Dear Dementia

I hate you!! I hate the insecurities you have developed inside a strong and capable woman! I hate the self loathing you bring. I hate your robbery of precious moments to come and the anger that can overtake some moments now. I hate the independence you steal! I hate your selfish behavior...you have settled yourself in the brain of a woman who has so much life left to live and wonderful things left to do! I hate you dementia! I hate you!

But even through the hate and the anger I know you will not bring us down and I know of someone bigger and more compassionate that will defeat you!

A Birthday celebration in Heaven

I wonder how birthdays are celebrated in heaven. I'm sure between the angelic singing of happy birthday and a pat on the back from Jesus our birthdays on earth look trivial.

Today is my Dad's birthday. I wish so badly I could celebrate with him. Catch him up on all the things happening in my life. I wish I could have just one hour to talk with him and wish him the happy birthday he deserves.

I would have so much to apologize for so much to ask him. So much to say, but I would settle for the chance to say Happy Birthday!

It's been one year since I have seen you, almost one year since we have spoken. It feels so short and so long at the same time.

I want to tell you that Drew asked me to marry him, that I said yes ( knowing you had already given your blessing in your own way). I want to ask you if you would forgive me for the horrible letter I sent you years ago in my youth and ask if you would walk me down the aisle. But instead I will settle for Happy Birthday knowing you can see what my heart yearns for and knowing you already know all this. Knowing you send your blessing on my marriage, you forgive me, and that you will be with me as I walk down the aisle.

So today I say Happy Birthday to a wonderful man and Father! I know you are wrapped in the arms of your parents, siblings, friends and my sweet Grandy! What a party that must be!

03-30-13

 

A few weekends ago Mom, Drew and I ventured down to Santa Fe to check out some wedding venues. I kept telling Drew about "meetings" I had scheduled and he couldn't figure out the need for a meeting. However once we got there I think he got a little bit more grateful for my preparedness as we wondered through the streets of Santa Fe and vast majority of quaint little nooks many of which would suite a beautiful wedding. By the end of the day amid the distress of choosing a wedding location which makes attending a little trickier for guests I felt more confused than ever. However in my heart I felt there was never a "decision" to make it was simply a matter of me, for once in my life, voicing what I really wanted. And what I have really wanted from the beginning was a getaway weekend for those willing to come the extra mile to celebrate the love Drew and I have found and our commitment to each other. With the support of most behind me I made the choice and am happy to announce Drew and I will be wed on March 30, 2013 at La Posada de Santa Fe in Santa Fe, New Mexico. To all those who think my location picking is far out or reach you should just know my first choice was actually Costa Rica. I have started down the path of planning and it is not an easy one. I was extremely attracted to Santa Fe because we have a wedding coordinator and aside from arranging details such as flowers, music, attire and photography the majority of our wedding will be "handled" for us. I want this next 5 months of planning and preparing to be fun and simple. I want my Mom to feel included and a part of every decision as little or small as it may be. With her disease, we have struggles sometimes but she is very happy and excited for this journey.

Our trip to Santa Fe was a great weekend getaway for the three of us. A time to break away from the ususal routine and spend some quality time together. I loved every moment of watching the man I love protect my Mom and I as we navigated through the many tourists. As he engaged Mom in laughter during moments that could easily swing to anger. I loved watching her as she proudly told anyone who would listen that this was her daughter and she was marrying this great man soon. As she motherly gave advice and asked questions during our meetings of things I hadn't considered.