Denial works for me.

There are times when I fool myself into thinking that this is as bad as it's going to get. That she will always remember who I am, that she will always recognize the faces around her. The thing about her dementia is although the loss of ability may seem like a quick descent - when you are in it, living with it daily you don't notice the rapid decline as much. You take each day for what it is and the changes seem small.

But there are times when it slaps you across the face. When I look back and go "Oh My Gosh! She could do this a year ago/month ago and now she can't!" This happened yesterday as I was working over at Mom and Nana's house. Mom was rocking Everett in the chair next to me and I was weeding through my work email. I came across an email from Mom's work email from 2010...

Good morning!  I hope you have a great day. Just remember how much I love you and miss you!   Make today count!   Love, Mom

This was 8 months before the diagnosis of her dementia. I was living in Amarillo, she was married to Gary and I never felt further emotionally from her. This email as simple as it is tugs at my heart and takes me back to my Mom. My real mom who is not victim to this disease but before it when her light was still there and she could express things.

I look back and realize that almost 4 years ago to the day she was working, she was typing, she was driving and functioning on her own. Now she can't do any of that.

There are moments when life won't let you life in denial.

I was really taken back by the recent article in People Magazine about Glen Campbell's family's decision to put him in a full time facility because they "can't keep  him safe" any longer. http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20808648,00.html

I had never thought about getting to that point. What the bad times will really be like.

For now denial looks better to me.