Celebrating Independence Day

July 4th was so weird this year since it was on a Tuesday. Amarillo changed it's July 4th fireworks show to Saturday July 1st and moved it from close to our house to downtown. So we celebrated America's Independence Day from July 1st - July 4th with lots of fun things and first for the kids to do!

Saturday Drew was still recovering from a knee scope two days before so the kids and I headed downtown to the Amarillo Community Market and Food Truck alley to see what all the city had planned for the days celebrations. We met Mimi, Aunt Kelsey, Aunt Neeley, Uncle Lane, Norah, Merritt and Emma all downtown in the heat and sunshine to find some fun. The kids snacked on fun foods and danced to a band's rehearsal for the evenings events while we sat and watched with our deep fried corn dogs. That night with Drew in tow we ate burgers and went over to Aunt Tammy's for dessert while the kids played in the yard.

Monday we took the kids over to Lake Meredith in Drew's old stomping grounds of Fritch, TX to go on the boat with Aunt Carrie and BJ. This was the first time Everett and Haven had ever been on a boat or to the lake. Had it been a year ago I don't think Everett would have been as excited but he has since turned into quite the little water boy and was so excited! Haven has been a water lover from the very beginning and we could hardly keep her contained to the boat when necessary to keep her from going into the water alone. Neither of the kids can swim at this point and I was a constant mess worrying about them being in the water but thankfully we all had a blast and enjoyed our time. Everett quickly discovered that he could jump off the back of the boat into his Dad's arms and this provided him with endless amounts of fun for the day. We blew up an inter tube and let him sit on it while we were anchored in the water and he really liked it but much preferred to be in the water. I did however get him to ride the tube with me as we were slowly pulled behind the boat and he was not a big fan of this yet. I am sure one day he will be an awesome tuber like his Mom and Aunt Nene. We spent some time on a sandy beach and cooked hot dogs and during this time Haven loved to run as fast as she could into the waves. She puts her head down, arms back and runs as fast as she can like she is trying to fly and it is hilarious on most occasions but scared me to death as she ran head first into the water. I was on constant guard keeping her safe from falling face first in the water. We finished the night with an amazing fireworks show over the lake!

For the actual 4th of July we slept in, Haven and I went to get my Mom and visit Gran-Nana before we went over to Aunt Tammy's for a burger cookout. Everett and Haven were both wearing their red white and blue as we ate and played in the backyard lighting sparklers, and popping confetti- crackers. They kids devoured red white and blue cupcakes and cookies as we sat around watching them and listening to the neighbor's loud Rod Stewart playing from across the fence. It was a great peaceful and fun way to end what felt like a week long celebration of the 4th of July!

A Loss

A few weeks ago I called Drew at work and asked him to bring me home some pregnancy tests. Everett and Haven were napping and I ran into the bathroom to find out if we were expecting our third child or not. Within 30 seconds that second line turned blue and I knew it was true. Drew was anxiously timing the test in the other room as I walked out crying he wondered what was going on. I told him he could go ahead and check it because it would show him we were pregnant again. We both cried with Joy! We were so excited to be adding another child to our two perfect babies we already had!

We went to the doctor for our first OB appointment at our 8 week mark. It was so redundant at first having been through this twice already we felt like old pros walking in the office. We confidently handled our first meeting with the nurse and got our goody bag of goodies for expectant parents. I went down had lab work done before we went to our scheduled first sonogram. We got called back to have our sonogram and as we were watching on the screen as the tech was looking around my uterus I could instantly tell this pregnancy was different. The black hole which normally holds the fetus looked empty to me. I asked if it was and the tech said she needed to zoom in. She told us the fetus was measuring 6 weeks and was very small. As she kept looking I could tell this was not going to be good news. She could not locate a yolk sac which is what was supposed to be giving the fetus nutrients. I asked if she could find a heartbeat and she said No but it may be too early. As we wrapped up the sonogram feeling deflated and uncertain the tech stepped out to give our doctor upstairs a call. Drew and I looked sadly at one another in stunned silence. The tech came back in and told me the doctor wanted to meet with us and then asked if we wanted the pictures. I had never been asked that before so it was another clear sign that this pregnancy was not going to be viable. We declined the pictures and followed the tech in silence as she led us up the back way to our doctors office. I felt like we were the people they shield the happy pregnant people from. As we sat across from our doctor explaining to us that this pregnancy was not going to be fruitful in delivering that third baby to our family I tried my hardest not to cry. She explained to us how common this was and how it shouldn't hinder our hopes of having another child later. She reassured me it was nothing I did or didn't do but nature's way of making sure we get a healthy baby.  I looked at my husband, who was so excited for this new life just moments ago, as he tried to comprehend what we were being told. Reality was slapping us in the face. We left the office clinging our hands tightly together letting it sink in. As we drove to pick up Everett and Haven from Nana's house it dawned on us that Everett was excitedly expecting to have a new what he was sure would be is a sister. It obviously was a mistake to tell him so soon and the other family members we did but we had never had trouble before and weren't expecting to this time. I didn't think I would cry. I knew how common this was and told Drew a week ago that my Mom had experienced a miscarriage and I wouldn't be surprised if I did too at some point. However thinking I may have one and actually walking the road is incredibly different.

