Mom-
I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. I miss you both emotionally and physically. Yesterday we moved you to Heartis Memory Care center and it was truly the hardest thing I have faced yet. I hate seeing your empty room next to mine with all of your stuff gone. I am trying to trick my mind into thinking it is temporary. That we just moved you into a dorm room for college or away for summer camp because the truth is too hard for me to swallow. My heart feels like there has been a goodbye between us and I can not bear it. I have thought about what this Earth would be like without you. Even though so much of you is already gone I can still see you, hug you, kiss you. I can't face the thought of existing without and yet I know that is inevitable. They have recommended that we give you time to adjust to your new surroundings. A week away. It feels like a form of torture. I just want to drive up there and crawl into bed with you. I want you to know that this decision was not an easy one although I am sure if you could you would have insisted on it a long time ago. Patrick and I searched long and hard for the perfect place for you. We felt like God placed this one right in our laps. I know that God is covering you and protecting you... he commands us to release loved ones into his care but it is very hard for me to relinquish that. For the past  year we have lived together and I have managed your daily care. Sometimes it was so hard and sometimes I wanted to run away but I was always honored to be the one to care for you. Always! I have watched as you loved on Everett and eventually Haven in the best way you could. You and Everett developed the most incredible bond and I pray he will remember and cherish that the rest of his life. I am so thankful for the experience of the last year and what it has taught me. I found courage I never knew I had.  It showed me the strength and love my husband has for me and more importantly you. I am honored to give you a touch of the care you gave me as a single mom all those years. I pray you always know the love I have for you. The last few days in the house together you weren't very verbal. Walked with your head down. I cried every single day about losing you. But I would tell you constantly that I loved you and you more often than not would always say, "I love you." Hearing you say those words gave me more comfort than you know. The day we moved you, you started lifting your head again and being more verbal. I think that this was God's way of making it easier for me to release you to a new caretaker. He gave me such peace yesterday as we moved you and I only teared up a few times. It in know way made me less sad but was God's presence in our situation knowing that he can care for you and protect you way more than I can. Mom I cannot wait for the day we are united in Heaven together. I can't wait to hear what you really think of my sweet babies and the tips you would have given me in raising them. But more importantly I want you to tell me you are proud of me and approve of the decisions we made for you. That will be an amazing day. Words cannot describe my love for you. You are my hero. The most courageous woman I know, the strongest woman I know. I am beyond honored to be your daughter!

Meg

Haven's 5 Month Update

I feel like I literally just posted about Haven's 4 month update... guess that's what happens when you do a monthly update 2 weeks late. With another month having passed this sweet girl is continuing to show the most delightful personality!! Our girl is Happy Happy Happy! Haven wakes with a smile, burps with a smile, spits up with a smile, and watches the world around her with a smile. It is the sweetest little gummiest smile ever.

We have tried Haven on a few solid foods as suggested by the Doctor at her last appointments. She is not interested one bit. We have tried Bananas and Apples and she spits them all out. She is also drinking some rice cereal in her formula and does OK with it. We are STILL taking 6 ounces every 4 hours. I am really hoping to stretch out to 5 hours soon.

Haven has officially been moved to her crib and is sleeping like a champ! After her last bottle at 10 PM we put her in a sleep sack and lay her down. She has been sleeping until 7:30 in the morning. I am one happy Mama! She usually takes a nap in her crib and sleep sack in the afternoon as well for 2 - 2.5 hours. This is about the same time Everett goes down every day so Mama gets a little bit of a break.

Dad bought Haven a cute little exersaucer since we sold Everett's when he grew out of it. She is absolutely loving getting to stand up while supported and play with some toys. There is a little cake it that stacks and she loves to knock it over. Haven is really getting good at grabbing things with her hands. The favorite thing she grabs is take her paci in and out of her mouth. She also loves to hold my fingers with her little hands. If Haven is not in her exersaucer she can be found laying on the floor on a play mat or snuggled up in her parent's arms.

Haven is continuing to find her voice and is beginning to laugh a bit. It is the sweetest little laugh! She laughs the most when we swing her a bit... the fast movement makes her so happy. She has also discovered her feet. She loves to hold her feet up and try to put them in her mouth, especially when getting her diaper changed which makes it all the easier for the person changing her diaper. Haven also loves to chew on everything including hands.

Haven Molly you continue to bring absolute Joy to everyone around you! I love to hang on to you a little longer before putting you down because these days are going way to quickly. I hope that will snuggle with me forever. We love and adore you sweet sweet angel!!

Everett's 2 and half year update

Sweet Darling Everett... you are a constant bright spot! I am amazed at how quickly you have grown and figured things out in this big world around you. You are absolutely hysterical and have mastered getting your Dad and I wrapped around your little finger.

You are a truly sweet boy. You have the kindest little heart with a soft spot for your Nana. I love watching you look after her. You always make sure she is included in whatever is going on and guide her around the house by the hand. You most recently took her hand while leaving church and led her out to the car. I was following behind you as you guided her across the street and to the front seat where you pointed and in your own talk told her to get in and sit down. You make her smile every morning as you run in the kitchen where she is eating and yell "Hi" quickly followed by a kiss and hug. You often feel it is needed to come supervise as I change her into her pj's and put her to bed, you pat the bed for her to get in. Yall have a very special connection of your own and it means so much to me. You have such a heart of compassion already for those in need around you. I know God will continue to develop this gift in you and have no doubt you will do great things with it one day.

