Excerpts from our experience with Mom's Alzheimer's Progression

Yesterday I came home and you asked "who are you?" My heart broke into pieces. I told you I was your daughter, Megan and you said " ohh yea that's right." Today when you came home from daycare you were tearful and a little out of it like you have been lately. Your words were a little slurred. I asked if you knew who I was and you looked me right in the eyes and said " yes, your my moga" It wasn't my name exactly but I knew what you meant and my heart leaped for absolute joy! The rest of the evening was touch and go... You never got flat out angry like you have been. I changed you for bed and after you walked in circles for a bit finally got you to come lay down next to me in bed. We sat for a minute together and then I left to check on the kids. You got up shortly and came out of your room, so I went back and got you settled in bed again and started to leave. You began to cry and called out to me, so we laid for a while together in bed holding hands.  You gently rubbed my hand with your thumb. I could remember laying in bed with you like this countless times before but this meant so much to me because I don't know how many more times we have to do this. I asked if you were "OK?"  you instantly settled down and said "yes, are you?!" Your voice was clear and concerned for me. We were mother and daughter again not mother and caretaker daughter. It broke my heart and made me joyful all at the same time!

The last few nights have been extremely difficult for you and us. Sundowners Syndrome is plaguing you like never ever before. When the clock strikes 5:00 you start to become extremely agitated. Walking quickly from the den to the kitchen making a circle and repeating over and over again. Anything that crosses your path does so at its own risk, furniture and toys are subject to be grabbed and carried on the constant moving journey with you or kicked across the room. When Everett crosses your path you will usually slow and tell him to come to you, he is on his own journey of constant motion and when he doesn't join yours it increases your agitation.  As the evening progresses your agitation grows to outright anger. Not allowing yourself to be calmed by anything, especially me. This chaos continues for sometime and after wearing yourself down some you allow me to feed you dinner or help you to bed. Once in bed you become emotional and look at me with longing lost eyes. I can really see you in these moments and we both mourn the wretchedness that is this disease taking over your body. Your face looks more hollow and saliva drips down the sides of your mouth because swallowing is becoming an issue for you and your mouth hangs slightly open. I kiss your forehead and weep, not quietly. Tonight you looked up at me, took your arms from under the covers and wrapped them around me as you told me "it will all be ok." That's all I needed to completely dissolve into a mess of puddling tears. Somehow when I am at my lowest lost moments you come out from the shadow and tell me what I need. This morning it was " I love you " tonight it was " it will be ok."

We are facing a change. One I never wanted to face but knew somewhere in the back deepest part of my mind we may have to. I have tucked it away... thinking we will be the case of Alzheimer's where it doesn't get to bad. Where you don't have to have professional care full time. Where I can be enough. You have continued to grow more and more agitated when you get home from Jan Werner in the evenings. Everything seems to bother you. You are picking fights with Everett, grabbing at his toys, telling him not to do things. When he tells you No or tries to grab his toys back a tug of war ensues increasing frustration on both sides. You have begun to grab at his arm or shirt. Sometimes you tell him to Shut up. It breaks my heart into a million pieces. You and him have been the very sweetest of playmates. He loves to follow you around when you walk aimlessly around the house. He is still the one that makes you smile in the morning when he walks in and says "HI" to you. All memories of the night before are forgotten between you both. But I remember and I am realizing that our chaotic home full of noisy kiddos and left out toys are maybe not the best environment for you. You need to be somewhere calmer and quieter. It kills me to think about the other options available to you. This is the hardest decision I have ever had to face. I wish so badly you could tell me what to do. 

Haven is 4 months old

Oh sweet precious Haven you are such a sweet baby! I am so excited you are growing but also so sad time is moving by so quickly.

Your little personality has really been shining through lately and it is one of pure contentment. You are a very happy baby now! Usually you only cry if you are hungry or tired. You are constantly smiling especially when looking at your Mom or Dad. You wake up with the gummiest little grin in the mornings and it makes me so happy, it also proves you are much more like your Dad and not a grumpy riser like your Mom.

You are getting so much stronger with each day. Still trying your hardest to stand up on your own but you love to have help and put your feet on the ground.  You are sitting up in your Bumbo like a pro now. You love to look around at the world around you and take it all in. You are very observant and quick to look and find the action in the room.

After I had my gallbladder out a month ago my breastmilk took a big hit, I tried everything I could to produce more for you but after two weeks it was just not keeping you satisfied. I was very sad to switch you to formula but you did not mind one bit. You nursed for just under 4 months. Since being on formula full time you have really started to grow. At your doctor's visit last week you weighed in at 13 lbs 13 ounces and were 24.5 inches long. Both putting you in the 50 percentile for your age. The doctor said you check perfect in every single box but extra perfect in the beauty box because you are such a beautiful girl!

