I have started a dozen blog posts about how much I miss you in my head. How big the hole her on earth is without but every time I start to actually write it out the words disappear. It's because there just aren't words to describe it. I could never put into words the magnitude of your loss in my life. All I know to say is I feel it ever day, in just about every moment!
I see so much of you here though Mom! In Rory's bright blue eyes you are looking back at me, in Everett's tender spirit, in Haven's mischievous ways and silly laugh. We see you in the sunsets that you loved to marvel while on Earth and in the moon you knew the power of God's glory in. We talk about you alot and have pictures of you around the house so the kids always know they have a Nana looking over them. Everett sometimes asks to go to Heaven to see you. Every time Haven sees the moon she says look mom "Solly Moo is right there!" I still wish I could go back and convince you to choose a different grandmother name than Nana because the kids are so confused about Nana even though we have tried to coin the term Gran-Nana for their Nana still her. Mostly they call you Solly Moo because of the time Everett heard me call you that and latched on to it. I have kept it up because it is means only you and doesn't confuse them with their other Nana. I want them to have the stories of you embedded in their hearts and not be confused when the recall them later.
A few weeks ago I was resting on the couch while the kids were napping and had drifted off into my own nap. I felt a pressure on my leg that I immediately recognized as what I can only describe as a loving hold like you would do to someone to wake them up or just acknowledge them. Everett often grabs me in such a way to wake me up in the middle of the night to help him get tucked back in to bed but this was a bigger hand and my head immediately thought "Mom." I quickly opened my eyes hoping to see you sitting on the couch with me but there was no one there. I don't know if it was you but the feeling I had from it has stayed with me and I believe you were there. Watching over me as you are every day watching over all of us.
I hear Haven mention "Solly Moo" in her daily play as if she is talking to you on the phone or your just there playing with her on the trampoline with her dolls and it warms my heart because I know she could really be seeing you. She was so little that I worry so much about her not having any memories with you and am hoping that in those moments she is making her own new memories with you.
I grieve for Rory never having gotten the chance to be held by you, kissed by you, loved by you. Then I look in her eyes and see so much of you there I know she knows you in her own way. She is such a gift to us I know you helped craft her specially once you got to Heaven.
This year for your to celebrate your birthday the kids and I baked cookies. They picked out shapes special of their love and memories for you! They chose hearts, the letter M, a duck and Everett chose a dinosaur because "he loves dinosaurs and he loves Solly Moo!" We ate Outback steakhouse with Lane and Neeley's family and finished with hot fudge Sundays. We missed you but we celebrated you Mom!
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