(First picture as a family of 4)
When I found out Haven would have to be kept in NICU for a period after birth I was concerned about what it would be like. I knew we would not have the same experience as Everett, being in our room or having access to him 24/7 but I was not prepared for the reality of the NICU. After delivery I was told that as soon as I was able to walk, I could go and see Haven. As soon as I heard this I flopped a leg out of the bed and Drew told the nurse I was ready. Due to my epidural though I couldn't really move my legs and because my delivery went so fast the medicine was still very strong in my body. It was going to be a little bit before I could make it to see her so Drew went down in the meantime to check on our girl.
When my legs finally cooperated, 2 hours later, Drew wheeled me down to NICU to see Haven for the first time. NICU is a totally different world than what I had experienced with
Everett in the regular nursery. We were only allowed to bring in two
visitors a day aside from Drew and myself. Haven was on a 3 hour feeding
schedule so were allowed in to visit beginning 15 minutes before she
was to eat at 6, 9, 12, 3, etc. We were only allowed to hold Haven while
she was eating but the nurses would let us linger and cradle her for a
bit longer at times. Visitors were not allowed to "stimulate" her at
all. She was in bay 12 and in that area she was snuggled into an
incubator with a rocking chair in front of her. Upon entering NICU we had to scrub our hands and arms up to our elbows and put on a hospital gown. Haven's bay was on the other side of the U shaped unit so we had to go all the way down one hall and up the other before getting to her. Each time we walked through the unit we passed countless children whose conditions were life threatening, long term and way worse than our sweet baby. It was a humbling experience to see these sick babies being cared for in NICU and know that we were the lucky ones.
The first time I saw Haven in NICU I immediately began to cry. She looked so tiny and so alone in her open air incubator. She was strapped in a little cover to help her feel snug while still being exposed for all the cords and monitors she was hooked to. She had a breathing tube in her nose and was still covered in all her after birth as they didn't want to give her a bath yet. I was so nervous at first, I wasn't sure if I could touch her so I began to talk to Haven. I told her how excited I was to see her and how much I loved her! The nurse came in and helped me with the cords so that I could hold her. I wanted to breastfeed her so they allowed me to do that for 10 minutes but wanted to monitor what she was eating so we gave her a bottle of formula after wards. As soon as she was fed and burped the nurse put Haven back in her incubator. We had to leave and come back at her next feeding. The hardest thing to do was having to leave my newborn baby behind with strangers. I went back to my room showered and anxiously awaited for the next 2 hours and 45 minutes to pass until I could see my baby again. We continued this routine twice more that night, me nursing Haven for 10 minutes and Drew giving her a bottle. Each time they told us she would be bathed the next time we came but each time we arrived she hadn't been. I was so frustrated and wanted to give her a bath myself. When we came back for the 6 am feeding I was shocked and horrified to find that Haven had a feeding tube put in. The nurse said that she had spit up her formula and they had to make sure she was eating. I tried to explain that Everett had horrible reflux and Haven would probably have it also, This didn't seem to matter to them. We were told the Haven had to be under observation for 48 hours after delivery to make sure her heart didn't revert to an erratic beating once she was out of the womb. Now we were told that she would also have to be keeping down 3 oz. of formula continuously in addition to the heart rate remaining normal. I was so deflated and felt like I couldn't even be the Mom I needed and wanted to be to my daughter at this time. It felt like someone was constantly looking over our shoulders while we were with Haven and the short time it took to feed her went way to quickly before we had to leave her again.