We moved you to your own room about 2 weeks ago. I was sad not to have you so near to me and had a very sleepless night the first night constantly checking on you in the monitor. You did great! We have kept you in your Rock'n'play for the transition, you are not phased at all. We had your uncle and his family come in last weekend and they needed your room to sleep in so you have been bumped back in with us but for only a short time. You are sleeping really well still after a week of 4 am wake ups that had me running on empty. You usually take your last bottle at 10:30 and slept anywhere between 8-9:30. We still put you in a sleep sack during the night and for one long nap during the day. Otherwise you snooze in your swing!

You are really enjoying laying out flat on  your back on the floor. You are discovering toys around you that you can swipe your arm at to make noise. Everett loves to come lay beside you when you do this and often brings his toys to share with you, by share I mean lay them all over you. I came in one morning after changing sheets to find him sharing Meyer, his stuffed bear, with you. He was absolutely delighted to share his most favorite thing with his baby sister. He loves to hold your hand in the car, it melts my heart!

Haven you have really started to find your voice. You can really "talk" now and tell us all about things. You mostly do this in the evenings for now after the rest of the house goes to sleep and it is just you, dad and I. It is the sweetest sound ever! 

Haven you are an absolute delight to us! We treasure every moment with you and your precious smiles. The lord knew just what our family needed when he put you in our lives and I am so thankful he did! We love you sweet sweet girl!

Haven's Birth Story Part 2

(First picture as a family of 4)

When I found out Haven would have to be kept in NICU for a period after birth I was concerned about what it would be like. I knew we would not have the same experience as Everett, being in our room or having access to him 24/7 but I was not prepared for the reality of the NICU. After delivery I was told that as soon as I was able to walk, I could go and see Haven. As soon as I heard this I flopped a leg out of the bed and Drew told the nurse I was ready. Due to my epidural though I couldn't really move my legs and because my delivery went so fast the medicine was still very strong in my body. It was going to be a little bit before I could make it to see her so Drew went down in the meantime to check on our girl.

When my legs finally cooperated, 2 hours later, Drew wheeled me down to NICU to see Haven for the first time. NICU is a totally different world than what I had experienced with Everett in the regular nursery. We were only allowed to bring in two visitors a day aside from Drew and myself. Haven was on a 3 hour feeding schedule so were allowed in to visit beginning 15 minutes before she was to eat at 6, 9, 12, 3, etc. We were only allowed to hold Haven while she was eating but the nurses would let us linger and cradle her for a bit longer at times. Visitors were not allowed to "stimulate" her at all. She was in bay 12 and in that area she was snuggled into an incubator with a rocking chair in front of her. Upon entering NICU we had to scrub our hands and arms up to our elbows and put on a hospital gown. Haven's bay was on the other side of the U shaped unit so we had to go all the way down one hall and up the other before getting to her. Each time we walked through the unit we passed countless children whose conditions were life threatening, long term and way worse than our sweet baby. It was a humbling experience to see these sick babies being cared for in NICU and know that we were the lucky ones.

The first time I saw Haven in NICU I immediately began to cry. She looked so tiny and so alone in her open air incubator. She was strapped in a little cover to help her feel snug while still being exposed for all the cords and monitors she was hooked to. She had a breathing tube in her nose and was still covered in all her after birth as they didn't want to give her a bath yet. I was so nervous at first, I wasn't sure if I could touch her so I began to talk to Haven. I told her how excited I was to see her and how much I loved her! The nurse came in and helped me with the cords so that I could hold her. I wanted to breastfeed her so they allowed me to do that for 10 minutes but wanted to monitor what she was eating so we gave her a bottle of formula after wards. As soon as she was fed and burped the nurse put Haven back in her incubator. We had to leave and come back at her next feeding. The hardest thing to do was having to leave my newborn baby behind with strangers. I went back to my room showered and anxiously awaited for the next 2 hours and 45 minutes to pass until I could see my baby again. We continued this routine twice more that night, me nursing Haven for 10 minutes and Drew giving her a bottle. Each time they told us she would be bathed the next time we came but each time we arrived she hadn't been. I was so frustrated and wanted to give her a bath myself. When we came back for the 6 am feeding I was shocked and horrified to find that Haven had a feeding tube put in. The nurse said that she had spit up her formula and they had to make sure she was eating. I tried to explain that Everett had horrible reflux and Haven would probably have it also, This didn't seem to matter to them. We were told the Haven had to be under observation for 48 hours after delivery to make sure her heart didn't revert to an erratic beating once she was out of the womb. Now we were told that she would also have to be keeping down 3 oz. of formula continuously in addition to the heart rate remaining normal. I was so deflated and felt like I couldn't even be the Mom I needed and wanted to be to my daughter at this time. It felt like someone was constantly looking over our shoulders while we were with Haven and the short time it took to feed her went way to quickly before we had to leave her again.