 You have a fan club everywhere we go, people continue to gawk over how cute you are and you quickly appease them with some form of entertainment. When you walk into church I can always hear people mumbling to one another about how precious you are. We recently had an acapella performance at the end of church service and you danced through it all. Very quickly the entire congregation was watching you and not the performers. You make everyone around you smile!  It makes this Mama very proud! You are a true showman and love to be the center of attention. You have learned to share a little of the spotlight with your sister though. You like to dote on her, always at the ready with a paci or "pass" as you call them. The minute she starts to cry you come get me to tend to her needs. In the mornings while I am getting Nana breakfast you sometimes disappear and I find you looking over your sister, who was asleep, and you are talking to her or gently patting her. You are one proud big brother! You like to hold her hand in the car or lie down beside her when she is on the floor.

You have gone from calling me "mama" to "mom" to "Mom Mom" to "Mommy" sometimes changing daily.  Each one of them melts my heart. You listen to me call out "Mom... Mom" to my Mom (your Nana) and have picked up on that. You have recently moved on from falling your Dad "daa" to "Daddy." I am not sure where you got Mommy and Daddy from but it is adorable! Anytime we go somewhere you say "Hi" and then proceed to point out "Mom" "Daa" and then your Nana and Sister neither of which are quite understandable yet. You are using your words a lot more now and very little cave man talk. It is so fun to teach you words and have you repeat them back to me. You do still love to "roar" at anyone willing to to listen and even those who aren't.

We converted your crib to a toddler bed and I was initially worried about how you would do with more freedom. The very first night you ran and jumped on your bed, laid down and never got out sleeping through the night. You proved that like every sleep transition you have been through you are a champ and continue to sleep through the night. We once caught you in the video monitor getting a dinosaur toy when you were supposed to be in bed. Your dad talked to you through the monitor and you jumped at lightening speed back into bed. You have continued to do amazing and just sit in the bed until we come and get you in the morning. Every time someone came over you took them to your bed and had them sit down, you clearly were very proud of your new bed. We just recently moved you into your very own "big big boy" bed, a queen. You were not too sure about this move at first and cried initially upon being put in it. I laid with you for a while and you continued to sob into my shirt. Dad finally convinced me the only way to get you to stop was if I left you alone in there... so I walked out and began to cry myself. You, however quit crying almost immediately and went off into an uninterrupted night of sleep. You have loved your new bed ever since and  love sleeping it in. We tried you out on a pallet on the floor in our room this past weekend while Uncle Patrick was in town. I was nervous about how you would react sleeping in our room, something you have NEVER done. You went and laid right down with your special blanket and Meyer and slept through the night until early in the morning when you climbed into bed with me. It was the first time you have ever slept in our bed, you are too fond of you own which is so much like your Mama. I loved getting to hold you as you slept again. But as soon as you could you moved right back to your big bed. 

You are very interested in the world around you and like to explore. The kitchen is a favorite place of yours to be especially when Mom is cooking. You like to help me mix and stir things. Everett you are finally really loving books but you don't like to sit through the whole thing being read to you. You are also enjoying cars, blocks and dinosaurs still. Most days your arms are full of your friends because you never want to leave one behind. Your favorites right now are Buzz, Woody, T-rex, and of course Meyer who you do not go anywhere without.

Everett you enjoy watching movies. Your favorites are Toy Story 1, 2 &3. The Jungle Book, Finding Nemo and Ice Age. Your Dad and I took you on a date to see Finding Dory a few weeks ago. We needed a little time with our firstborn and you needed some one on one time with your parents. It was your first time to see a movie in the theatre and we were not to sure about how you would do. You sat between us in a booster seat and loved the experience! You dug both hands into the bucket of popcorn and oohhed and aahhed at the previews. When the movie came on you sat quietly in fascination and watched the big screen before you. Towards then end of the movie you got tired and moved every few minutes from Dad's lap to the chair but never made much noise. We were so proud of you and had such a fun day with you! After wards we took you to get your first fitted Texas Ranger's hat so that you could match your Dad.

Everett you love to play at the park. We have one a few blocks from the house that we walk to. You quickly graduated yourself from the little kids slide to the big slide and haven't looked back! You love to go down it over and over again. Your Dad taught you how to climb back up the slide and now that is a new favorite thing to do.  You also love to swing and go as high as you can. You are big helper and love to help Mom with the laundry by putting clothes into the dryer for me. Recently  you discovered the joys of sweeping and push the broom around the house when I am finished with it. 

You love to eat snacks but not much of a real meal. Your Dad is concerned you will be a vegetarian which shatters his dreams of smoking out meat with you when you are older. I am assuring him it is just the toddler phase you are going through. Your favorite foods to eat are apple sauce, oatmeal, mandarin oranges and string cheese. You will not touch any food with a sauce on it such as spaghetti or lasagna. You have completely surprised us and eaten broccoli florets and carrot sticks. I am sure this is some freak stage you are going through and won't eat them in a month.