We were eagerly awaiting the passing of the 48 hour mark to take our baby home. On the second day we had a visit from the NICU doctor who wanted to apologize for his rushing Haven out of the room right after delivery and not initially wanting to let me hold her. He then informed us that the 48 hour mark would be from 12 hours after delivery when the medicine I had been on for her heart would be out of her system and therefore that was when the monitoring would officially begin. It felt like another blow to us. That meant another day in the hospital only getting to see Haven every 3 hours. However during our visits they began to let us change her diaper, take her temperature and dress her. This was so thrilling for us because it meant more time and interaction with our precious girl. I so desperately just wanted to able to hold her for an infinite period of time, if this was the best I could get at this moment I was taking it! Drew and I took turns with the tasks each craving any bit of attention we could give her. Towards the end of her second day in NICU we finally got to give her a bath... this meant actually carrying and walking with Haven. It was wonderful! As the nurse was unhooking Haven from all of the monitors, that sweet little girl's arms flailed around and she pulled out her feeding tube on her own. This was the first time we heard Haven really cry and boy did she scream! It was horrible to witness. We went ahead and took her to take a bath. She really enjoyed it and I was thrilled to finally get the goop off of her. She looked so beautiful as she was cleaned and put in clothes. The nurse made a bow out of the hospital hat so she looked like the sweet girl she actually was.
Although we had a few visitors to the hospital such as my Mom, Nana, Charlotte, and Doss the only ones that got to actually see Haven were Aunt Tammy, Kelsey and Neeley. Finally Patrick came up to visit and we got him in to see Haven as well as Aunt Cindy who visited before she left town. I was so anxious to show off our beautiful daughter so each time we got someone into the NICU it felt like sneaking someone into a private club! We had nurses we liked and nurses we didn't but were grateful for the care each of them was giving Haven in our absence. With the 48 hour mark being moved back and Haven's heart continuing to beat regularly we were banking on being able to take her home Saturday morning. We were told she would have another echo-cardiogram done but if all was normal she would be released. Per the rules of the NICU all parents must take CPR classes and watch a video before being allowed to leave with their child. The nurse's set us up to do this Friday afternoon in anticipation of our leaving the next morning. Time in the hospital became increasingly isolating and with Everett staying with Lane and Neeley, Haven in NICU and my doctor ready to release me I was feeling depressed and ready to get back to some sort of normalcy. Drew had brought Everett up the day before to see me and he was not thrilled about seeing his Mom in such settings. He was not allowed in NICU so he had yet to meet his sister. It was so difficult to not be able to care for either of my kids like I wanted. I had initially decided to "bunk in" on Friday night after being discharged to remain close to Haven since we were planning on her being discharged the next morning. Drew took Everett home to put down in his own bed while Patrick was staying the night and Drew would return in the morning to get him ready to come meet his sister when she was discharged. I felt like I was just hanging out in the hospital room and not feeling like a patient any longer, So I decided I wanted to go home and we would return in the morning for Haven. We told the nurse's our new plan at 9:36 pm, we were told we were free to go but the main doors closed at 10 so we may want to hurry. Drew packed up the room and loaded our gifts like a bandit and we ran out of the hospital. My favorite nurse Nancy was caring for Haven that night and I called to tell her we had left and I wouldn't be there to feed her until 6 am. She assured me she would take great care of Haven for me and looked forward to seeing us in the morning. It was such a relief to be in our own house and know that at least one of my babies was under the same roof as me and the other was being taken such great care of.