We were eagerly awaiting the passing of the 48 hour mark to take our baby home. On the second day we had a visit from the NICU doctor who wanted to apologize for his rushing Haven out of the room right after delivery and not initially wanting to let me hold her. He then informed us that the 48 hour mark would be from 12 hours after delivery when the medicine I had been on for her heart would be out of her system and therefore that was when the monitoring would officially begin. It felt like another blow to us. That meant another day in the hospital only getting to see Haven every 3 hours. However during our visits they began to let us change her diaper, take her temperature and dress her. This was so thrilling for us because it meant more time and interaction with our precious girl. I so desperately just wanted to able to hold her for an infinite period of time, if this was the best I could get at this moment I was taking it! Drew and I took turns with the tasks each craving any bit of attention we could give her. Towards the end of her second day in NICU we finally got to give her a bath... this meant actually carrying and walking with Haven. It was wonderful! As the nurse was unhooking Haven from all of the monitors, that sweet little girl's arms flailed around and she pulled out her feeding tube on her own. This was the first time we heard Haven really cry and boy did she scream! It was horrible to witness. We went ahead and took her to take a bath.  She really enjoyed it and I was thrilled to finally get the goop off of her. She looked so beautiful as she was cleaned and put in clothes. The nurse made a bow out of the hospital hat so she looked like the sweet girl she actually was.

Although we had a few visitors to the hospital such as my Mom, Nana, Charlotte, and Doss the only ones that got to actually see Haven were Aunt Tammy, Kelsey and Neeley. Finally Patrick came up to visit and we got him in to see Haven as well as Aunt Cindy who visited before she left town. I was so anxious to show off our beautiful daughter so each time we got someone into the NICU it felt like sneaking someone into a private club! We had nurses we liked and nurses we didn't but were grateful for the care each of them was giving Haven in our absence. With the 48 hour mark being moved back and Haven's heart continuing to beat regularly we were banking on being able to take her home Saturday morning. We were told she would have another echo-cardiogram done but if all was normal she would be released. Per the rules of the NICU all parents must take CPR classes and watch a video before being allowed to leave with their child. The nurse's set us up to do this Friday afternoon in anticipation of our leaving the next morning.  Time in the hospital became increasingly isolating and with Everett staying with Lane and Neeley, Haven in NICU and my doctor ready to release me I was feeling depressed and ready to get back to some sort of normalcy.  Drew had brought Everett up the day before to see me and he was not thrilled about seeing his Mom in such settings. He was not allowed in NICU so he had yet to meet his sister. It was so difficult to not be able to care for either of my kids like I wanted. I had initially decided to "bunk in" on Friday night after being discharged to remain close to Haven since we were planning on her being discharged the next morning. Drew took Everett home to put down in his own bed while Patrick was staying the night and Drew would return in the morning to get him ready to come meet his sister when she was discharged.  I felt like I was just hanging out in the hospital room and not feeling like a patient any longer, So I decided I wanted to go home and we would return in the morning for Haven. We told the nurse's our new plan at 9:36 pm, we were told we were free to go but the main doors closed at 10 so we may want to hurry. Drew packed up the room and loaded our gifts like a bandit and we ran out of the hospital. My favorite nurse Nancy was caring for Haven that night and I called to tell her we had left and I wouldn't be there to feed her until 6 am. She assured me she would take great care of Haven for me and looked forward to seeing us in the morning. It was such a relief to be in our own house and know that at least one of my babies was under the same roof as me and the other was being taken such great care of.

(First time getting to hold and feed Haven)