My heart is broken for this little life that will not come to be. Devastated for the hope this baby held for our family and the joy gone with it. I do believe in a God that has a plan and a purpose for our family. I know he will bless us and our journey to have more children in the future but for now we are sad. It feels ridiculous and silly to mourn so heavily a fetus that was so small but there has been a real hole in our hearts already left by this little one. I have been had an unexpected sadness and loss in my soul.

Sweet Everett hasn't said another word about the baby... somehow he knows. After a D&C and some time processing the loss we are ready to look forward to the future and the hopefully healthy babies that await to be added to our family.

Walking Girl

The day of Haven's birthday party we got home and were sitting around the living room watching as she and Everett played with her new toys. All of a sudden Haven took of walking on her own, about 7 steps. By the time Drew and I scrambled to get our camera's ready and tried to get her to do it again she was not having any of it. For the next month Haven would walk steps here and there but still mostly resorting to crawling. After a few weeks Haven would get bolder taking more steps for longer periods of time and with this we finally called her a full fledged walker. Haven is adventurous and is not scared of walking anywhere. She loves to chase after her brother now that she is on two feet instead of crawling after him on the floor. She loves to push anything she can around the house from furniture to toys that will let her stand and push. She still likes to crawl when she is tired but our girl is a walker now! There is no stopping her!!

In addition to her walking Haven is also waving hello to everyone. Pretending to talk on the phone by holding her hand to the very back of her head like she thinks she sees people doing. She is blowing kisses. Throwing her paci out of her bed when she is over it. Crawling up on chairs and acting like the big girl she thinks she is. Haven has learned how to throw a major tantrum when she wants something, full on arched back, slinging herself to the floor throwing her head back while screaming at the loudest magnitude. It is quite something to see on such a precious little girl. She has a yell that we aren't sure if it's her trying to mimmick the dinosaur sound Everett makes or just full on over it scream but it is loud! We moved haven into a front forward seat hoping she would quiet the scream some when she was able to look around at the cars passing and watch a movie in the car... it hasn't completely worked but it is sure nice to get to see that sweet girls pretty smile in the rear view mirror. With each day that passes Haven shows more independence and that she is growing up more but she is still just the sweetest littlest girl and will always be our baby! 

Mother's Day 2017

This Mother's Day was so incredibly special to me for many reasons! The first was that my sweet Everett ran into our room where I was still laying in bed and kissed me and told me "Happy Mother's Day Mommy!" It was the absolute sweetest moment and just a precious reminder to me what the day meant and how lucky I was to be included in the club of motherhood. My sweet precious children mean the world to me and raising them is the greatest pleasure of my life! There are days that are long and exhausting but never without a moment of blessings for being a Mom. It is a hard job and I took so much for granted of how hard my own mom worked to raise three children on her own. There are questions and advice I so long to ask her.

My Precious husband brought me breakfast in bed and handled the children while I took a little time to rest and relax before getting up. I do love to take my time in the mornings and not jump out of bed, something that doesn't coincide with motherhood well. We had planned that instead of going to church this morning we would gather our crew pick up Mom and head out to do something fun with her to capitalize on her best time of day. Because she can't eat a regular meal any longer I decided that our activity should not revolve around a meal as it usually would. Activities are so limited for Mom these days but she absolutely loves to get out in the sunshine. Drew and I loaded up Everett and Haven, picked up Mom and went to the park for a little time out in the sun and breeze. Mom has been alert, and talking if she doesn't get her medicine first thing in the morning so we held off her meds and got to spend some wonderful quality time with her. She laughed at the kids, reached out to Drew and gave me kisses. We fed the ducks, walked the trail and watched the kids play in the water. I kept asking her if she was doing ok and she would reply "ohhh yeah!" She loved every second of being outside and we did too! I couldn't have asked for a better way to spend this Mother's Day! I oculdn't help but think back to a Mother's Day a few years ago when Patrick and I gifted Mom a bicycle and she took off riding down the block with the glee of a schoolgirl on it. I long for those days again to get to be with her in that spirit but on days like this mother's day when I get glimpses and small moments of it my heart becomes so full! Seeing her interaction and reaction to my babies means the world to me and I cling to every single second.

After spending the afternoon cuddling with Everett on the couch we went to Aunt Tammy's for a special Mother's Day dinner surrounded by Nana, Aunt Cindy, Doss, Charlotte, and Kelsey. We had a wonderful dinner just being together and as Everett and Haven made their way from person to person I was so grateful for the legacy of strong mothers in my family that my children have to look up to and the examples I have to follow!

