When I was younger and thinking about my life, growing up, getting married, having children I always expected my Mom to be right there in the midst of it all being overprotective, some what overbearing, full of advice and intrusive of my space but overall being my biggest cheerleader and supporter. That is what a Mom is supposed to do right?! Unfortunately with her disease Mom doesn't realize these are the rolls she was to play. I accepted it when she wasn't able to really help plan my wedding and I was left to sort through the details and decisions without her but I was not quite prepared for how she has reacted to the arrival of Everett.
I was thrilled to learn I was pregnant specifically because I knew how much having a baby here would mean to my Mom. She hungers to be around children. In restaurants, stores or any public space she will find a child and begin to tell it how adorable or sweet that child is. Sometimes I cringe thinking that the parent will turn around to look at her as if she is trying to steal their child not realizing this grown woman has the spirit of a child herself and means no harm. My Mom longs to be more involved with my brothers daughter Peyton and I was hoping that having Everett here would help fill some of that void. In the weeks leading up to Everett's birth she would each morning ask me if he had arrived or tell me how excited she was. I meanwhile had imagined her right in the birth room with me waiting out the long haul for his arrival. I soon came to realize that having her in the actual delivery room was probably not for the best but did think she would be wanting to wait in the waiting room on pins and needles every second until he arrived. To my surprise when the time finally came after a short time in the waiting in the hospital Mom went home with Nana to rest. Although she really didn't know how to help or the right things to say I missed her presence. She didn't return until after Everett was born and at that moment she was in complete awe. I remember looking at her as she entered the room... me holding E and she stood back in the wings crying. She remarked on how beautiful he was but it took a reminder from Aunt Tammy to acknowledge me, her daughter and the accomplishment I had just been through. I had hoped she would walk in and immediately tell me how proud she was of me. Not so much. I know in her heart she feels that way and loves me extremely but I miss the natural mom inclination to act on those feelings and tell your child. She fell instantly in love with Everett but it was obvious there was a disconnect at first. Not quite realizing this was her grandchild, her first grandson.
Mom's mind is in a continual downfall but with her natural love towards children I didn't expect any major lapses when it came to her being with Everett. I had no doubts with her holding him, carrying him, being with him on her own for a very short period of time. The day after Everett was born Nana had brought Mom up the hospital to be with us as she went to an appointment. Drew had to run to work real quick so I was left with Mom sweetly rocking and singing to Everett. The day before had been exhausting for me so I dozed on the bed. After some period of time not realizing I had fallen asleep someone knocked on the door. I rose from the bed to go to it and immediately heard Everett's first wails. I am writing this not to humilate my Mom or embarass her but as a truth of Alzheimer's disease and it's effects on it's victims. Mom had also dozed off and forgotten she was holding Everett when the knock on the door came. My guess is she jumped up at the knock and in so doing dropped Everett on the hard tile floor because when I found him that is where he was lie crying. My world stopped.
Not only had the most precious gift of mine in the entire world that I had worked for 9 months to protect and nourish not to mention the hours of labor just been dropped on the floor but he was dropped by the one person I needed to be there for me, to show me how to raise and care for a child. After scooping up Everett and trying to comfort him, my hands shaking and feeling completely nauseated I wanted to protect Mom from what had just happened. I knew if she had any realization she would be inconsolable. I think she did know though, she acted funny after trying overly hard to help, I think it was her way of trying to fix what she had done. At the door was Lynn Camp, the man who had joined Drew and I in marriage, and the man who most closely resembles Grandy on this Earth and his wife Barbara.
As weird as it may seem I have come to realize this incident was a blessing from God. Drew came in shortly after and I discreetly told him what had happened. He was amazing. Quietly leaving to get a nurse to have Everett checked and never once acting upset toward Mom. That is more than I could have said I would have done had the tables been switched. I learned that God was reminding me that my Mom is not herself, that her disease has put limitations on her abilities and that no matter her intentions she can't do all that I wish she could or even that she wishes she could. Lynn said a blessing over Everett before they left, this I know too was from God and Grandy.
Was a bit of a mess, explosive green poop all over his white blanket, screaming crying seconds before and after but this is what we got.
Mom is getting more and more comfortable with Everett. I have taken them both out with me for many errands and she sits in the back seat oohhing and awwing over her precious grandson. I don't believe one minute has gone by yet that they have been together that Mom hasn't told him how much she loves him, or how special, precious, amazing he is. Everett your Nana loves you so incredibly much. She has even been telling me how proud of me she is, what an amazing mom I am. It is these moments I see glimpses of the Mom I need and know she is there... just in her own way. For now we continue to adapt and live life the best we can with this awful disease's presence sneaking in to make it's presence known. However we won't surrender so our time is spent wrapping up Everett with the love he deserves.
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