I woke up like a child on Christmas morning the next day, Saturday, so excited to get to bring my baby home! I called up to talk to Nancy about how Haven had done during the night. She said she did great and everything was acting normal and advised me to wait until Haven's 9 am feeding to return. They shut down the unit from 7-8 for rounds. Patrick took me to the hospital at 8:30 while Drew stayed behind to get Everett dressed and fed. I changed Haven, fed her and was told we would have to wait for the echo cardiogram before she could be released. The technician came in around 10:30 and administered the test to my tiny baby. I overheard the NICU doctor talking about how crappy the test was administered and that it was totally void. I was scared to death they would have to do another one or make us wait another day before bringing Haven home. He came in to visit with me and told me that although the test was "insignificant" he knew Haven's heart was fine and would be fine with letting her go due to that HOWEVER her billy test came back high and they would need to administer a blood test to determine a more accurate score. I was annoyed but OK with the set back, knowing in the back of my mind we would surely still be released. The nurse took blood from Haven's foot and told me it would be a little over an hour before they had the results. I went to the waiting room where Drew and Everett were waiting with the car seat and specially packed diaper bag for taking home our daughter. We waited a little together outside and then Drew went in to be with Haven. When he came back out I took another turn going in to see her. As I was walking in the doctor was standing there and I asked if they had heard anything. He just shook his head in a no movement and told me her blood test score wasn't low enough. The billy score has to be below an 11 and Haven's was a 14. I went to her room and broke down in sobs. Haven would have to remain in the NICU for another 24 hours under a heat lamp. This was an ultimate punch to the gut for us! I was offered the option to room in across the hall from the NICU with Haven being in an crib under a heat lamp, "you can take her out to feed her and change her diaper and that is all" they told me. Absolute torture is what I heard! Put me in a room with my baby and not be able to hold her or comfort her physically sounded devastatingly hard. I went out to tell Drew the news, and he too was devastated and angered! He went in to talk to the nurse himself but came back out with the same outcome. Sitting in the waiting area with Everett I felt myself sinking into a dark hole desperately needing to be the Mom I knew I was to my kids. I initially decided to stay with Haven but once they told me more about it I felt like the best option for me was to be home with Everett while Haven was under the professional care of the nurses. Sensing my meltdown on the phone Aunt Tammy and Kelsey had raced up to the hospital and were there to take me home since I had sent Drew and Everett home already.

Saturday was hard but I knew I made the right choice and Everett needed his Mom with him and Haven needed her Mom to be in a good mental state for her arrival home. We proceeded to go up to the hospital for each feeding, taking turns during the day and together that night. When we walked in at 9 pm, my favorite nurse Nancy was on duty and came up to give me big hug and told me she knew how hard that was on us. I appreciated so much her kind words and compassion because as I looked around at the sick babies in NICU I knew overall it wasn't a big set back but for us it felt huge! I cried in her arms. We cared for Haven the best we could as she lay in only her diaper under a heat lamp and left again with the hopes of returning in the morning to bring her home. Sunday morning I woke up with so much anxiety, not sure if we would get the outcome we wanted or not. The nurses told me that Haven had a knack for taking off her "sun shades" that protected her eyes from the lamp and they had to be replaced 4 times. When I called up to find out if they had taken the blood test, the head nurse told me that her billy result was a 9!! We could bring our baby girl home!!! I cried with relief and we immediately began getting everything together to go get Haven.

At the baby shower Haven had been given the most beautiful dress to wear home from her Gran-Nana. I couldn't wait to put her in it with a bow on her sweet little head. Drew and Everett waited in the waiting room while I went in to feed Haven and wait for discharge instructions. The doctor came in and told me we were good to go and that they were so honored to care for our daughter through the first days of her life. I really developed such a special place in my heart for NICU nurses and their extra devotion to such sick tiny patients. I got Haven dressed and all the nurses' gushed over how precious she looked in her adorable dress. I had envisioned a sweet and profound meeting for Everett and Haven the first time they met. We had gotten him a "gift" from Haven the first time we were in the hospital not knowing if she would come early or not, he later found it hidden in the closet. A nurse had to escort Haven out of the building and insure that we had a car seat to take her home in. So when I walked out of NICU with Haven the nurse had to carry her and we felt rushed not getting to give Everett and Haven the special meeting I wanted. Everett peeked over the car seat to her as we told him this was his new sister. He was curious about what this new baby was but no time to explore because we quickly headed to the car and on our way.

Haven had an Awesome Homecoming! My Nana, Aunt Tammy, Kelsey, Lane, Neeley, & Norah were all at the house with a welcome home banner to greet our sweet girl! Only Aunt Tammy and Neeley had gotten to hold her at that point so we spent the next hour with everyone getting a chance to love on Haven! It was such an amazing day finally getting to be home with our two precious babies! Our world had definitely changed and it couldn't have been better!

3 month old Beauty

Haven Molly is 3 months old and she couldn't be sweeter if she tried!!

This girl remains an absolute snuggler! Lately she has refused to take naps in her Rock'n'play, insisting only on napping in Moms arms. She is a social butterfly and wants to have eyes on someone at all times. If she feels like she is alone in a room she begins to cry until someone walks into her view. She doesn't mind being passed around to admirers but wants to be constantly rocked, patted, or swung! She loves to have her bottom patted. 

The past couple of weeks at church, friends have fought over who gets to hold her during the service. As soon as the praise leader begins I have been approached with someone wanting to take her. She has been a sweetheart and slept throughout the whole service in a strangers arms. The instant someone has taken you, I immediately want you back to have you snuggle in my arms. You continue to get more beautiful every single day, although I am not sure how it is possible! The preacher literally stopped in his tracks last week at church and oggled over your beauty for what seemed like forever! Your hair is remaining a dark auburn color as of now and your eyes are a beautiful blue. With what your dad calls my side of the family's "football" face you are looking more like your Mom but especially your Nana. I couldn't be happier about it! 