Thankful for every moment

Our "two week" timeline given to us after Mom's incident has come and gone. When I was given the initial prognosis from those who seemed to be knowledgeable and have first hand experience I spent every second walking around feeling like there was a hole in me. I felt nauseated every moment of every day. I felt like there was a huge blockage in my own throat and I couldn't seem to find my breaths or swallow. I spent several days in this state just imagining the world without her and crying all the time.  Jumping every single time the phone rang thinking this was the news I was dreading. Haven would wake up at night and I would just hold her for hours weeping into her sweet little head. As days went by and Mom seemed to recover somewhat  and I let myself relax, breathe. I remembered what an unusual case my Mom is. Diagnosed with EOA at 52, living with it for 6 years. Medicine never works the way it typically does with Alzheimer's patients because of her age. So I thought that the people who "know" best don't know her. They don't know how strong she is, what a fighter she is. I let myself believe that we would have more time with her.

It has been over a month and a half now since Mom's incident in the hospital. She has good days and bad days.  Some days she can walk, some days she can't. Some day's she can swallow with a straw some days she can't.  Her talking is slurred but she still gets her point across. It is hard to get time to with her to just sit and be. Mostly the kids and I pick her up in the mornings and we go for drives. Drive around the park looking at Dogs playing and bunnies running. We drive around neighborhoods,  we get car washes, some days we go to Nana's and sit. Every day I am grateful for each moment we have together. However big or small it is, it is time together we will never get back. I cherish it. I cherish that my two kids are along for the ride with me. That they get these moments with their Nana too!

Easter 2017

We had a fun weekend celebrating Easter this year on two separate days! Two egg hunts, two big lunches, and two days full of family fun! Last year was Everett's first year to really participate in an Egg hunt and he really enjoyed it. This year I was so excited for him to really get to understand it more and enjoy opening the fun surprises in the eggs. Haven has been teetering on walking and even though she wouldn't be able to carry her basket I thought she would still be able to have fun getting some eggs.

 Saturday we spent the day having lunch and an Egg hunt with Grandma White, Mimi Susie, Carrie, BJ, Blaine, Kennedy and Brady.  For her birthday Susie had gotten Haven a little ruffled outfit with a bunny on it so of course that is what she wore over to their house on Saturday. Drew and I laughted that she looked like the cutest little Easter Advertisement, especially when we topped it off with a headband of bunny ears. Everett and Haven got some fun little Easter baskets from Mimi Susie that they loved. Everett's was filled with cars and trucks which is his most favorite thing right now. He was so excited about the egg hunt and couldn't wait to go outside for the hunt. With the help of his Dad he cleaned up nicely and got to open eggs full of candy, toys, and coins which he stuck in his front pocket and would hold down every time he would run. We had such a fun afternoon spending time with family!

Sunday morning Everett and Haven woke up to baskets filled with awesome goodies from the Easter Bunny that they loved getting to open. Everett of course dug into this and then promptly dug into Haven's for her! We dressed them up in their cutest Easter best and went off to church. Lunch was at Nana's house where she cooked a feast of roast, potatoes, green beans, squash casserole and salad all served on her wedding china. Aunt Cindy and Uncle Matt were in town visiting Nana so they  joined us along with Doss and Aunt Charlotte. Doss had prepared baskets for the kids to open also and lots of extra eggs to hunt. After lunch Drew hid all the eggs we brought for Everett to hunt and he had the funnest time getting to gather all the eggs up all to himself. Haven gathered up a few eggs on her own but mostly just practiced her walking in the grass skills with Aunt Cindy. All in all another wonderful day spent celebrating the rising of our Savior with family!

A brief moment

The past few days have been so very difficult. It is has been devastating enough along this Alzheimer's process to face each new milestone of digression and realize that one day I won't have my beautiful Mom here on this planet. Knowing that the time may be coming sooner than we realized has been a blow I can hardly manage. If I had not been such a procrastinator I would have already posted about how well she had been doing in the new home during her first two weeks there.

We noticed a change in Mom within days of being at Virginia's care home. The combativeness that made it impossible for Heartis to provide proper care was a thing of the past. Mom was mellow, she was happy! I felt for the first time since summer I had my Mom back. She would go for peaceful drives with the kids and I as we ran errands and took Kelsey to work. I would stop to grab a kids meal for the three of them and they would all eat blissfully while I drove. She sang along to the radio. I would bring the kids into the home and she watched them as they wrestled on the floor before her. She stroked my hair and rubbed my back as she laughed at her grandchildren playing. When Everett would get to rough or try and take of Haven's socks she would tell him "No No!" I felt like for the first time in months and months she really saw Haven and acknowledged her. She picked her up and held her! I had been hoping for a moment such as this since Haven's birth!

As all things tend to do with this disease the good things pass and more bad comes.