2 Month Old Girl

Haven's two months has come and gone. It is true what they say, time does go by much faster with the second baby! I can only imagine the third going at warp speed. Our precious baby girl is just that... Precious!! She is an absolute doll. I still find my self looking down at her shocked that I have two kids but even more so that I have a daughter. I find myself reflecting so much more on my relationship with my own Mom and hoping for a similar one with Haven in the future.

Haven is continuing to grow. She now weighs 9 lbs. 14.5 oz and is 22.5 inches long. We are officially out of newborn clothes and into 3 months outfits. It was a bittersweet day when we made the transition. I was excited about all the new options available for dressing my real life doll baby but sad that we were once again saying goodbye to the petite newborn outfits that we first dressed our new daughter in.

Haven is still exclusively breastfeeding every 4 hours. She does not miss a meal often or let that 4 hour mark go by except for at night. Amazingly she has been consistently sleeping until 5-6 am after new night time nursing at 11.  The past few nights she has woken up at the 3:00 hour and I realized just how spoiled I had gotten to her sleeping through the nights already!

Haven is an incredibly alert baby. She is holding her head up on her own for long periods of time and trying to "stand" up. She is pushing her feet off of everything trying to get leverage to move herself. She loves to be sitting up looking around at things happening. What is Usually in her eyesight is her silly brother playing ferociously with his toys. She does not like for me to get too far out of her sight though and will instantly let me know with cries if I am. Haven likes to constantly be moving which has been a challenge at times for me to get things done around the house. She continues to hate her car seat, screaming crying whenever it is not moving like when we are at a stop light. I find myself driving around with one arm reaching behind me trying to help her hold her paci in her mouth for some relief. It sometimes doesn't work and she continues to cry until she is picked up and held. Haven also continues to suffer from tummy issues with gas trouble and constipation leaving her feeling uncomfortable at times.

Haven is very much a snuggler liking to be held tight and close to whomever. She loves to be pressed against my chest and would like for me to never put her down. She is gracing us with the most beautiful smiles lately. Haven loves to be talked to close to her face and at these times her little mouth creeps into the sweetest smile, often accompanied by her tongue sticking out. She thinks her Dad is absolutely the best and will light up when she sees him! Drew has gotten Haven hooked on Chris Stapleton's Tennessee Whiskey song and it always calms her down, even if just for a minute. Everett is continually getting used to his sister. He is her biggest protector. At her first cries he will run and find me and drag me by the hand back to her. However if the cries go on for too long and he can't get away, like in the car, he will cover his ears. If that doesn't work he has been resorting to screaming too. I think we will stay out of the car for awhile, for my sanity at least! If Everett sees one of Haven's paci's he will bring it to me and vehemently talk at me until I give it to her. He likes to come sit in the room while I am dressing or changing her and will always grab the nearest blanket, bib, or toy that he thinks will make her happy. He is a proud and precious big brother to you Haven. I can't wait to watch yall's relationship grow!

I cannot believe it has been 2 months already with our girl. How in the world did we ever live without you?! We are all completely smitten with you. You keep us on our toes and remind us daily you are a different child than your brother. We wouldn't want it any other way!

Haven's Birth story Part 1

At my 34 week check up with Haven my obgyn discovered some irregularities with her heartbeat. She was tachycardia with her heart beating way above what they consider to be normal. After a hospital stay, that I previously blogged about, Haven and I were sent home with her heart rate in normal rhythm and we were to be closely monitored. This involved sonograms on Monday afternoon's and obgyn appointments on Wednesdays for the following two weeks. At my second Monday sonogram with the pediatric cardiologist he told me that he wanted me to be induced at 37 weeks. The doctors were confident that at 37 weeks Haven would be developed enough that it would be safe to deliver her and I would be able to get off the heart medication before it effected my body in any way. I had just gotten used to the idea of carrying Haven to term, after our scare in the hospital, that I was a little shocked we would be welcoming our girl into this world 3 weeks early.

