and protector. He has been amazing for me and helped me grow to be a strong woman myself because I know I have him standing behind me. As I wiped away tears claiming my allergies were getting to me he told me that I told him to be strong so I have to be strong so that he can be.

I hate all the circumstances that we have been forced through since being together, but I am so thankful for where our relationship stands because of it.

Looking to hope through a hard day

Yesterday was a very hard day. It was hard to watch Drew deal with so much sadness as he dealt with the realization of what his sister is going through.

It hurt me to see him struggling with so much grief. I have seen him cry only a handful of times since we have been dating, upon learning of my dad's passing, after a prayer said about my mom, the only time we have ever "questioned" our realationship, and once when I was lost dealing with the pain and grief in my own life. To see him continually break down yesterday when he had a moment to think about his sister was gut-wrenching.

I have tried to be strong for him, to keep him focused on the hope we have in the Lord. I have tried to keep his mother calm and focused on her duties as a grandmother to a 10 year old granddaughter who doesn't quite know when she will be able to hug her own mom again. I have tried to shield the 10 year old from people's talk about her mom's physical severity, tried to indulge her with ice cream and coloring books all the while remembering the grief and loss I still feel about my own parents.

Thanking God that we have hope in Jesus Christ and his promise of life through him.

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Lots of prayers being sent up today...

I learned yesterday that my dear sweet best friends Whitney and Jeremy were in an auto accident in Zambia a few days ago. They had a passenger with them who was seriously injured although the two of them are battling only light bruising and soreness. I am praying praying for their well being and that of their friend Mr. Jikata.

Early this morning Drew called with news that his sister was in an accident as well. She rolled her car on the way back to her home in Fritch. I just came from the hospital where she just came out of a "successful" surgery, successful meaning she is alive. Her right arm, which she uses for writing, was amputated and her left arm is still in serious condition. She has some bleeding in the brain which they are watching closely. She was ejected from her vehicle and landed on a barbed wire fence which has resulted in a cut from one side of her spinal cord all the way around her body the the other side. Just thanking the Lord it was not a complete tear through the spine. Deamber will be needing several more surgeries in the weeks to come and lots of time healing and rehabilitating with only one arm. She will be in ICU for awhile to help limit the amount of infection that enters her body. These next days will be critical.  Drew was with her hours before the accident and is carrying alot of guilt on himself. Please keel Deamber, her daughter and son, as well as Drew all in your prayers.

Flower Theft

This weekend proved to be very uneventful which in light of last week was a blessing. We were very excited to welcome Aunt Cindy to Amarillo on Saturday. It is her first time to come up and see where Mom and Nana live so they were proud to show off their digs to her. I was grateful to have her here this morning as she graciously woke up at 5:30 to take me and mom to work out... being out of your car totally sucks! And just for the record I did not ask her to spend her vacation waking up that early, I was completely prepared to take the week off from working out until I got my car back. Alas she and Mom picked me up bright and early this morning and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

On Friday I went over to Mom and Nana's while Drew put in his first hours at Starlight for this season. Mom and I were walking back from taking out the trash and she made a B line for the backyard that is a couple houses down from theirs. I stood and watched as she walked over and pondered some yellow daffodils that had bloomed in the seemingly abandonded yard. She looked at me I instantly knew she was wanting to get this flowers for herself. I told her she probably shouldn't do that because we don't know if anyone lives there or not. So we walked back down the alley in silence. I walked into the house and sat on the couch, she however went straight for her mom to which I hear this conversations...

Mom: "Mom, there are some flowers down in that abandoned yard and Megan won't let me have them. Can I get them please?"
Nana: "Well honey if the yard is abandoned I don't see why not."

Thanks Nana for having my back on this one. Mom walked through the living room straight out the backdoor with a look of "yeah you just try and stop me on this one sista!"

I couldn't help but laugh. She was determined to get her flowers.

I stood back in the alley and watched as she shoveled up these flowers out of the neighbor's yard trying to come up with a story to tell the people we were going to come out of their house screaming at the lady stealing their flowers but noone ever showed and my Mom escaped with her flowers.

We replanted them in their backyard for her to enjoy for a couple of days until our next freeze comes. Her smile made it all worthwhile though!

Sometimes You just need your Mom

Last night was part 2 of landlord saga.

I was very upset and couldn't be comforted by homemade spaghetti or wine. I think I hurt Drew's feelings a little bit because he wasn't what I needed either.

I simply needed my Mom. Needed to feel safe close to her.

So at 9:45 Drew took me to Mom and Nana's house where for the first time in days I felt ok. I had the best night's sleep and got to start my day with breakfast with them... nothing better!

I was wrong.

There was a short period of lets say 2-3 weeks when things were on track, life seemed good, no big problems just smooth sailing. And I arrogantly and stupidly thought it was me.

Guess what, that smooth coasting has SMASHED into a giant brick wall.

Last night I got so sick with anxiety and stress from to situations exploding around me.

My landlords are up to their old antics trying to bully Neeley and I around again as we were waiting patiently on a house we had found to become available we found out they have way outpriced it so it's not even an option anymore...

I was sitting in a meeting for the cancer society ball discussing what I had been "authorized" to do for entertainment when a gripey old woman started running her mouth off at me...