Everett you love to watch out the window for your Dad to come home. As soon as you see his car you run the door leading in from the garage and excitedly wait, sometimes you cant contain your excitement and totally spazz. However the moment you Dad comes in you yell "Daaa" and take of running. You discovered it is funner to have him chase you down for a kiss hello than just stand there and give it to him. You love to wrestle with him and climb on his back. After Nana goes to bed and Haven is down for a nap the three of us play together. You love it when your Dad acts like a gorilla, which is he surprisingly good at, and he chases you as you run to me and we hide under the blanket together until enough time has passed for you go to poke the gorilla again. These sweet moments of your pure joy playing with your parents make us so happy!

You are pretty keen on your Mama. We are the best of buds and It secretly makes me happy at times when you want no one but me. I was recently under the weather, laying in bed and you would come lay next to me and pat me on the arm or head. I can't get enough of your kisses. You have the sweetest puffiest little lips. I love the way your little hand fits in mine. We recently took a road trip to visit your Aunt Carrie 45 min away and every 5 sec. you were saying "Mommy" and then whatever you wanted me to do or look at. Your Dad was sitting right beside me but you continued to call out to me. It was both annoying and precious at the same time!!

Everett words cannot describe how much we adore you! You are the absolute sunshine in our day and we are blessed beyond measure to be your parents!! I am excited to watch as you continued to grow and learn and watch as your personality continues to develop and shine!!

Excerpts from our experience with Mom's Alzheimer's Progression

Yesterday I came home and you asked "who are you?" My heart broke into pieces. I told you I was your daughter, Megan and you said " ohh yea that's right." Today when you came home from daycare you were tearful and a little out of it like you have been lately. Your words were a little slurred. I asked if you knew who I was and you looked me right in the eyes and said " yes, your my moga" It wasn't my name exactly but I knew what you meant and my heart leaped for absolute joy! The rest of the evening was touch and go... You never got flat out angry like you have been. I changed you for bed and after you walked in circles for a bit finally got you to come lay down next to me in bed. We sat for a minute together and then I left to check on the kids. You got up shortly and came out of your room, so I went back and got you settled in bed again and started to leave. You began to cry and called out to me, so we laid for a while together in bed holding hands.  You gently rubbed my hand with your thumb. I could remember laying in bed with you like this countless times before but this meant so much to me because I don't know how many more times we have to do this. I asked if you were "OK?"  you instantly settled down and said "yes, are you?!" Your voice was clear and concerned for me. We were mother and daughter again not mother and caretaker daughter. It broke my heart and made me joyful all at the same time!

The last few nights have been extremely difficult for you and us. Sundowners Syndrome is plaguing you like never ever before. When the clock strikes 5:00 you start to become extremely agitated. Walking quickly from the den to the kitchen making a circle and repeating over and over again. Anything that crosses your path does so at its own risk, furniture and toys are subject to be grabbed and carried on the constant moving journey with you or kicked across the room. When Everett crosses your path you will usually slow and tell him to come to you, he is on his own journey of constant motion and when he doesn't join yours it increases your agitation.  As the evening progresses your agitation grows to outright anger. Not allowing yourself to be calmed by anything, especially me. This chaos continues for sometime and after wearing yourself down some you allow me to feed you dinner or help you to bed. Once in bed you become emotional and look at me with longing lost eyes. I can really see you in these moments and we both mourn the wretchedness that is this disease taking over your body. Your face looks more hollow and saliva drips down the sides of your mouth because swallowing is becoming an issue for you and your mouth hangs slightly open. I kiss your forehead and weep, not quietly. Tonight you looked up at me, took your arms from under the covers and wrapped them around me as you told me "it will all be ok." That's all I needed to completely dissolve into a mess of puddling tears. Somehow when I am at my lowest lost moments you come out from the shadow and tell me what I need. This morning it was " I love you " tonight it was " it will be ok."

We are facing a change. One I never wanted to face but knew somewhere in the back deepest part of my mind we may have to. I have tucked it away... thinking we will be the case of Alzheimer's where it doesn't get to bad. Where you don't have to have professional care full time. Where I can be enough. You have continued to grow more and more agitated when you get home from Jan Werner in the evenings. Everything seems to bother you. You are picking fights with Everett, grabbing at his toys, telling him not to do things. When he tells you No or tries to grab his toys back a tug of war ensues increasing frustration on both sides. You have begun to grab at his arm or shirt. Sometimes you tell him to Shut up. It breaks my heart into a million pieces. You and him have been the very sweetest of playmates. He loves to follow you around when you walk aimlessly around the house. He is still the one that makes you smile in the morning when he walks in and says "HI" to you. All memories of the night before are forgotten between you both. But I remember and I am realizing that our chaotic home full of noisy kiddos and left out toys are maybe not the best environment for you. You need to be somewhere calmer and quieter. It kills me to think about the other options available to you. This is the hardest decision I have ever had to face. I wish so badly you could tell me what to do.