You have been a great sleeper at night! Still sleeping on my side of the bed in your Rock'n'play, I am just not quite ready to move you to your own room! You go down about 10:30 and are sleeping until 6 or 7 in the morning. With a few exceptions of waking up at 4 am. 

You are strong enough to sit up in your Bumbo now and really enjoy watching the world around you from it. You hate tummy time and immediately roll over onto your back. You are getting better about riding in the car but still have your moments of fits when we put you in your car seat.

You love to watch whatever crazy thing your brother is doing around you. He is asking to hold you now and you are a willing participant! However he loves to come "roar" at you when you are sleeping and this scares you, which is totally understandable. We are working with him on this. 

Haven we are so very thankful God chose us to be your parents! We can't imagine our lives without you in it. You are absolutely precious and the perfect dose of daily sweetness we needed! I spend a lot of time thinking about your name and you being a place of "safe haven." I feel this more and more everyday as I need a quiet place of refuge from the changing and stressful world around me. I already cherish the mother/ daughter relationship we have and look forward to nurturing it as you grow! 

We absolutely adore you our sweet girl!!

2 Month Old Girl

Haven's two months has come and gone. It is true what they say, time does go by much faster with the second baby! I can only imagine the third going at warp speed. Our precious baby girl is just that... Precious!! She is an absolute doll. I still find my self looking down at her shocked that I have two kids but even more so that I have a daughter. I find myself reflecting so much more on my relationship with my own Mom and hoping for a similar one with Haven in the future.

Haven is continuing to grow. She now weighs 9 lbs. 14.5 oz and is 22.5 inches long. We are officially out of newborn clothes and into 3 months outfits. It was a bittersweet day when we made the transition. I was excited about all the new options available for dressing my real life doll baby but sad that we were once again saying goodbye to the petite newborn outfits that we first dressed our new daughter in.

Haven is still exclusively breastfeeding every 4 hours. She does not miss a meal often or let that 4 hour mark go by except for at night. Amazingly she has been consistently sleeping until 5-6 am after new night time nursing at 11.  The past few nights she has woken up at the 3:00 hour and I realized just how spoiled I had gotten to her sleeping through the nights already!

Haven is an incredibly alert baby. She is holding her head up on her own for long periods of time and trying to "stand" up. She is pushing her feet off of everything trying to get leverage to move herself. She loves to be sitting up looking around at things happening. What is Usually in her eyesight is her silly brother playing ferociously with his toys. She does not like for me to get too far out of her sight though and will instantly let me know with cries if I am. Haven likes to constantly be moving which has been a challenge at times for me to get things done around the house. She continues to hate her car seat, screaming crying whenever it is not moving like when we are at a stop light. I find myself driving around with one arm reaching behind me trying to help her hold her paci in her mouth for some relief. It sometimes doesn't work and she continues to cry until she is picked up and held. Haven also continues to suffer from tummy issues with gas trouble and constipation leaving her feeling uncomfortable at times.

Haven is very much a snuggler liking to be held tight and close to whomever. She loves to be pressed against my chest and would like for me to never put her down. She is gracing us with the most beautiful smiles lately. Haven loves to be talked to close to her face and at these times her little mouth creeps into the sweetest smile, often accompanied by her tongue sticking out. She thinks her Dad is absolutely the best and will light up when she sees him! Drew has gotten Haven hooked on Chris Stapleton's Tennessee Whiskey song and it always calms her down, even if just for a minute. Everett is continually getting used to his sister. He is her biggest protector. At her first cries he will run and find me and drag me by the hand back to her. However if the cries go on for too long and he can't get away, like in the car, he will cover his ears. If that doesn't work he has been resorting to screaming too. I think we will stay out of the car for awhile, for my sanity at least! If Everett sees one of Haven's paci's he will bring it to me and vehemently talk at me until I give it to her. He likes to come sit in the room while I am dressing or changing her and will always grab the nearest blanket, bib, or toy that he thinks will make her happy. He is a proud and precious big brother to you Haven. I can't wait to watch yall's relationship grow!

I cannot believe it has been 2 months already with our girl. How in the world did we ever live without you?! We are all completely smitten with you. You keep us on our toes and remind us daily you are a different child than your brother. We wouldn't want it any other way!