After being released from the hospital I had quickly completed Haven's nursery but we hadn't had our baby shower yet so there were still things we were needing. Thankfully the date we picked for our shower landed on the Saturday before my 37th week. At my next obgyn appointment my Dr told me that she would be out of town on spring break with her kids for my induction but that the doctor who saw me in the hospital, Dr. Chastain, would be happy to perform my delivery. I was upset for a brief moment at the thought of a man delivering my baby after searching for female obgyn's for each of my pregnancies. I came to terms with the fact that nothing had quite gone the way it was supposed to lately with Haven's pregnancy and what was most important was to get her here healthy! They set the induction for Tuesday March 15th. I had just rescheduled my hair appointment for that day and was concerned about spending the day in the salon as opposed to spending my last day before I had two babies doing something fun with Everett. So my doctor pushed back the induction to Wednesday March 16th, however after "checking" my cervix at the appointment and discovering I was not very progressed she said I would have to be put on Cervadil in the hospital the night before the induction. This meant I would be admitted into the hospital Tuesday night at 7 pm. So I left the appointment in tears, not quite believing I would soon be the Mom to two precious babies and not quite sure I would know how to handle it.

Neeley and some friends from my small group threw us an amazing baby shower the next weekend and we got everything we could possibly want or need to bring Haven home. Drew and I took Everett to Chuck E Cheese for his first time as a little fun for him before becoming a big brother. My understanding of Cervadil was that it was to "ripen" your cervix and not that any real progression would be made. Our plan was for Drew to check me into the hospital on Tuesday night and stay with me while they got the cervdil applied and then go home to be there for Mom and Everett. I was a little nervous about being induced and began to read on the Internet about what to expect. I quickly found out that cervail could cause you to go into labor itself without the help of pitocin and there was a possibility of me having Haven on Tuesday night. I called a friend who was a Labor and Delivery nurse for a long time and she confirmed the information and suggested Drew stay with me in the hospital just in case. Aunt Cindy was going to be in town the week of Haven's birth due to her spring break so she agreed to stay at the house Tuesday night with Mom and Everett while Drew came with me. The following morning Mom would go to Jan Werner as usual and Susie would come stay with Everett while I was in labor, he would then go spend the night with Aunt Neeley and Uncle Lane. So with everything planned Drew and I spent our last evening home with just Everett feeding him and putting him to bed before we welcomed Haven into the world.

We checked into BSA at 7 pm on Tuesday March 15th and settled in for a long night. At 10 the nurse put cervadil on my cervix and gave me an ambien to help me sleep. I was completely anxious and nervous about delivering another baby sometime within the next 24 hours. Dr. Chastain called the hospital room to check in on me and see if I had any questions. The nurse said she had never heard of a doctor doing that before. He was an older man who was very laid back each time I met him. Always wearing a baseball cap with a sweater draped over his shoulders. Drew and I both agreed that if a man had to deliver Haven he was the one we wanted. The ambien did it's job and I slept pretty soundly that night with the exception of the nurse interrupting to take my vitals. Around  7 am the next morning I was allowed to get up and take a shower and "prep" for the day. With a quick shower and makeup refresh I was back in bed by 8 am and the pitocin was started. Pitocin is a medicine delivered through an IV to stimulate a woman's body into contractions and therefore inducing labor. Everett's labor was 19 hours from the time my water broke to the time I delivered so we were settling in for the long haul. I was told that at noon Dr. Chastain would come into break my water. I began the day with my cervix dilated to a 2. Contractions quickly kicked in and I was feeling them consistently and painfully in no time. My nurse reminded me not to be a hero and there was no need to wait for an epidural so by 11 we had the order in for one. Neeley came and joined Drew and I for the waiting game in the room. I was given my epidural sometime between 11- 12 and I immediately felt nothing anymore, it was glorious! Dr. Chastain finally came in to break my water at 1:00 pm and told me I was dilated to a 3. I urged Drew and Neeley to go get something to eat because this was going to be a while! The ambien was still very much in my system so I was ready for a nap. I remembered my OB from Everett's delivery telling me to rest as much as possible while I was laboring because there wouldn't be much sleep afterward, I didn't heed her warning and certainly got no sleep after he arrived. Drew and Neeley went to the cafeteria for a little bit and I slept.