(First time getting to hold and feed Haven)
I woke up like a child on Christmas morning the next day, Saturday, so excited to get to bring my baby home! I called up to talk to Nancy about how Haven had done during the night. She said she did great and everything was acting normal and advised me to wait until Haven's 9 am feeding to return. They shut down the unit from 7-8 for rounds. Patrick took me to the hospital at 8:30 while Drew stayed behind to get Everett dressed and fed. I changed Haven, fed her and was told we would have to wait for the echo cardiogram before she could be released. The technician came in around 10:30 and administered the test to my tiny baby. I overheard the NICU doctor talking about how crappy the test was administered and that it was totally void. I was scared to death they would have to do another one or make us wait another day before bringing Haven home. He came in to visit with me and told me that although the test was "insignificant" he knew Haven's heart was fine and would be fine with letting her go due to that HOWEVER her billy test came back high and they would need to administer a blood test to determine a more accurate score. I was annoyed but OK with the set back, knowing in the back of my mind we would surely still be released. The nurse took blood from Haven's foot and told me it would be a little over an hour before they had the results. I went to the waiting room where Drew and Everett were waiting with the car seat and specially packed diaper bag for taking home our daughter. We waited a little together outside and then Drew went in to be with Haven. When he came back out I took another turn going in to see her. As I was walking in the doctor was standing there and I asked if they had heard anything. He just shook his head in a no movement and told me her blood test score wasn't low enough. The billy score has to be below an 11 and Haven's was a 14. I went to her room and broke down in sobs. Haven would have to remain in the NICU for another 24 hours under a heat lamp. This was an ultimate punch to the gut for us! I was offered the option to room in across the hall from the NICU with Haven being in an crib under a heat lamp, "you can take her out to feed her and change her diaper and that is all" they told me. Absolute torture is what I heard! Put me in a room with my baby and not be able to hold her or comfort her physically sounded devastatingly hard. I went out to tell Drew the news, and he too was devastated and angered! He went in to talk to the nurse himself but came back out with the same outcome. Sitting in the waiting area with Everett I felt myself sinking into a dark hole desperately needing to be the Mom I knew I was to my kids. I initially decided to stay with Haven but once they told me more about it I felt like the best option for me was to be home with Everett while Haven was under the professional care of the nurses. Sensing my meltdown on the phone Aunt Tammy and Kelsey had raced up to the hospital and were there to take me home since I had sent Drew and Everett home already.
Saturday was hard but I knew I made the right choice and Everett needed his Mom with him and Haven needed her Mom to be in a good mental state for her arrival home. We proceeded to go up to the hospital for each feeding, taking turns during the day and together that night. When we walked in at 9 pm, my favorite nurse Nancy was on duty and came up to give me big hug and told me she knew how hard that was on us. I appreciated so much her kind words and compassion because as I looked around at the sick babies in NICU I knew overall it wasn't a big set back but for us it felt huge! I cried in her arms. We cared for Haven the best we could as she lay in only her diaper under a heat lamp and left again with the hopes of returning in the morning to bring her home. Sunday morning I woke up with so much anxiety, not sure if we would get the outcome we wanted or not. The nurses told me that Haven had a knack for taking off her "sun shades" that protected her eyes from the lamp and they had to be replaced 4 times. When I called up to find out if they had taken the blood test, the head nurse told me that her billy result was a 9!! We could bring our baby girl home!!! I cried with relief and we immediately began getting everything together to go get Haven.
At the baby shower Haven had been given the most beautiful dress to wear home from her Gran-Nana. I couldn't wait to put her in it with a bow on her sweet little head. Drew and Everett waited in the waiting room while I went in to feed Haven and wait for discharge instructions. The doctor came in and told me we were good to go and that they were so honored to care for our daughter through the first days of her life. I really developed such a special place in my heart for NICU nurses and their extra devotion to such sick tiny patients. I got Haven dressed and all the nurses' gushed over how precious she looked in her adorable dress. I had envisioned a sweet and profound meeting for Everett and Haven the first time they met. We had gotten him a "gift" from Haven the first time we were in the hospital not knowing if she would come early or not, he later found it hidden in the closet. A nurse had to escort Haven out of the building and insure that we had a car seat to take her home in. So when I walked out of NICU with Haven the nurse had to carry her and we felt rushed not getting to give Everett and Haven the special meeting I wanted. Everett peeked over the car seat to her as we told him this was his new sister. He was curious about what this new baby was but no time to explore because we quickly headed to the car and on our way.
Haven had an Awesome Homecoming! My Nana, Aunt Tammy, Kelsey, Lane, Neeley, & Norah were all at the house with a welcome home banner to greet our sweet girl! Only Aunt Tammy and Neeley had gotten to hold her at that point so we spent the next hour with everyone getting a chance to love on Haven! It was such an amazing day finally getting to be home with our two precious babies! Our world had definitely changed and it couldn't have been better!