Haven's Birth story Part 1

At my 34 week check up with Haven my obgyn discovered some irregularities with her heartbeat. She was tachycardia with her heart beating way above what they consider to be normal. After a hospital stay, that I previously blogged about, Haven and I were sent home with her heart rate in normal rhythm and we were to be closely monitored. This involved sonograms on Monday afternoon's and obgyn appointments on Wednesdays for the following two weeks. At my second Monday sonogram with the pediatric cardiologist he told me that he wanted me to be induced at 37 weeks. The doctors were confident that at 37 weeks Haven would be developed enough that it would be safe to deliver her and I would be able to get off the heart medication before it effected my body in any way. I had just gotten used to the idea of carrying Haven to term, after our scare in the hospital, that I was a little shocked we would be welcoming our girl into this world 3 weeks early.

After being released from the hospital I had quickly completed Haven's nursery but we hadn't had our baby shower yet so there were still things we were needing. Thankfully the date we picked for our shower landed on the Saturday before my 37th week. At my next obgyn appointment my Dr told me that she would be out of town on spring break with her kids for my induction but that the doctor who saw me in the hospital, Dr. Chastain, would be happy to perform my delivery. I was upset for a brief moment at the thought of a man delivering my baby after searching for female obgyn's for each of my pregnancies. I came to terms with the fact that nothing had quite gone the way it was supposed to lately with Haven's pregnancy and what was most important was to get her here healthy! They set the induction for Tuesday March 15th. I had just rescheduled my hair appointment for that day and was concerned about spending the day in the salon as opposed to spending my last day before I had two babies doing something fun with Everett. So my doctor pushed back the induction to Wednesday March 16th, however after "checking" my cervix at the appointment and discovering I was not very progressed she said I would have to be put on Cervadil in the hospital the night before the induction. This meant I would be admitted into the hospital Tuesday night at 7 pm. So I left the appointment in tears, not quite believing I would soon be the Mom to two precious babies and not quite sure I would know how to handle it.

Neeley and some friends from my small group threw us an amazing baby shower the next weekend and we got everything we could possibly want or need to bring Haven home. Drew and I took Everett to Chuck E Cheese for his first time as a little fun for him before becoming a big brother. My understanding of Cervadil was that it was to "ripen" your cervix and not that any real progression would be made. Our plan was for Drew to check me into the hospital on Tuesday night and stay with me while they got the cervdil applied and then go home to be there for Mom and Everett. I was a little nervous about being induced and began to read on the Internet about what to expect. I quickly found out that cervail could cause you to go into labor itself without the help of pitocin and there was a possibility of me having Haven on Tuesday night. I called a friend who was a Labor and Delivery nurse for a long time and she confirmed the information and suggested Drew stay with me in the hospital just in case. Aunt Cindy was going to be in town the week of Haven's birth due to her spring break so she agreed to stay at the house Tuesday night with Mom and Everett while Drew came with me. The following morning Mom would go to Jan Werner as usual and Susie would come stay with Everett while I was in labor, he would then go spend the night with Aunt Neeley and Uncle Lane. So with everything planned Drew and I spent our last evening home with just Everett feeding him and putting him to bed before we welcomed Haven into the world.

We checked into BSA at 7 pm on Tuesday March 15th and settled in for a long night. At 10 the nurse put cervadil on my cervix and gave me an ambien to help me sleep. I was completely anxious and nervous about delivering another baby sometime within the next 24 hours. Dr. Chastain called the hospital room to check in on me and see if I had any questions. The nurse said she had never heard of a doctor doing that before. He was an older man who was very laid back each time I met him. Always wearing a baseball cap with a sweater draped over his shoulders. Drew and I both agreed that if a man had to deliver Haven he was the one we wanted. The ambien did it's job and I slept pretty soundly that night with the exception of the nurse interrupting to take my vitals. Around  7 am the next morning I was allowed to get up and take a shower and "prep" for the day. With a quick shower and makeup refresh I was back in bed by 8 am and the pitocin was started. Pitocin is a medicine delivered through an IV to stimulate a woman's body into contractions and therefore inducing labor. Everett's labor was 19 hours from the time my water broke to the time I delivered so we were settling in for the long haul. I was told that at noon Dr. Chastain would come into break my water. I began the day with my cervix dilated to a 2. Contractions quickly kicked in and I was feeling them consistently and painfully in no time. My nurse reminded me not to be a hero and there was no need to wait for an epidural so by 11 we had the order in for one. Neeley came and joined Drew and I for the waiting game in the room. I was given my epidural sometime between 11- 12 and I immediately felt nothing anymore, it was glorious! Dr. Chastain finally came in to break my water at 1:00 pm and told me I was dilated to a 3. I urged Drew and Neeley to go get something to eat because this was going to be a while! The ambien was still very much in my system so I was ready for a nap. I remembered my OB from Everett's delivery telling me to rest as much as possible while I was laboring because there wouldn't be much sleep afterward, I didn't heed her warning and certainly got no sleep after he arrived. Drew and Neeley went to the cafeteria for a little bit and I slept.