When we arrived to check in to the hospital Drew and I passed the gift shop with a giant stuffed animal tiger in the window. He said we needed to get that for Everett. I asked if they checked the price of the tiger when they went to the cafeteria. Since they hadn't we took quick bets on what we all thought it would cost and Neeley went down to see. I had only had my water broken for about an hour and a half at this point and confident we would be waiting on Haven's arrival for the rest of the day if not into the night. I began to feel some pressure, nothing too serious just a constant pressure that hadn't been there since I got my epidural. I was to nervous to mention this feeling to Drew since he would most definitely call the nurse. Neeley quickly returned telling us the outrageous price of the tiger, poor Everett would definitely not be getting it. Within minutes the nurse came in saying Haven's heart rate had taken a dip on the monitor and she wanted to check my progress. She did and reported that I had dilated to a full 10 and she could easily feel Haven's head. She told me she was going to call the doctor but not to push at all. We were all in complete shock! I had expected to be in labor for hours and hours. Drew, Neeley and I looked around at each other in anxious excitement and amazement.

Pretty quickly the nurse returned and began to prepare the room for delivery. Neeley got the camera ready and Drew got in position on my right side. Doctor Chastain arrived and was impressed with the quick progress. I wasn't expecting the army of personnel that arrived when it was time to push Everett out so I was prepared this time and expected even more since Haven would be taken to NICU right away. However since the birth was coming so quickly not all the staff could get in there and I ended up having less people than when Everett was born.  My epidural was still so fresh that I couldn't lift my legs at all so my nurse took my left side and with Drew on my right they held my legs as I pushed Haven out. I pushed 3 times and sweet baby Haven Molly Neal was born at 3:05 pm on Wednesday March 16th. She was quickly whisked to the incubator at the bedside where the NICU team quickly assessed her. I was consumed with tears of joy at the wonder of welcoming my beautiful baby girl. Drew was in tears also and quickly became protective father overlooking the doctor and nurse's assessing Haven.

My biggest concern about knowing that Haven would be taken to the NICU immediately upon being born was that I wouldn't get to see her or hold her. No one had given us a clear answer as to what would happen and if I would be allowed to hold her or not. When the time came Neeley was telling me how beautiful Haven was and Drew was telling me how proud he was of me and that she was just awesome! The doctor was working on her quickly and half announced that she was doing good to me! No one knew exactly what her heart would do once she was breathing on her own and completely disconnected from me. They wanted to get her into NICU asap. As they were about to take Haven out of the room Drew asked the NICU doctor if I could hold my baby for a minute. He was reluctant but agreed for just a moment I could hold her. Drew has been my hero many times but for this I will forever and ever be grateful! They wrapped Haven in a blanket and placed her on my chest. She was the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen in my life. I whispered to her how beautiful she was and how much I loved her. As I spoke to Haven her eyes fluttered like she was trying to open them but before she could she was whisked away to the NICU for monitoring.

Less than 2 hours after my water had been broken Haven was born into this world at a small 6 lbs. 8 oz. 19 inches long and she was absolutely perfect in every way!

Hospice

In February after realizing that caring for Mom on my own in the mornings was more than I could handle at 6 months pregnant I began to seek help. Mom required being cleaned every morning when she woke and was not very agreeable to me cleaning and showering her each day. I had read once that Alzheimer's patients became fearful of water. Washing Mom's hair became a chore I dreaded every few days. She is physically much stronger that I could handle and would become almost immobile as I tried to undress and dress her. Sometimes pushing me to leave her alone. There has been alot that I have been able to handle on my own, suck it up Megan is what I would think but I finally gave in to the realization that this daily battle is not one of those. After talking with the nurse at Mom's neurologist office she recommended us for Home Health.