My car has gone into the shop today so I am hitching rides all over town trying to save for my deductible whilst trying to prepare my equipment for next month's wedding and find a place to move...

I was so sick with tummy aches last night I couldn't even sleep. I am still feeling incredibly nauseas.

I then read my Jesus Calling..." LET ME HELP YOU THROUGH THIS DAY. THE CHALLENGES YOU FACE ARE FAR TO GREAT FOR YOU TO HANDLE ON YOUR OWN... CONSIDER IT ALL JOY WHEN YOU ARE ENVELOPED IN VARIOUS TRIALS, THESE ARE GIFTS FROM ME, REMINDING ME TO RELY ON ME ALONE."

Ok God. I get it. I CANT do this without you. Please guide us on your path.

Letter

A man came in my office that reminded me of you today.

He had a big booming voice that resembled yours.

He talked of his battle with cancer and his optimism sounded like you speaking. I closed my eyes for a minute and imagined it was you paying me a visit.

My heart melted. I miss you so much.

Do you know that? Do you know that this life just isn't any fun without you in it?

I want so badly to run to you for guidance.

I was thinking through my desire to act in an irrational worldy manner about a problem I am having and then I wondered what you would say to me.

You would probably tell me to "be Jesus" in this situation. To act wisely. You wouldn't let me make quick decisions the way others could.

You always expected more of me... I knew that. I tried and am still trying to make you proud.

Are you proud of me? What do you think of the way things are going right now?

I wish you could give me a hug today.

I was remembering yesterday how you wanted me to flush Cooper down the toilet when I first got him, It made me laugh all over again. You were always so protective.

I wonder what your reaction was when you saw my Dad come to the Heavinly Realms. If you could cry did you? Were you proud?

I wonder how you spend your days in heaven? Do you check in on me?

I love you!

Never Forget

Proud Daughter

Yesterday is an incredible day.

My mom was invited to speak at an Alzheimer's Education conference here in Amarillo. Just a short little talk about whatever she wanted to say about the disease.

She had written some thoughts of her own down on paper the week before and I simply connected the thoughts and typed them out for her to read.

She got up in front of an lecture hall full of people and spoke candidly about her disease. She spoke on her feelings in dealing with the changes and how it has effected her.

Needless to say she recieved a standing O from the audience. The doctor's who spoke before and after didn't even recieve that.

She stumbled through some words but it was a very real dipection of her daily struggles and her motivation to carry on.

The news came by to film part of the conference itself. I was asked to do a little interview on being a "caregiver" and once the reporter heard me talk of my mom she asked if they could come interview her at home. I told Mom what they wanted to do and she quickly replied..."well I am hungry." So after a celebratory lunch at Olive Garden she was interviewed by the news.

I am so very proud of her courage to tell her story. To really share what it is like for someone to live with Alzheimer's.

She motivated the entire audience and her family watching. The director of the Alz Association called me this morning to tell me that attendees had raved about my Mom on the evaluation forms they filled out. She was absolutely their favorite part of the entire day and she only spoke for about 5 minutes.

Here is a copy of her notes that she spoke from yesterday...

My name is Molly, I am 53 years old. I was a nurse for 29 years and have 3 children and 2 grandchildren. Last year on my birthday I was diagnosed with Early-Onset Alzheimer's disease.

When I First heard the news, my first thought was that my life was over at the age of 52.  I thought this news was going to kill me. I have learned that with the love and support of my family and friends that I Can live with this disease.

Before I was diagnosed I was the director of a surgical center, now I can't work and other people manage my money for me. I even have to have help writing and recognizing letters in the alphabet. I am unable to drive own my car. I Can no longer work my computer, iPad and cell phone without lots of help. I can't do my own laundry and need help remembering to take my medicines.

Some days are more difficult than others, some days I don't want to get out of bed. The changes that come with this disease often seem too difficult to bear. Everything I have known about myself and my world around me keeps changing because of this disease. There are decisions I have made for myself all my life that I cannot make any longer and when someone else makes them for me I feel like a child.

Other days are much better. Being around my family helps me see hope in the future. They give me a reason to carry on and adapt to the new world around me. I couldn't do what I do without the love and support of my family and friends!

I plead with you to continue to love and encourage your loved ones fighting Alzheimer's. This is not an easy road to walk down and we rely heavily on our caregivers.

Although there is still no  cure for dementia, If the disease is caught early enough there are medicines to take that can help to delay the progression. Exercising  is very important to keeping the brain active, my daughter picks me up at 5:30 every morning for an hour long workout to keep my brain functioning. I am taking everything I can that is receiving good results in medical studies to delay progression such as a spoonful of coconut oil. Since there is not a cure and we don't even know what causes Alzheimer's we have to do all that we can to give ourselves a fighting chance.

I have so much left in this life to live for! I want to see my daughter and youngest son marry. I want to live to hear more grandchildren call  me Nana.  I want to travel and explore the world.

We are starting a local support group for people with Early-Onset Alzheimer's and dementia for those of us living with this disease. Please contact Tracy at the Alzheimer's Association.

We need to come together stronger than ever to FIGHT this disease and find a cure!!
She is a remarkable woman!

What a great way to kick off the weekend!