When we arrived to check in to the hospital Drew and I passed the gift shop with a giant stuffed animal tiger in the window. He said we needed to get that for Everett. I asked if they checked the price of the tiger when they went to the cafeteria. Since they hadn't we took quick bets on what we all thought it would cost and Neeley went down to see. I had only had my water broken for about an hour and a half at this point and confident we would be waiting on Haven's arrival for the rest of the day if not into the night. I began to feel some pressure, nothing too serious just a constant pressure that hadn't been there since I got my epidural. I was to nervous to mention this feeling to Drew since he would most definitely call the nurse. Neeley quickly returned telling us the outrageous price of the tiger, poor Everett would definitely not be getting it. Within minutes the nurse came in saying Haven's heart rate had taken a dip on the monitor and she wanted to check my progress. She did and reported that I had dilated to a full 10 and she could easily feel Haven's head. She told me she was going to call the doctor but not to push at all. We were all in complete shock! I had expected to be in labor for hours and hours. Drew, Neeley and I looked around at each other in anxious excitement and amazement.

Pretty quickly the nurse returned and began to prepare the room for delivery. Neeley got the camera ready and Drew got in position on my right side. Doctor Chastain arrived and was impressed with the quick progress. I wasn't expecting the army of personnel that arrived when it was time to push Everett out so I was prepared this time and expected even more since Haven would be taken to NICU right away. However since the birth was coming so quickly not all the staff could get in there and I ended up having less people than when Everett was born.  My epidural was still so fresh that I couldn't lift my legs at all so my nurse took my left side and with Drew on my right they held my legs as I pushed Haven out. I pushed 3 times and sweet baby Haven Molly Neal was born at 3:05 pm on Wednesday March 16th. She was quickly whisked to the incubator at the bedside where the NICU team quickly assessed her. I was consumed with tears of joy at the wonder of welcoming my beautiful baby girl. Drew was in tears also and quickly became protective father overlooking the doctor and nurse's assessing Haven.

My biggest concern about knowing that Haven would be taken to the NICU immediately upon being born was that I wouldn't get to see her or hold her. No one had given us a clear answer as to what would happen and if I would be allowed to hold her or not. When the time came Neeley was telling me how beautiful Haven was and Drew was telling me how proud he was of me and that she was just awesome! The doctor was working on her quickly and half announced that she was doing good to me! No one knew exactly what her heart would do once she was breathing on her own and completely disconnected from me. They wanted to get her into NICU asap. As they were about to take Haven out of the room Drew asked the NICU doctor if I could hold my baby for a minute. He was reluctant but agreed for just a moment I could hold her. Drew has been my hero many times but for this I will forever and ever be grateful! They wrapped Haven in a blanket and placed her on my chest. She was the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen in my life. I whispered to her how beautiful she was and how much I loved her. As I spoke to Haven her eyes fluttered like she was trying to open them but before she could she was whisked away to the NICU for monitoring.

Less than 2 hours after my water had been broken Haven was born into this world at a small 6 lbs. 8 oz. 19 inches long and she was absolutely perfect in every way!

Hospice

In February after realizing that caring for Mom on my own in the mornings was more than I could handle at 6 months pregnant I began to seek help. Mom required being cleaned every morning when she woke and was not very agreeable to me cleaning and showering her each day. I had read once that Alzheimer's patients became fearful of water. Washing Mom's hair became a chore I dreaded every few days. She is physically much stronger that I could handle and would become almost immobile as I tried to undress and dress her. Sometimes pushing me to leave her alone. There has been alot that I have been able to handle on my own, suck it up Megan is what I would think but I finally gave in to the realization that this daily battle is not one of those. After talking with the nurse at Mom's neurologist office she recommended us for Home Health.