We soon had an in home meeting for evaluation of  Mom to see that we qualified. I was quickly bombarded with nurses wanting to come visit, speech therapist and physical therapist. In our initial meeting I expressed my need for an aide to come bathe Mom in the mornings. The nurse told me we would be able to get one for maybe 3 days a week... I was willing to take it! After a very quick evaluation with the physical therapist who continued to marvel to me about the fact that Mom was younger than her and she couldn't believe how impaired she was, I almost kicked her out at this point just for going on about it!, the lady told me Mom couldn't be a physical therapy patient. Fine. Not what I was looking for anyway. However we were signed up for Home Health with the hopes of a 3x a week bath aide. The Nurse who knew Drew from growing up in the same town called me on the following Monday and asked to talk with me. She came over while Everett was napping and Mom was at Jan Werner and told me she couldn't get us out of her head all weekend and left our house the following week crying in her car about our situation. After talking with supervisors she had gotten us qualified for Home Hospice and wanted to know if that was something I would be interested in. I wasn't quite as taken back as I probably should have been by the world "hospice" but only because my Sister-in-law Carrie who is a home health nurse had prepped Drew and I for the possibility of needing it. A social worker came to the house to meet the nurse and I and listed out the benefits of Mom being on hospice. If we remained on home health and mom did not show signs of improvement, as she wouldn't with this horrific disease they would have to remove services from us in other words take away the bath aide. With hospice we would receive a bath aide 5 days a week to start and as long as Mom continues to decline in health we could remain on it indefinitely. We would also receive free medication sent to the house, a doctor and nurses on call 24/7 for all Mom's needs canceling the need to go to any out of the house appointments. Since I was about to have 2 babies in my house the less I had to get out the better. After discussing all the options and scenarios I decided this was the help I needed. Within days of Mom being assisted in the mornings by her aide I could feel my stress levels decrease. She began to become happier with me during the days and I could somewhat resort back to daughter a little bit and not caretaker. Mom has really loved the two aides who have helped her, one was with us for 2 weeks before she took another job, the other Stephanie has been with us 2 and half months and has a great rapport with Mom. They listen to Kenny Chesney in the mornings as Mom gets dressed. I meet them in the kitchen when they are finished ,with Mom's breakfast waiting, where the Stephanie sits and has coffee with Mom before the bus comes to get her for Jan Werner. If the kids are being cooperative in the morning we all sit in the kitchen together talking.

When I went into the hospital with Haven's heart scare at 34 weeks we were faced with tough decisions about what would happen with Mom during the time I go into the hospital to deliver Haven. It was apparent that we needed more help than what family alone could offer. Thankfully Hospice allowed for respite care for Mom. This would allow for Mom to stay in a nursing home for 5 days and nights while I was in the hospital. It took me some time to come around to the idea of having her spend any time at all there but knew it would be the only option overall while I was in the hospital. I researched nursing homes and met with some people in the field and landed on Ware nursing home. The respite care was an absolute blessing as far as having a place where Mom was cared for while I couldn't but it was also the most depressing time for me knowing she was there. Patrick came up and spent 5 days here, spending morning until night with her at the nursing home. Mom didn't get to meet her granddaughter until she was a week old, only having visited me in the hospital briefly the same day I delivered Haven. In my happiest times in life there is still a sadness that sets in knowing my beautiful 57 year old Mom cannot life the way she should be able to.

Mom continues to be excited each morning when the bus for Jan Werner arrives. She just about leaps out of her chair and runs to the door. Everett gives Stephanie a high-five each day before she leaves and runs out to wave "bye" to Mom and the other bus riders.  Sometimes I reflect on the tragedy that is Mom having to be on hospice at this age in her life but I am extremely grateful for the help and benefits it has allowed us! Mostly though I am in awe at how Mom is still bringing light and laughter to people even in her condition. Stephanie told me recently that Mom is her favorite patient and she loves coming to our house every day. Debbie, the driver of Mom's bus, has developed a special bond and love for Mom and they light up seeing one another in the mornings. Mom always tells her that she loves her... which is more than I get sometimes! On days that I am unable to make her smile there is someone else who can.

Mom can't tell me what she has done during the days at Jan Werner. She often comes home with glitter or food drizzled on her clothing. Sometimes they fix her hair in different ways or paint her nails. She is shuffling her feet a lot more these days and they are swollen by the time she gets home. Everett has usually just woken up from his nap when the bus arrives and he loves to go outside to meet his Nana. They sit at the table together and have an afternoon snack that most times involves Mom just giving her portion to Everett. We sometimes have dance parties while waiting for Drew to get home. These moments seem so trivial and routine at times but there will come a day when I will miss these moments and want to reflect on every single silly thing we did to make up our time together. Mom looks at Haven with such adoration, remarking on how sweet or precious she is. I was fearful of her holding Haven after the incident in the hospital with Everett and Mom's dramatic digression since then. However after watching Mom just stare at Haven for a while I sat her in a big chair and propped the Bobby pillow around her and gently placed Haven in her arms thinking this would make Mom so happy. She barely realized what she was doing. I kept having to tell her to look down at the baby as she was just staring at the wall in front of her. For all the joyful moments there are twice as many sad or confused ones. I grieve daily that she is unable to love on her grandchildren the way she would have wanted to. I grieve for my kids that they will never have the Nana she could have been to them. I grieve for the advice she is unable to give me in my parenting decisions although I am sure I would find it annoying or overbearing but I want it from my Mom. I see pictures of girls with their Moms on Facebook, pictures of grandmother's playing with their grandkids and I am jealous of the people that get to have those moments. But I am grateful for our moments, as fleeting as they can be, when she laughs at a joke or really looks into my eyes or says "I love you." These moments mean the world to me and I will hang on to them forever.

As I look down the road into our future with a new baby at home I have been reflecting on what life is like in our home on a daily basis. It is important for me to keep this blog as a reminder to myself and my children about what our lives were like as they grew up. I try to be honest and truthful not flowering up our lives. I struggle with how much to mention regarding Mom's digression with Alzheimer's. I think it is important to continue to tell her side of the story, partly because no one is speaking out for the Early-Onset generation and how different it is than the elderly people facing this disease and partly for me. If I don't document this part of her story I will one day forget, not that I want to remember her this way but one day when there is a cure for this awful disease I can remember what my Mom went through and share with our children/grandchildren how far we have come in fighting this disease.

Mom continues to go to Jan Werner Adult Daycare 3x a week. Her attitude has been mostly upbeat about her time there with the exception of a few weeks when her medication was off. She has brought home numerous pieces of art that we display proudly around the house. As she gets off the bus with a craft every few days I well up with tears at the thought of her spending her time making these items. They look like crafts a preschooler or early elementary student would bring home but she beams with pride with each one. On the days Mom is home all day with Everett and I it feels as though I truly have two toddlers in my midst. The days can be long and daunting. Mornings are started by getting Mom dressed and showered first thing followed by breakfast and hot tea as I get Everett up and to breakfast. If we are going somewhere that morning I try to get dressed while they are both occupied watching cartoons and eating breakfast. If we have to be out the door by a specific time on these days I am exhausted just getting everyone dressed, fed, and rounded up by the time we even head out the door. Mom usually naps when Everett does. She likes to lay down on the couch instead of going to her room. If she wakes up in her room alone she tends to get angry and agitated. The same thing happens in the morning if she wakes up before I do. These agitation periods can set off the rest of our day into a downward spiral if I can't get her mood lifted back quickly.

Mom enjoys spending her days watching and playing with Everett. They keep one another occupied if I am doing something  but they can also get into quite a mess together. We have had to restrict Mom's drinking out side of the kitchen because she lets Everett get her drink and he then spills it onto the floor. We hadn't "baby-proofed" our kitchen yet since moving because Everett was getting better about learning what not to get into. The pantry however is one of Mom and Everett's favorite hotspots to get into. They raid crackers and cookies together leaving boxes and bags opened after they try to hide their snacking. Drew and I often say that Mom sounds like a mouse in the pantry when she is sifting through food trying to find something, taking a little here and there and leaving crumbs everywhere. Some days it's funny to find them in there, other days its tiring. Needless to say the cabinets are now proofed.