We soon had an in home meeting for evaluation of  Mom to see that we qualified. I was quickly bombarded with nurses wanting to come visit, speech therapist and physical therapist. In our initial meeting I expressed my need for an aide to come bathe Mom in the mornings. The nurse told me we would be able to get one for maybe 3 days a week... I was willing to take it! After a very quick evaluation with the physical therapist who continued to marvel to me about the fact that Mom was younger than her and she couldn't believe how impaired she was, I almost kicked her out at this point just for going on about it!, the lady told me Mom couldn't be a physical therapy patient. Fine. Not what I was looking for anyway. However we were signed up for Home Health with the hopes of a 3x a week bath aide. The Nurse who knew Drew from growing up in the same town called me on the following Monday and asked to talk with me. She came over while Everett was napping and Mom was at Jan Werner and told me she couldn't get us out of her head all weekend and left our house the following week crying in her car about our situation. After talking with supervisors she had gotten us qualified for Home Hospice and wanted to know if that was something I would be interested in. I wasn't quite as taken back as I probably should have been by the world "hospice" but only because my Sister-in-law Carrie who is a home health nurse had prepped Drew and I for the possibility of needing it. A social worker came to the house to meet the nurse and I and listed out the benefits of Mom being on hospice. If we remained on home health and mom did not show signs of improvement, as she wouldn't with this horrific disease they would have to remove services from us in other words take away the bath aide. With hospice we would receive a bath aide 5 days a week to start and as long as Mom continues to decline in health we could remain on it indefinitely. We would also receive free medication sent to the house, a doctor and nurses on call 24/7 for all Mom's needs canceling the need to go to any out of the house appointments. Since I was about to have 2 babies in my house the less I had to get out the better. After discussing all the options and scenarios I decided this was the help I needed. Within days of Mom being assisted in the mornings by her aide I could feel my stress levels decrease. She began to become happier with me during the days and I could somewhat resort back to daughter a little bit and not caretaker. Mom has really loved the two aides who have helped her, one was with us for 2 weeks before she took another job, the other Stephanie has been with us 2 and half months and has a great rapport with Mom. They listen to Kenny Chesney in the mornings as Mom gets dressed. I meet them in the kitchen when they are finished ,with Mom's breakfast waiting, where the Stephanie sits and has coffee with Mom before the bus comes to get her for Jan Werner. If the kids are being cooperative in the morning we all sit in the kitchen together talking.

When I went into the hospital with Haven's heart scare at 34 weeks we were faced with tough decisions about what would happen with Mom during the time I go into the hospital to deliver Haven. It was apparent that we needed more help than what family alone could offer. Thankfully Hospice allowed for respite care for Mom. This would allow for Mom to stay in a nursing home for 5 days and nights while I was in the hospital. It took me some time to come around to the idea of having her spend any time at all there but knew it would be the only option overall while I was in the hospital. I researched nursing homes and met with some people in the field and landed on Ware nursing home. The respite care was an absolute blessing as far as having a place where Mom was cared for while I couldn't but it was also the most depressing time for me knowing she was there. Patrick came up and spent 5 days here, spending morning until night with her at the nursing home. Mom didn't get to meet her granddaughter until she was a week old, only having visited me in the hospital briefly the same day I delivered Haven. In my happiest times in life there is still a sadness that sets in knowing my beautiful 57 year old Mom cannot life the way she should be able to.

Mom continues to be excited each morning when the bus for Jan Werner arrives. She just about leaps out of her chair and runs to the door. Everett gives Stephanie a high-five each day before she leaves and runs out to wave "bye" to Mom and the other bus riders.  Sometimes I reflect on the tragedy that is Mom having to be on hospice at this age in her life but I am extremely grateful for the help and benefits it has allowed us! Mostly though I am in awe at how Mom is still bringing light and laughter to people even in her condition. Stephanie told me recently that Mom is her favorite patient and she loves coming to our house every day. Debbie, the driver of Mom's bus, has developed a special bond and love for Mom and they light up seeing one another in the mornings. Mom always tells her that she loves her... which is more than I get sometimes! On days that I am unable to make her smile there is someone else who can.

Mom can't tell me what she has done during the days at Jan Werner. She often comes home with glitter or food drizzled on her clothing. Sometimes they fix her hair in different ways or paint her nails. She is shuffling her feet a lot more these days and they are swollen by the time she gets home. Everett has usually just woken up from his nap when the bus arrives and he loves to go outside to meet his Nana. They sit at the table together and have an afternoon snack that most times involves Mom just giving her portion to Everett. We sometimes have dance parties while waiting for Drew to get home. These moments seem so trivial and routine at times but there will come a day when I will miss these moments and want to reflect on every single silly thing we did to make up our time together. Mom looks at Haven with such adoration, remarking on how sweet or precious she is. I was fearful of her holding Haven after the incident in the hospital with Everett and Mom's dramatic digression since then. However after watching Mom just stare at Haven for a while I sat her in a big chair and propped the Bobby pillow around her and gently placed Haven in her arms thinking this would make Mom so happy. She barely realized what she was doing. I kept having to tell her to look down at the baby as she was just staring at the wall in front of her. For all the joyful moments there are twice as many sad or confused ones. I grieve daily that she is unable to love on her grandchildren the way she would have wanted to. I grieve for my kids that they will never have the Nana she could have been to them. I grieve for the advice she is unable to give me in my parenting decisions although I am sure I would find it annoying or overbearing but I want it from my Mom. I see pictures of girls with their Moms on Facebook, pictures of grandmother's playing with their grandkids and I am jealous of the people that get to have those moments. But I am grateful for our moments, as fleeting as they can be, when she laughs at a joke or really looks into my eyes or says "I love you." These moments mean the world to me and I will hang on to them forever.