Being a toddler Everett has lots of toys with multiple parts to them he likes to scatter about and play with throughout the day, blocks, puzzles, toys scatter the den floor. Mom cannot stand this mess and drives herself nuts picking up after him constantly. It's helpful to have her do the lifting since I am getting more and more uncomfortable in my pregnancy but if she has picked up to many times in a day she begins to get frustrated and become agitated. No matter how much I insist on her leaving the toys out she continues to clean up.

As I continue to watch Everett grow and learn new things around him like getting himself dressed or undressed my heart breaks with the digression Mom is undergoing. She can not dress or undress her self and becomes a block of clay when I try to help her. As we begin to think about potty training Everett, Mom is going on a potty schedule of her own needing complete assistance in the restroom. As Everett continues to learn to use utensils with his meals, Mom struggles to understand the difference between a fork, spoon, and knife. Eating in public can be daunting as people stare not realizing the grown woman using her hands to eat her food has dementia.

The things that continue to bring Mom Joy are her family, specifically her sons and Mom, watching Ellen on tv, listening to Kenny Chesney and sneaking up on us in the house. She creeps up on me in rooms and dies laughing when I about fall over, this trick she has learned from Drew who likes to scare her to get a rise out of her. He continues to be the one to make her laugh most and bring out her joyful personality. I watch in amazement as he naturally interacts with her as though nothing is wrong. He is selfless in his sacrifice of his family and time in helping with mom as I know many some much less son-in-laws would not be. As I took time to run to the grocery store alone a few nights ago, a luxury these days!, Drew was left at home with mom and Everett. I came home to find he had helped put mom in the shower and clean her after an accident with her bowels then dress her again in fresh clothes. This exhausting task is one I endure every morning but he didn't skip a beat in jumping up to care for her in my absence. I tell you I married a hero and my very own prince!

I constantly remind Mom that I am pregnant and we are expecting a little girl despite my growing belly. Some days she laughs and says "Oh no" as though she is taking in how it will change all of our lives. Other days she says "Really? Oh that will be so sweet!" as though she is hearing it for the first time and loving the idea of being a grandmother again.

Some days are harder than other's. On hard days I feel guilty for losing my temper, losing my patience, or being less energized. I think about how she felt raising 3 kids on her own, running a home, paying for bills and activities all on her own. I think about how many days she felt tired and worn down thinking things could only get better and never gave up. Every day though I just miss her. I miss my Mom. I want for nothing more than to call her, talk to her, hug her for real.

Drew and I continue to believe that we are undoubtedly following God's plan in having moved in with Mom. We have all been blessed from our time together under one roof and although the future can look bleak and daunting I know God is holding our hands and protecting us all as we walk forward. He never gives us more than we can handle.... I believe that and I trust in that!

A Mother

Mother's Day has always been such a special holiday to me as it was a moment of much needed recognition for the woman who gave it selflessly sacrificed it all for her children. I loved trying to find a fitting gift paired with a heartfelt card to make my Mom feel the most special on this particular day. Now as a Mom myself I am reflecting on this Mothers Day. Remembering the special moments I spent with my Mom. The memories that will outlast her lifetime and that I will cherish in my heart foever. I am thinking about the stories I want to tell my kids about their Nana and what an incredible Mom she was to me! She doesn't know what the significance of it being "Mother's Day" means but that won't keep me from celebrating her and making her feel extra special! My sweet Everett and Haven have made me a Mom  and although they have and will teach me more about myself and life than anyone can. I learned what it means to be a Mom from mine. I learned true sacrifice and unconditional love from her. I hope to continue her legacy by raising my kids in a way that would make her proud! I wish so badly she could love on them and play with them like she would really want to. In the moments she gets on the floor and "roars" with Everett or laughs at his laughter or stares at Haven and says "she's so pretty" or "so precious" I get a tiny glimpse of the Nana she deserves to be and it is moments I will carry in my heart forever! 

So Happy Mother's Day 2016 to my hero! I am proud to be yours and blessed 

by all the moments we have together! 

Everett and Haven... Words cannot describe my love and adoration for you two! You are undoubtedly the absolute best gifts that I have ever been given. I am so proud to be your Mom!! Each day with you is filled with wonder and challenges and there is nothing I would change about a single one! I love you both to the moon and back!